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Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
By criticising, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
Let’s realise that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return;
‘with malice toward none, with charity for all,’
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Don’t criticise, condemn or complain.
The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. What do you want?
Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is ‘the desire to be important.’
desire for a feeling of importance
This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children.
‘I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,’ said Schwab, ‘the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.’
the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants.
‘How can I make this person want to do it?’
‘If there is any one secret of success,’ said Henry Ford, ‘it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.’
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself. That’s what we all want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend.
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Always make the other person feel important.
Little phrases such as ‘I’m sorry to trouble you,’ ‘Would you be so kind as to –?’ ‘Won’t you please?’ ‘Would you mind?’ ‘Thank you’ – little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life – and incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument – and that is to avoid it.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Dramatise your ideas.
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’
