You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life

by Eleanor Roosevelt

Maturity means, too, an ability to take criticism and evaluate it. When it is not of value, when it is not constructive, but destructive, one can forget it. But when it is constructive one must accept it and try to profit, even though hurt by it. Perhaps you were hurt because a certain person pointed out a fault and you did not want that person to think you had a fault. But, if you a...

If you consider that you are being criticized by someone who is seeking knowledge and has an open mind, then you naturally feel you must try to meet that criticism, that you must try to make an explanation, which may or may not satisfy the critic. But if you feel that the criticism is made out of sheer malice and that no amount of explanation will change a point of view which has nothing to do with the facts, then the best thing is to put it out of your mind entirely, as though it did not touch you or your loved ones in any way.

Maturity also means that you have set your values, that you know what you really want out of life. What are the things that give you great satisfaction?

To be mature you have to realize what you value most. It is extraordinary to discover that comparatively few people reach this level of maturity. They seem never to have paused to consider what has value for them. They spend great effort and sometimes make great sacrifices for values that, fundamentally, meet no real needs of their own.

When you know you have no justification for self-pity and you want to pity yourself it is much worse than if you have a real grievance.

One reason for this ability to cope with disaster is that nothing ever happens to us except what happens in our minds.

A companionship with your child must be built. It does not just happen. A man requires considerable thought and effort to develop the right kind of companionship with sons, and a different kind with daughters.

Daughters will be grateful and remember all their lives the things which their fathers introduced them to: gentleness and thoughtfulness and appreciation of themselves as women. These are qualities which, someday, they will look for in their maturity.

think everyone, from the earliest possible age, should be taught not to be sorry for himself; not, whatever the provocation, whatever the temptation, to carry his depression or his disappointments or his black moods to someone else.

The need to be needed is much stronger in most of us than we are aware. We hear a great deal about the need for self-expression but, by and large, it rarely brings the same returns in basic satisfaction that come with going beyond the self to meet another person’s need.

We discover this soon in dealing with children. A spoiled child will tease and be unreasonable in his attempt to get something he wants. He will also, as a rule, be unhappy. But a child who has been treated with real respect, who has a feeling that his elders expect certain standards even from a young member of the family, will behave with astonishing maturity.

To be useful is, in a way, to justify one’s own existence. The difficult thing, perhaps, is to learn how to be useful, to recognize needs and to attempt to meet them.

Most people encounter this need first in the family group where, if the family is really a closely knit unit, they learn to carry their share of the responsibility for the family. They meet it next in the most difficult relationship of all, marriage, where each must learn for himself to understand his partner, to know what his needs are, and to meet them with unselfishness and flexibility.

WE ARE facing a great danger today—the loss of our individuality. It is besieged on all sides by pressures to conform: to a standardized way of living, to recognized—or required—codes of behavior, to rubber-stamp thinking. But the worst threat comes from within, from a man’s or woman’s apathy, his willingness to surrender to pressure, to “do it the easy way,” to give up the one thing that is himself, his value and his meaning as a person—his individuality.

It’s your life—but only if you make it so. The standards by which you live must be your own standards, your own values, your own convictions in regard to what is right and wrong, what is true and false, what is important and what is trivial. When you adopt the standards and the values of someone else or a community or a pressure group, you surrender your own integrity. You become, to the extent of your surrender, less of a human being.

It horrifies me to realize how many people feel that it is incumbent on them to have something because their neighbors have it.

Children cannot just be told. They must see the values you preach put in practice if they are to become real.

One effective way of helping children to combat the pressures of conformity is to teach them to think for themselves. They should be trained to take part in home conversation, to form their own opinions, and then they should be encouraged to express these opinions. The trouble here, too often, is that the child must form many of his opinions from so little experience that he has insufficient data. But he should not have his opinion brushed aside with, “Oh, when you’re older you’ll make better sense,” or “You don’t know what you are talking about.”

Of course, there is one problem involved in encouraging the young to express their opinions freely at home: that is, they can get into trouble outside the home if they take for granted that they will be listened to in the same way. They must learn to take into consideration the people they are with. This is what I mean by social conformity; not the surrender of one’s beliefs but an awareness of when one is justified in forcing them and when it is not allowable if you have good manners. It should be a part of every young person’s development to learn to be aware of other people, to study them, not to antagonize them if it can be avoided. It is all right to argue to your heart’s content at home, where divergences of opinion are acceptable; but there are other homes and other groups where older people are not willing to have a child express his opinions, and the child must learn to feel his way. This awareness of other people’s desires and feelings is an important part of learning to live with other people and in a society.

I think it is essential that you should teach your child that he has an intellectual and a spiritual obligation to decide for himself what he thinks and not to allow himself to accept what comes from others without putting it through his own reasoning process.

Many people try to put everybody into a pattern; they think the same way and do the same things. But watch your child and you will learn that often what seems a mistake to you may be right for him.

This is your life, not someone else’s. It is your own feeling of what is important, not what people will say. Sooner or later, you are bound to discover that you cannot please all of the people around you all of the time. Some of them will attribute to you motives you never dreamed of. Some of them will misinterpret your words and actions, making them completely alien to you. So you had better learn fairly early that you must not expect to have everyone understand what you say and what you do.

I never can understand why so many people are afraid to live their own lives as they themselves think is right. You can get rid of your neighbors but you cannot get rid of yourself, so you are the person to be satisfied.

Remember always that you have not only the right to be an individual; you have an obligation to be one. You cannot make any useful contribution in life unless you do this.

The trouble is that not enough people have come together with the firm determination to live the things which they say they believe. Spinoza once made a profound comment: “Men believe a thing when they behave as though it were true.” Perhaps you have to make the compromise, but I wonder if you do not pay too high a price for it, if it does not have a detrimental effect on character. You have to learn to live with yourself. Are you going to feel you have weakened yourself as a person because you didn’t stand for something you thought was fundamentally right?

The constant pressure to bring about conformity is a dangerous thing. People are so bombarded with certain sayings, told so often what they should believe, that sometimes they don’t know what to believe. But they must find out where they stand, make up their own minds what they really think.

“What my children do about their lives,” he answered, “is their own concern. It has nothing to do with whether or not my policies are accepted by the people. I do not expect the people will hold me responsible for what my children do. I must stand on my own feet and answer for my own judgment and what I do myself.”

There are always a few people, sometimes unfortunately in important positions, who feel that they can deal with others only by imposing their will, by giving orders, by taking a dictatorial—master to serf—attitude. Sometimes, of course, it works. The orders are obeyed. But they are often obeyed at the price of resentment and the loss of self-respect. Obedience may have its uses, but it is no substitute for willing, uncoerced co-operation.

You can, as I have learned by long experience, with intelligence and many trial efforts, learn to work in and with a group, learn to understand people who are completely different from anyone you have ever encountered before. But it takes patience, being willing to listen, and trying to understand how they think and feel. It requires, too, a greater emphasis on the main goal than on one’s own vanity.

WE ALL create the person we become by our choices as we go through life. In a very real sense, by the time we are adult, we are the sum total of the choices we have made.

There are, of course, a number of older people who stick firmly to the old ways, without any interest in what has happened to the world. “I was always brought up to think….” they begin, and you know at once that they will bring forth a rule of behavior or a point of view that has no particular relevance now.

Let me hasten to say, however, that I do not believe it is either wise or fair to bring difficult—and particularly emotional—problems before very young children or make them feel responsible for their solution. Until the child is ready to take a part in the discussion, he should not be burdened with situations he cannot help to solve and which will only undermine his sense of security at home.

Then come the hard choices: What do I believe? To what extent am I ready to live up to my beliefs? How far am I ready to support them? Are there times when I lack the courage to stand up and be counted because I fear loss of prestige or popularity, of alienating my neighbors, of hurting my business or professional standing?

The temptation, too often, is to find an alibi for your first mistaken choice. “Well, the people didn’t seem to be fair…. They were too hard on me…. I didn’t know they would expect so much….” It takes honesty and courage to accept the full responsibility when your first choice has been wrong; it takes honesty and courage to acknowledge that the fault was yours and you have no excuses to make.

Theodore Roosevelt frequently declared that a man’s first duty is to support himself and his family. His next is to serve his country, not only in time of war but whenever and wherever he is needed.

We must, for the most part, rely for much of our information on four main sources: the President of the United States, who is, or should be, the great educator of the people, bringing issues to them and explaining the situation; the great mass media of communication, newspapers, radio, television, which are, or should be, vehicles for bringing unbiased reports of news events, economic and political conditions; the the commentators who are, or should be, analysts of the news, of economics, of contemporary history, of political leaders, based on a wider source of information and a broader experience than the average voter can possibly have; and discussion, frank and open, no holds barred, on men and policies with friends and neighbors.

Finding the facts—there’s the rub. It seems to me that the mass media do not take as seriously as they should their immense responsibility to keep the people of the country informed. Too often, they present the news scantily and inadequately. They should present two sides of each question so that the people can have a real opportunity to form their own judgments. After all, both sides are news.

It is not only important but mentally invigorating to discuss political matters with people whose opinions differ radically from one’s own. For the same reason, I believe it is a sound idea to attend not only the meetings of one’s own party but of the opposition. Find out what people are saying, what they are thinking, what they believe. This is an invaluable check on one’s own ideas. Are we right in what we think or is there a different approach that might be more effective? Are we clinging to an outmoded theory? Which policy is best for the people, best for our government, best for the world? If we are to cope intelligently with a changing world, we must be flexible and willing to relinquish opinions that no longer have any bearing on existing conditions.

The simplest and most obvious way in which to begin familiarizing yourself with your duties as a citizen and with the mechanics of politics is to take the trouble to pay some attention to local politics. In your own community, where the issues are familiar to you and you are able to judge for yourself what should be done and how it should be accomplished, there is no mystery about them.

Only within the last half century have people come to realize that politics is not simply a career for professionals. It is a medium through which you, as a citizen, can accomplish certain things for your children or your community. It is not necessary for you to run for office. It is necessary to know how to work through the men who represent you.

Corruption? Well, unhappily, yes. There is corruption in politics because there are human beings in politics. There is corruption in business and in law and in medicine. But when there is corruption it is because we allow it to grow and flourish.

There is only one way of combating corruption: that is not by eschewing politics; it is by developing standards of honor, living up to them, and requiring them of our candidates.

One thing no one can dispute: If you want a world ruled by law and not by force you must build up, from the very grassroots, a respect for law. It is the code we have created for our mutual safety and well-being. It is our bulwark against chaos. It is the fabric of our civilization. We cannot rip the fabric nor weaken it without danger to the whole institution which we call government. For the chief duty of the citizen is to make his government the best possible medium for the peaceful and prosperous conduct of life.

Today, we not only expect our politicians to have a national concept but an international concept. In fact, it is essential that they have it. Of course, we cannot expect them to know the world as a whole, but soon after they reach Washington, they have an opportunity to see much of the world. How they see and what they get from these trips is all-important. Sometimes, unfortunately, it is sheer waste, but sometimes new vistas open up which transform commonplace, narrow individuals into really good public servants.

The only real drawback of women in politics that I have noticed is that they are more sensitive to criticism than men. They are slower to learn that they must stick to what they think is right, whether it is popular or not. The newspapers may belabor you on Monday, but by Friday they and the public have forgotten all about the matter. The sensible thing is for the recipient of the criticism to forget it too.

Often a man will have to face a choice: Will you stand firmly for a certain principle and risk defeat, or will you compromise on the issue so you will not be defeated and will still have an opportunity to accomplish other things?