No More Mr. Nice Guy

by Robert A. Glover

Each, in various ways, internalized a belief that they were not OK just as they were and their survival depended on becoming something different.

1) All children are born totally helpless. 2) A child's greatest fear is abandonment. 3) All children are ego-centered. 4) All children have numerous abandonment

experiences — their needs are not met in a timely, judicious manner.

5) When a child has an abandonment experience, he always believes that he is the cause. 6) This naive misinterpretation creates toxic shame — a belief that he is "bad". 7) Children develop survival mechanisms to try to ...

experiences from happening again, and try to hide their "badness" from themselves and others. 8) These childhood survival mechanisms reflect the child's inherent powerle...

all Nice Guys internalized the same belief — it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to be just who they were.

"If a man is talking in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?")

Nice Guys put a woman or women on a pedestal and attempt to win their approval, sooner or later, this adoration will turn to rage when these objects of worship fail to live up to the Nice Guys' expectations. This is why it is not unusual to hear a Nice Guy proclaim his undying love to a woman in one breath and then ragefully call her a "f… c…" only moments later.

Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy.

is actually a person's rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with.

When a child's needs are not met in a timely, healthy manner, the child may come to believe he is "bad" for having needs. He may also think that it is his needs that cause people to hurt him or abandon him.

•Trying to appear needless and wantless. •Making it difficult for others to give to them. •Using "covert contracts." •Caretaking — focusing attention on other people's needs.

Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go

about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.

All of these strategies pretty much ensure that the Nice Guy won't have to experience the fear, shame, or anxiety that might get triggered if he actually allowed someone to focus on his needs.

The Nice Guy's covert contract is simply this: 1) I will do this __ (fill in the blank) for you, so that 2) You will do this __ (fill in the blank) for me. 3) We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract.

Caretaking always consists of two parts: 1) Focusing on another's problems, needs, or feelings in order to 2) Feel valuable, get one's own needs met, or to avoid dealing with one's own problems or feelings.

Giving to get creates a cycle of craziness called the victim triangle. The victim triangle consists of three predictable sequences: 1) The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return.

When it doesn't

seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn't getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful. Remember, the Nice Guy is the one ke...

3) When this frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggre...

withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, even physical abuse. Once the cycle has been completed, it usua...

Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn't drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.

Sometimes these men also developed belief systems that their childhood was ideal and problem-free (the opposite of reality) in order to cope with their abandonment experiences.

Some guidelines about expressing feelings. •Don't focus on the other person, "You are making me mad." Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling: "I am feeling angry."

Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body: "I'm feeling helpless and frightened." •In general, try to begin feeling statements with "I", rather than "you."

For Nice Guys, fear is recorded at the cellular level. It is a memory of

every seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of absolute dependency and helplessness. It originated in not having their needs met in a timely, judicious manner. It was fostered by fearful systems that discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism.

Suffering because they avoid new situations. Suffering because they stay with the familiar. Suffering because they procrastinate, avoid, and fail to finish what they start. Suffering because they make a bad situation worse by doing more of what has never worked in the past. Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the uncontrollable.

My definition of integrity is "deciding what feels right and doing it."

different. If someone is crossing their boundary, it isn't the other person's problem, it is theirs.

These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, and integrity.

As a result, they often lose their sexual assertiveness, competitiveness, creativity, ego, thirst for experience, boisterousness, exhibitionism, and power.

First, the mother must know how to give enough to meet the child's needs without creating dependency. She must also know how to get her own needs met so she is not tempted to use her son to fill the void. Second, the father

must be present and have a healthy bond with his son.

This frustration is due to the reality that in general, women view men who try to please them as weak and hold these men in contempt. Most women do not want a

man who tries to please them — they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don't want a passive, pleasing wimp. They want a man — someone with his balls still intact.

A Nice Guy will frequently avoid doing anything that might upset his partner and cause her to not want to have sex with him. With men,

recovering Nice Guys don't feel like they have to please, placate, lie, caretake or sacrifice like they believe they have to with women. Not having a sexual agenda removes the fear and dysfunctional dances so common for Nice Guys in their relationships with the opposite sex.

Remember, the opposite of crazy is still crazy.

act. In relationships, a life-and-death struggle is played out to balance their fear of vulnerability with their fear of isolation.

In order to balance his fear of vulnerability and fear of abandonment, a Nice Guy needs help. He finds it in people who are equally wounded and

also have difficulty with intimacy. Together they co-create relationships that simultaneously frustrate all parties while protecting them from their fear of being found out.

If he believed he could only get his own needs met after he had met the needs of other more important people, the Nice Guy may sacrifice himself for the sake of his

If he was abandoned in childhood, he may choose partners who are unavailable or unfaithful.

The first time you set a boundary with her she may react intensely. She will push against it. She will tell you that you are wrong

for setting that boundary. She will do her best to find out if your boundary is for real."

Second Date Rule. Using the second date rule, Nice Guys ask themselves, "If this behavior had occurred on the second date, would

there have been a third?"

people. When Nice Guys enter a relationship, they frequently choose partners who look more dysfunctional than they