Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

The sense of common humanity inherent in self-appreciation means that we appreciate ourselves not because we’re better than others, but because all people have goodness in them. To appreciate others’ goodness while ignoring or deprecating our own creates a false division between us and them. But as a distinctive expression of the universal life force that animates all our experience, we honor everything when we honor ourselves.

Self-appreciation, on the other hand, is not a judgment or label, nor does it define us. It is a way of relating to what is good in us. It recognizes that we are an ever-changing process that can never fully be defined—whether positively or negatively. It does, however, acknowledge our moments of splendor. There are always wonderful things to appreciate about ourselves, even if they don’t make us unique.

And when we can appreciate those aspects of ourselves that are unique, it can be done in the context of recognizing our complex, interconnected nature, not as a way of scoring points over our fellows. With self-appreciation, we don’t need to put others down to feel good about ourselves. I can appreciate my own achievements at the same time that I recognize yours. I can rejoice in your talents while also celebrating my own. Appreciation involves acknowledging the light in everyone, ourselves included.

For this reason, many psychologists argue that we have a happiness “set point” that is largely genetic. This is only part of the story, however. Research also shows that people can boost their happiness levels significantly simply by changing the way they relate to their lives. In other words, it’s not so much what happens to you but your attitude toward what happens that matters. Lyubomirsky finds that several key factors make a difference in terms of maximizing happiness. Some of the most important are being grateful for what you have, looking at the bright side of difficult situations, not comparing yourself to others, practicing acts of kindness, being mindful, and savoring joy. All of these factors fall nicely within the larger concept of self-appreciation, but we’ll focus on two in particular: gratitude and savoring.

When we savor an experience, we hold it in mindful awareness, paying conscious attention to the pleasant thoughts, sensations, and emotions arising in the present moment. We can also savor delightful memories, so that we relive joyous experiences and appreciate them all over again—like the day we met our life partner, or first held our newborn child, or took that romantic trip to Prague. Savoring is an intentional act designed to prolong and deepen pleasure, luxuriating in its beauty.