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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Brené Brown
Read between
December 15 - December 18, 2024
Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.
If connection is the energy that surges between people, we have to remember that those surges must travel in both directions.
The willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something we can do halfheartedly.
If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.
in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
It’s so much easier to say, “I’ll be whoever or whatever you need me to be, as long as I feel like I’m part of this.” From group-think to gossiping, we’ll do what it takes to fit in if we believe it will meet our need for belonging. But it doesn’t. We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we’re embraced for who we are.
differences between professing love and practicing love.
“I don’t know if you can love someone and betray them or be cruel to them, but I do know that when you betray someone or behave in an unkind way toward them, you are not practicing love.
In Jungian circles, shame is often referred to as the swampland of the soul. I’m not suggesting that we wade out into the swamp and set up camp. I’ve done that and I can tell you that the swampland of the soul is an important place to visit,
but you would not want to live there. What I’m proposing is that we learn how to wade through it. We need to see that standing on the shore and catastrophizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears is actually more painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp.
Why is “how-to” so alluring when, truthfully, we already know “how to” yet we’re still standing in the same place
We don’t talk about what keeps us eating until we’re sick, busy beyond human scale, desperate to numb and take the edge off, and full of so much anxiety and self-doubt that we can’t act on what we know is best for us. We don’t talk about the hustle for worthiness that’s become such a part of our lives that we don’t even realize that we’re dancing.
if we’ve worked hard to make sure everything looks “just right” on the outside, the stakes are high when it comes to truth-telling. This is why shame loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet.
This brave woman told me that she pushed through her fear and said, “But they’ve played here for two years, and I’ve been sober for twenty years. I’m not any different than I was ten minutes ago. Why are you?”
powerful anecdotal
high levels of shame resilience share these four elements: 1. They understand shame and recognize what messages and expectations trigger shame for them. 2. They practice critical awareness by reality-checking the messages and expectations that tell us that being imperfect means being inadequate. 3. They reach out and share their stories with people they trust. 4. They speak shame—they use the word shame, they talk about how they’re feeling, and they ask for what they need.
lists
Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors.
When we see people apologize, make amends, or replace negative behaviors with more positive ones, guilt is often the motivator, not shame. In fact, in my research, I found that shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change and do better.2
shame is much more likely to lead to destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.
When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. Full of shame or the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others. In fact, shame is highly correlated with violence, aggression, depression, addiction, eating disorders, and bullying.
He bravely said, “I hear you saying that it was about feeling criticized about your photography, but was that really the vulnerability? Did the shame come from feeling like you were being criticized for a bad picture, or were you ashamed because you’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open rather than closed and protected, and someone hurt you? Was it really about letting yourself be open to connection and getting hurt?”
powerful anecdotal 2
the Stone Center at Wellesley. Dr. Linda Hartling, a former relational-cultural theorist at the Stone Center and now the director of Human Dignity and Humiliation Studies, uses the late Karen Horney’s work on moving toward, moving against, and moving away to outline the strategies of disconnection we use to deal with shame.3
sources
down. It’s important to know our personal symptoms so we can get deliberate in our response to shame. When we’re in shame, we’re not fit for human consumption. We need to get back on our emotional feet before we do, say, email, or text something that we’ll regret.
1. Who do you become when you’re backed into that shame corner? 2. How do you protect yourself? 3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry ’n’ hides or the people-pleasing? 4. What’s the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?
shame resilience and story-claiming questions
and there are the rest of us who are authentic on some days and not so authentic on other days.
cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.
choosing authenticity means: list
“Staying real” is one of the most courageous battles that we’ll ever fight.
It’s not so much the act of authenticity that challenges the status quo—I think of it as the audacity of authenticity. Most of us have shame triggers around being perceived as self-indulgent or self-focused. We don’t want our authenticity to be perceived as selfish or narcissistic.
When I first started mindfully practicing authenticity and worthiness, I felt like every day was a walk through a gauntlet of gremlins. Their voices can be loud and unrelenting:
The pushback can be everything from eye rolls and whispers to relationship struggles and feelings of isolation.
femininity. Here’s how the research participants described the struggle to be authentic: Don’t make people feel uncomfortable but be honest. Don’t upset anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings but say what’s on your mind. Sound informed and educated but not like a know-it-all. Don’t say anything unpopular or controversial but have the courage to disagree with the crowd.
do this but don't do that; nonsense
The problem is that when we don’t care at all what people think and we’re immune to hurt, we’re also ineffective at connecting. Courage is telling our story, not being immune to criticism. Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.
the standout quote. immune to hurt, not caring what other people think only equals that we're going to be bad at communicating, connecting with the people we so desparately need to hear. we can tell our story but must be mindful that this is going to be vulnerable, it's also possibility for connection with others.
there’s even more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world. Our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions don’t just go away. They are likely to fester and eat away at our worthiness.
Yes, there can be authenticity growing pains for the people around us, but in the end, being true to ourselves is the best gift we can give the people we love.
remember not to get small so other people are comfortable and not to throw up my armor as a way to protect myself.
When I interviewed people who were engaging with the world from a place of authenticity and worthiness, I realized that they had a lot in common regarding perfectionism. First, they spoke about their imperfections in a tender and honest way, and without shame and fear. Second, they were slow to judge themselves and others. They appeared to operate from a place of “We’re all doing the best we can.” Their courage, compassion, and connection seemed rooted in the way they treated themselves.
sources: interviews regarding perfectionism
Dr. Kristin Neff is a researcher and professor at the University of Texas at Austin. She runs the Self-Compassion Research Lab, where she studies how we develop and practice self-compassion.
sources
According to Neff, self-compassion has three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.4 Here are abbreviated definitions for each of these: SELF-KINDNESS: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. COMMON HUMANITY: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience—something we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone. MINDFULNESS: Taking a balanced approach to
...more
lists on self compassion elements
is Dr. Neff’s Self-Compassion Scale.5 It’s a short test that measures the elements of self-compassion (self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness) and the things that get in the way (self-judgment, isolation, and over-identification). The scale helped me to realize that I do really well in terms of common humanity and mindfulness, but self-kindness needs my constant attention. The Self-Compassion Scale and other wonderful information are available on Dr. Neff’s Web site: self-compassion.org.
If you look at the research, here are five of the most common factors of resilient people: 1. They are resourceful and have good problem-solving skills. 2. They are more likely to seek help. 3. They hold the belief that they can do something that will help them to manage their feelings and to cope. 4. They have social support available to them. 5. They are connected with others, such as family or friends.2
resilience list
The best definition of power comes from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He described power as the ability to achieve our purpose and to effect change. If we question our need for power, think about this: How do you feel when you believe that you are powerless to change something in your life?
When we allow ourselves to become culturally conditioned to believe that we are not enough and that we don’t make enough or have enough, it damages our soul. This is why I think practicing critical awareness and reality-checking is as much about spirituality as it is about critical thinking.
heard over and over about the need to numb and take the edge off of feelings that cause vulnerability, discomfort, and pain. Participants described engaging in behaviors that numbed their feelings or helped them to avoid experiencing pain. Some of these participants were fully aware that their behaviors had a numbing effect,
interviews with people fully aware of their "numbing" behaviors yet still do it
I’d describe as living a wholehearted life about the same topic, they consistently talked about trying to feel the feelings, staying mindful about numbing behaviors, staying in it, and trying to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions.
We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.
they cancel each other out and it doesn't seem to have a good outcome
I’ve had a couple of friends respond to my “I’m a take-the-edge-off-aholic” with concern about their own habits: “I drink a couple of glasses of wine every night—is that bad?” “I always shop when I’m stressed or depressed.” “I come out of my skin if I’m not always going and staying busy.”
Are we using _____________ to hide or escape from the reality of our lives?
While I was “taking the edge off” the pain and vulnerability, I was also unintentionally dulling my experiences of good feelings, like joy.
To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees—these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain.
When we lose our tolerance for discomfort, we lose joy. In fact, addiction research shows us that an intensely positive experience is as likely to cause relapse as an intensely painful experience.
incredibly personal and hard-hitting
Whether we’re overcoming adversity, surviving trauma, or dealing with stress and anxiety, having a sense of purpose, meaning, and perspective in our lives allows us to develop understanding and move forward.
reminds me of Frankl
