Naked

by David Sedaris

‘Believe me, if I was going to steal a baby, I would have taken one that didn’t bust my ass every time I left my coat lying on the sofa. I don’t know how it happened, but you’re mine. If that’s a big disappointment for you, just imagine what I must feel.’

‘I’m asking you a question. Would you or would you not want me licking the light switches in your house?’

Someone might be your blood relative, but it didn’t mean you had to love her.

It is ironic that nudists are just about the last people you’d ever want to see naked.