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He didn’t feel anything for me, that much was for sure. If there was someone he did feel something for, I bet it was her. But I had too much to do to dwell on that. I ignored the familiar ache in my chest and tried to keep calm until I was in my car. And that was when I let the tears come.
It was so crowded that even Sebastian had to grab my hand to prevent me from being inadvertently ushered away from him.
I shook my head. I knew I shouldn’t really care about the house we’d pick, but I did. If I was doing this, then I wanted one thing I could enjoy. I didn’t get to pick out the house Sebastian and I lived in now. He already owned it when I met him. This time, I wanted to have a say beyond the same three canned designs.
“This isn’t LA. These houses are misplaced and horrendous. They look like wooden shoeboxes with stapled siding that would blow us out of this dimension if we were in a storm. I don’t like them.” Sebastian only blinked at me. Shit. I wasn’t supposed to have opinions. I wasn’t supposed to make metaphors and use descriptors.
“That’s the look I like to see,” Jordan said, glancing at the deep interest on my face. Sebastian followed her gaze, and I tried to squash my amazement that something in this town could be so beautiful.
“She’s near tears!” Jordan said, laughing. Sebastian looked at me again, his face entirely unreadable. He stared at me for a moment, and then turned to Jordan. “This is the one,” he said.
“You really like this house,” he murmured. “It’s good for photos,” I muttered, even though that was definitely not why I liked it. “Right,” he said. “I’m sure it will look great on Instagram.”
I wanted this house because it was beautiful, not because of what it could do for me.
“Are you staying because you think you can somehow win Sebastian over?” “N-no. I don’t think that.” At least I shouldn’t think that way.
Jessie shook her head. “We’ve been friends most of our lives, but I can’t do this anymore.” Her resigned words forced me out of my own thoughts. “What?” “I can’t watch you get steamrolled by your family anymore. I’ve given you outs. I’ve offered help. But you’re not changing or growing or doing anything other than what they’re telling you to do. You’re their lapdog.” I stared. She was done with me?
I knew from her point of view, she was right. But in the background, I had been rebelling in my own way. Maybe I should tell her about The Fair Originals. She was my best friend. She should know. But Sebastian was nearby, and if he found out, then Martin would too.
Jessie sighed and shook her head again. “Good luck out there. If you ever decide you’re done with all of this, then you know where to find me.”
“What was that about?” Sebastian asked. I looked at him, not expecting him to ask. “Nothing,” I muttered. “Let’s just get on this plane.” My voice was the opposite of what it should have been, dark and deep
“Lily, wait. Why do you sound upset?” “I’m not,” I lied. “What did Jessie say to you? That didn’t seem like a goodbye. It sounded like she’s trying to convince you out of this move.” “It’s nothing,” I repeated.
“This is a great opportunity,” I managed to choke out. I tried to shove my pain into its usual box, but it was beginning to overflow. Sebastian stared at me, and I wondered if he expected me to tell him truth. But how could I? No one wanted my truth.
“Take the master bedroom,” Sebastian said. “I don’t need it. I want the room upstairs with the nook.” He turned. “What? You had the master bedroom in the last house.” “Not this time,” I said, walking up the stairs without another word.
Tears pricked my eyes. Jessie was done with me, and I didn’t know how to deal with that. Moving already had me on my last string of sanity. Jessie leaving snapped it.
“What? Don’t you have work to do?” “The office isn’t open yet.” “Okay, then I can locate a table so you can work on your laptop.” “The house doesn’t have internet yet.” “Then what do you want me to do?” I asked, frustrated. He sighed. “Let’s go furniture shopping.” “Together?”
“Because you haven’t wanted to do anything with me other than occasionally sleeping together.” Sebastian stared at me, and I realized I had said that thought out loud rather than keeping it to myself. That wasn’t supposed to happen. I cleared my throat. “I mean, you prioritize work.”
But thinking of Jessie made me close my eyes for a moment. God, it hurt that she was done with me. I couldn’t even blame her, because I was a little done with myself too.
“I’m fine,” I said. He looked over at me, lips downturned,
He looked at me again with that almost confused expression. I glanced away, realizing I was slipping from surface-level Lily to writer Lily. He’d probably heard twenty new words from me today alone.
“Then I’m getting this one.” It looked both industrial and rustic. It would be perfect for a home in Nashville, but not what I would have figured was perfect for him. But I didn’t exactly know him all that well, did I? He lived a whole life without me.
“Most of the time it’s the guy and his friends doing it all. You’re one strong woman. Be sure to keep her, man,” he said to Sebastian. I tried to keep the grimace off of my face as I waved. The shop owner went back inside, and I turned. “Oh yes, keep me because I can lift furniture and not because of my personality,” I muttered, rolling my eyes again. Sebastian was staring at me as if he had never met me in his life.
It would have been lovely if I could have found the energy to not be myself.
“You can just stay in a hotel, Lily,” Sebastian said as I put it in the cart. “I’m not staying in a hotel when we have a house,” I replied. “That’s a waste of money.” “I’ll pay for it.” “What—is it that bad to sleep next to me?” I said.
“I am uncomfortable plenty of the time, Sebastian,” I said it lowly, almost like a growl. “I’m married to a man who barely acknowledges me. I moved across the country because I was forced to. I can sleep on an air mattress for one night. If it’s too much for you, then go get a hotel for yourself.”
I froze. I had to stop letting my facade slip. I needed to be perfect again. And yet I couldn’t be. “I’m fine,” I said, dropping my anger. “I-I’m sorry. I’ll get it together. I’m just stressed from this move.”
“Lily,” he said, grabbing my arm. “What did Jessie say to you? You’ve been off ever since then.” “I’m off because I’m in a new town with no one, Sebastian. Just give me a day.” “Give you a day to what? Completely change your personality?” “Yes,” I said. “That way, you won’t ever have to see this side of me again.”
“Because you always decorate this time of year. I thought you liked it.” “For photos, right?” “You don’t have to take photos of anything. I’m offering to do something you like because it’s obvious you’re struggling. Is that so bad, Lily?”
“Okay,” I said, “let’s go look for a bit.” He gestured for me to lead the way. My cheeks were on fire. “Thank you,” I said quietly. I darted away before he could take it back or make me blush worse by continuing to be unusually nice.
“Those would go good with the house,” Sebastian said softly. I looked at him, a little alarmed. I didn’t expect him to participate. “I don’t have to have anything. We have other things to do.” “But this is what you like. It’s okay to take a moment to do something for yourself.”
“It may be better to steer toward achromatic decorations.” “Achromatic?” Shit. I’d done it again. “It means without color.” “Where did you learn a word like that?” “A dictionary. Does it matter?”
“You’re acting so different.” “Maybe only talking about Instagram shots and what I’m wearing grows tiring.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’ll get it in check.” “Why should you get it in check?” “Because this isn’t what I was contracted to do.”
because I did not want to break down in front of him. There was something about the man I’d attached every negative emotion to being kind to me that made me want to sob.
“Do you,” I paused to swallow the ball of cotton that was lodged in my throat, “do you need me to pay you back for the decorations?” “Why would I ask you to do that?” “Because you said we were only here for the air mattress.” He sighed. “I offered, Lily. It would be a dick move for me to offer and then make you foot the bill.”
I knew logically that material possessions didn’t actually create happiness, but perhaps a husband doing something nice for his wife did.
“I’m talking about the whole move. Nashville. The new office. I didn’t want this.” “I thought you’d be happy. You get to run a whole office.” “Maybe I should be,” he said quietly.
“Of course I’m angry about moving here,” I said. “It’s the last thing I wanted to do.” “I’m sorry, then.” His voice was soft and resigned. “I’d have fought it if I knew you didn’t want it.”
“You can go back to visit LA if you want to. I know Jessie is there.” “No,” I said, pain gripping my chest into a vice at the mention of her. “There isn’t much left for me there.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “It’s dumb.” “But it’s something. What is it?” “Just lay down,” I said. “Lay down next to me and . . . hold my hand, maybe.”
But then Sebastian laid down without a complaint, pulling my hand to his, and interlacing his fingers with mine. “I’m sorry I’m upset over your promotion,” I said. “Don’t be,” he replied. “I am too.”
I didn’t know why this felt so good, but his warm body next to mine steadied me. I felt real and not like a ghost in my own body.
but as I drifted off into sleep, I couldn’t find it in me to regret asking him to hold my hand.
I checked to see if there was a coffee shop within walking distance I could go, and luckily, there was one about a mile away. I left the house, not bothering to tell Sebastian where I was going because if he was working, he wouldn’t be back until late anyway.
“Hello?” I answered, feeling frustrated that I hadn’t even gotten one word written. “Where are you?” Sebastian asked, his voice tense. I internally cursed.
“I was going to be back soon, so you wouldn’t have been without a car long. Heather drove my car in. She left with mine a few days before we moved.” I rolled my eyes, glad I was on the phone. Of course he’d have Heather fucking drive down here, and she’d be glad to do it.
“You can’t exactly blame me for leaving. There’s no food and you didn’t tell me when you would be home.” Sebastian was silent for a moment. “Come back soon.
If Heather was at the house, I would be happy to stay at the coffee shop. I’d rather walk straight into my own execution than walk in on them doing anything.
Sebastian had made me mad, so I couldn’t care less in what state he saw me. But when I walked in and saw Heather in the living room folding the new blankets Sebastian and I had bought, rage clouded my mind.
