The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

by Brené Brown

Without purpose, meaning, and perspective, it is easy to lose hope, numb our emotions, or become overwhelmed by our circumstances. We feel reduced, less capable, and lost in the face of struggle. The heart of spirituality is connection. When we believe in that inextricable connection, we don’t feel alone.

when Frankl "speaks" to his wife, it ceased to matter if she was alive, she was there with him in spirit

wonderful intention-setting reminder during a Twelve Step meeting. I love it! It’s called the vowel check: AEIOUY. A = Have I been Abstinent today? (However you define that—it’s way more challenging to define abstinence when it comes to things like food, work, and the computer, but the process of defining what it means to you is worth the effort. It changed my life.) E = Have I Exercised today? I = What have I done for myself today? O = What have I done for Others today? U = Am I holding on to Unexpressed emotions today? Y = Yeah! What is something good that’s happened today?

vowel check-in list

writer and researcher Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”

Without exception, every person I interviewed who described living a joyful life or who described themselves as joyful actively practiced gratitude and attributed their joyfulness to their gratitude practice. Both joy and gratitude were described as spiritual practices that were bound to a belief in human interconnectedness and a power greater than us. People were quick to point out the difference between happiness and joy as the difference between a human emotion that’s connected to circumstances and a spiritual way of engaging with the world that’s connected to practicing gratitude.

you must work/study gratitude

I don’t put my attitude into action enough to call it a practice.

boom. this can apply to anything, she uses yoga as her example.

The folks I interviewed talked about keeping gratitude journals, doing daily gratitude meditations or prayers, creating gratitude art, and even stopping during their stressful, busy days to actually say these words out loud: “I am grateful for…” When the wholehearted talk about gratitude, there are a whole bunch of verbs involved.

Joy seems to me a step beyond happiness. Happiness is a sort of atmosphere you can live in sometimes when you’re lucky. Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love. —ADELA ROGERS ST. JOHNS

Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down extraordinary moments. Other times we’re so afraid of the dark that we don’t dare let ourselves enjoy the light. A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable.

many of us have very little tolerance for vulnerability. Our anxiety and fear can manifest as scarcity. We think to ourselves: I’m not going to allow myself to feel this joy because I know it won’t last. Acknowledging how grateful I am is an invitation for disaster. I’d rather not be joyful than have to wait for the other shoe to drop.

list on vulnerability

I would continue to study what I now call “foreboding joy” for decades, and this would lead me to discover that the best way to transform our compulsive need to dress-rehearse tragedy in times of overwhelming joy is to practice gratitude. Rather than using that vulnerability shiver that comes when things feel “too good” as a warning sign, use it as a reminder to practice gratitude.

the term foreboding joy

We’re afraid to lose what we love the most, and we hate that there are no guarantees. We think not being grateful and not feeling joy will make it hurt less. We think if we can beat vulnerability to the punch by imaging loss, we’ll suffer less. We’re wrong. There is one guarantee: If we’re not practicing gratitude and allowing ourselves to know joy, we are missing out on the two things that will actually sustain us during the inevitable hard times.

by imagining loss, we’ll suffer less

addressing scarcity doesn’t mean searching for abundance but rather choosing a mind-set of sufficiency:

Our culture is quick to dismiss quiet, ordinary, hardworking people. In many instances, we equate ordinary with boring or, even more dangerous, ordinary has become synonymous with meaningless.”4

It was clear that their most precious memories were forged from a collection of ordinary moments, and their hope for others is that they would stop long enough to be grateful for those moments and the joy they bring.

Get Deliberate: When I’m flooded with fear and scarcity, I try to call forward joy and sufficiency by acknowledging the fear, then transforming it into gratitude. I say this out loud: “I’m feeling vulnerable. That’s okay. I’m so grateful for ____________.” Doing this has absolutely increased my capacity for joy. Get Inspired: I’m so inspired by the daily doses of joy that happen in those ordinary moments, like walking my kids home from school, jumping on the trampoline, and sharing family meals. Acknowledging that these moments are really what life is about has changed my outlook on work, family, and success. Get Going: From taking turns being thankful during grace to more creative projects like creating a jar to keep gratitude notes in, we’re making wholeheartedness a family affair.

Comparison is all about conformity and competition.

It’s not “cultivate self-acceptance, belonging, and authenticity”; it’s “be just like everyone else, but better.”

Theodore Roosevelt: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Creativity, which is the expression of our originality, helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared. And, without comparison, concepts like ahead or behind or best or worst lose their meaning.

of Dr. Stuart Brown. Dr. Brown is a psychiatrist, clinical researcher, and founder of the National Institute for Play. He is also the author of a wonderful book titled Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul.1

where our self-worth is tied to our net worth, and we base our worthiness on our level of productivity—spending time doing purposeless activities is rare. In fact, for many of us it sounds like an anxiety attack waiting to happen.

We’ve got so much to do and so little time that the idea of spending time doing anything unrelated to the to-do list actually creates stress.

“The opposite of play is not work—the opposite of play is depression.”

bring back excitement and newness to our job. Play helps us deal with difficulties, provides a sense of expansiveness, promotes mastery of our craft, and is an essential part of the creative process. Most important, true play that comes from our own inner needs and desires is the only path to finding lasting joy and satisfaction

The same gremlins that tell us we’re too busy to play and waste time fooling around are the ones that whisper: “One more hour of work! You can catch up on your sleep this weekend.” “Napping is for the weak.” “Push through. You can handle it.”

the “ingredients for joy and meaning” list. I encourage you to sit down and make a list of the specific conditions that are in place when everything feels good in your life. Then check that list against your to-do list and your to-accomplish list. It might surprise you.

Daniel Pink’s book A Whole New Mind.

when they start having Twelve Step meetings for busy-aholics, they’ll need to rent out football stadiums.

Underfunctioners tend to get less competent under stress. They invite others to take over and often become the focus of family gossip, worry, or concern. They can get labeled as the “irresponsible one” or the “problem child” or the “fragile one.”

writing them down and owning the gremlins’ messages doesn’t give the messages more power; it gives us more power. It gives us the opportunity to say, “I get it. I see that I’m afraid of this, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

to the questions: what makes us afraid? what's on our "supposed to" list? Who says? Why?

Now my answer to “What do you do?” is, “How much time do you have?”

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

When we don’t give ourselves permission to be free, we rarely tolerate that freedom in others. We put them down, make fun of them, ridicule their behaviors, and sometimes shame them. We can do this intentionally or unconsciously.

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It’s about cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

the gifts of imperfection are courage, compassion, and connection,