Before I Fall: The official film tie-in that will take your breath away

by Lauren Oliver

did once kiss Kent McFuller in third grade, but that obviously doesn’t count since we’d just exchanged dandelion rings and were pretending to be husband and wife.

Happy now?

Piss off rob

He gives me a quick smile and a wave,

Cutie

‘You’re a bitch,’

Yass queen

Chest hair has always grossed me out; it’s another thing I don’t think about tonight.

‘I mean, you’re obviously not okay, but I just wanted to know if, you know, there’s anything I could do or something you want to talk about or—’

‘I thought if I had a party, you would come.’

But for some of us there’s only today. And the truth is, you never really know.

‘I forgot about the Crocs phase,’

‘Remember the time in second grade right after my grandfather died?’ he says finally, speaking in a low, quiet voice. ‘I burst into tears in the lunchroom and Phil Howell called me a faggot. That only made me cry harder, even though I didn’t know what a faggot was.’ He laughs softly. I keep my eyes squeezed shut, coasting on his voice. Last year Phil Howell was found half naked with Sean Trebor in the back of his dad’s BMW. It’s funny how things turn out. ‘Anyway, when I told him to leave me alone he smacked my tray, and food went flying everywhere. I’ll never forget: we were having mashed potatoes and turkey burgers. And you went up and scooped the potatoes off the floor with your hands and shoved them straight into Phil’s face. And then you picked up the turkey burger and crumbled it down Phil’s T-shirt. You said, You’re worse than the hot lunch.’ He laughs again. ‘That was a big insult in second grade. And Sean was so surprised, and he looked so ridiculous standing there with mashed potato and chives smeared all over him, that I just started laughing and laughing, and it was the first time I’d laughed since I’d heard the news about – about my grandfather.’ He pauses. ‘Do you remember what I said to you that day?’ The memory is there, a balloon swelling from somewhere so far inside me I thought it was lost, the whole scene clear and perfect now. ‘You’re my hero,’

‘I vowed after that day that I would be your hero too, no matter how long it took,’ he whispers.

‘Tastes like Victoria’s Secret.’ ‘Tastes like thong floss,’ I say. ‘Tastes like crack,’ Lindsay says. ‘Tastes like fart,’ Elody says,

Kiss Kent. Really kiss him, slow and long, somewhere outside – maybe while it’s snowing. Maybe standing in the woods. He’ll lean forward and he’ll have little snowflakes on his eyelashes again and he’ll brush the hair away from my face and put a warm hand behind my neck, so warm it’s almost burning— ‘Hey, Sam.’ Kent’s voice.

I guess that’s what saying good-bye is always like – like jumping off an edge. The worst part is making the choice to do it. Once you’re in the air, there’s nothing you can do but let go.

‘What would I do without you?’

Do a good thing and something bad happens. Do a bad thing and something good happens. Do nothing and everything explodes. And very, very rarely – by some miracle of chance and coincidence, butterflies beating their wings just so and all the threads hanging together for a minute – you get the chance to do the right thing.

‘You going to tell me what this is about?’ He doesn’t smile, but there’s a teasing lilt to his voice and his eyes are bright. I decide to tease him right back, even though being so close to him is making it hard to think. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

Once went a whole school year wearing at least one green item of clothing every single day.

‘The secret is,’ I say, whispering right into his ear, ‘that yours was the best kiss I’ve ever had in my life.’

‘Better get started, then,’ I say, ‘because I don’t have much time.’

the whole world powers off, the moon and the rain and the sky and the streets, and it’s just the two of us in the dark, alive, alive, alive.

‘You can tell me. Whatever it is, you can trust me.’