In the Gray

by B.B. Reid

Despite Joren being hellbent on blaming me for everything, the cracks in their friendship had started long before I entered their lives. They’d been standing on shaky ground ever since Rowdy fucked Jada. It had taken me a couple of days to figure that out too. That the girl Unrequited had been jealous of was Jada. And that boy Rowdy had betrayed had been Joren. His best friend.

“You left me,” he accused hoarsely. I whimpered. “You left me first.” Maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally? Rowdy had been the first to walk away. And it had hurt far worse than me packing my shit and walking. As if my words had sparked some detail he’d forgotten, he tensed a moment before he slammed his fist on top of the Honda’s roof, making me jump just before he tore away from me.

“Why? Why are you sorry? Why is it suddenly so wrong to kiss me now when you’ve been doing it for months?” I screamed back at him. Rather than answer, he shook his head, then ceased pacing to lean against the wall with his eyes closed instead. “You know what, Owen? Fine. Fuck you. I’m not going to beg you.”

Pinned underneath Rowdy’s palm was another goddamn photo. This one was a grainy polaroid of a baby that looked an awful lot like…me. It…was me—unless I had a twin I didn’t know about. My parents had enough baby photos of me hanging around the house that it was impossible for me to mistake the newborn in the photo for anyone else. It occurred to me then that the earliest photo my parents had of me was when I was maybe three or four months. I couldn’t have been more than a few weeks old here.

“Why do you have this, Owen? How did you even get it?” “Jada.” My blood went cold. “Why does Jada have a photo of me as a baby?” “You know why, Atlas. I saw it on your face the moment you figured it out. At least half of it, anyway.”

“What does that have to do with us, Owen? Why can’t you kiss me and be with me? Why can’t it be like before?”

“Because…” He finally looked up. At the same time that he finally let me see the truth in his eyes, I connected the dots, remembering what I’d discovered in that tackle box. “Because you also fucked Jada twenty years ago,” I finished for him. My voice was barely a whisper, so I was surprised he’d heard. “Yes.” “And you think you—I’m…um…”

Jada couldn’t be sure that I was the daughter she’d given away any more than I could be sure the baby in the photo she’d carried around for twenty years was me—or that Rowdy was the man who’d sired me. Conjecture. For now, that was all it was. I sniffed and forced myself to pull away from him—to look into his green eyes and pretend I didn’t see his determination to keep me close, even if it meant damning himself. “So we just what…live in the gray until then?” The gray. The sliver of space between right and wrong, knowing and not knowing, salvation and damnation—between hope for a future and the calamity of us.

shrugged and went back to cleaning the bowl. “It’s only a big deal if you make it one. There’s no part of you I haven’t already seen, touched, and tasted.” I paused and inhaled, my stomach turning at the reminder of how badly I’d fucked up.

“We can’t take it back, Atlas. No matter how much we might want to. It’s done. We can only move forward and hope for the best.” She was quiet for so long that I didn’t think she’d respond—until she did. “I don’t,” she whispered, making me turn to face her and question if I might have misheard her. “I don’t want to take it back.” She looked up at me, and I could see what it cost her to admit the truth. “Not a moment of it.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. “Good. Neither do I.”

was fucked up in many ways, but wanting to fuck my own daughter was not one of them. I had to believe that if Atlas and I were truly bonded by blood, something in me would have sensed it, known it, and would have kept me from ever being attracted to her in the first place. Even now.

could hear my mother now. “It’s dangerous…how carelessly you young people have sex. You make babies you’re not ready for. You spread diseases without regard. And I know you, son. I’ve known men like you. You use these women, and you barely know their names, much less where and who they come from. Could be fucking your own kin and not even know it. Take care, Owen Rashaad. Or one day, you’ll find yourself in a situation you can’t get out of.”

How the hell had this turned on me? Rowdy might have fucked Jada before my time, but it was still a hard pill to swallow. He still lied about it by trying to cover it up. He still betrayed his best friend. I knew firsthand how much that hurt.

You seemed to be doing that all on your own. Joren told me about how you purposely tracked them down. What’s still unclear is why. Was it money? Did your little scheme fail, and now you’re after mine? I mean, damn, little girl. I couldn’t get rid of you fast enough when you were born, but you can’t seem to take the hint. I gave you up, which means I don’t owe you shit. Do us all a favor and go back to where I left you.”

He looked at me then and swept me closer with his arm around my waist. I was immediately surrounded by his scent and didn’t know just how much I’d missed it until my knees nearly gave out. “I will.” And then he bent his head and kissed me for the first time since I learned we couldn’t be. “Owen,” I whined breathlessly against his lips. “We can’t.” “I don’t care.” He pulled me closer, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. “We’re in the gray, remember?” I remembered.

We were halfway to the car when the front door burst open and Joren stormed out. Golden and Roc were hot on his heels. “Atlas,” he called out. “Atlas, wait!” A whimper escaped Atlas as she burrowed deeper against my chest. I was forced to set her on her feet when I looked over my shoulder and saw Joren gaining on us. “Aye, back the fuck up,” I barked at my boy. I pushed Atlas behind me where she clung to my back. Joren stopped and held his hands up. “I just want to talk to her.” “That’s not happening.”

“Well, now you do. If you want a second chance, it will be on her terms, when she’s ready. Now go handle your marriage. I’m taking my girl home.”

“Let that shit go, baby. There’s no one else here but me. I got you. Where am I standing?” The reminder that I had her back broke the dam free. The tears she’d held back at Joren and Jada’s now rushed down her supple cheeks. “I never should have come here.” She sobbed. My chest felt like it had caved in. “Yes, you should have. Do you know why?” She shook her head. “Because you weren’t meant to find them, Dream. You were meant to find me.” Atlas’s tortured gaze met mine in the mirror. “What if we were fated, Owen, but not meant to be?”

“A-A-Atlas…Atlas, please! It was never my intention to hurt you! I just wanted—” “I understand, Professor. I used to think grief made you do things, but love…” She looked back at Rowdy, and he stared back at her, his green eyes softening as they watched each other. “Love will have you follow it into the depths of hell if that’s what it takes.” She tossed the can aside and lit a match while my mouth parted in horror. Our gazes met briefly over the flame, and then she said, “See you in hell, Professor.” Atlas tossed the match, and all I knew was pain.