Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

Germer observes that his clients typically go through several distinct stages of self-compassion practice during their therapy. A common experience at the beginning, especially for those who suffer from intense feelings of worthlessness, is “backdraft.” When a fire is deprived of oxygen and fresh air is suddenly let in, an explosion often occurs (the process known by firefighters as backdraft). Similarly, people who are used to constant self-criticism often erupt with anger and intense negativity when they first try to take a kinder, more gentle approach with themselves. It’s as if their sense of self has been so invested in feeling inadequate that this “worthless self” fights for survival when it’s threatened. The way to deal with backdraft, of course, is to mindfully accept the experience and have compassion for how hard it is to experience such intense negativity.

When people practice self-compassion as a subtle way of resisting their negative emotions, not only will the bad feelings remain, they will often get worse. Germer says that he sees this phase of the therapy process as a good sign, because it means clients can begin to question their motivations. Are they being compassionate primarily because they want to be emotionally healthy, or because they mainly want to eliminate their pain?

We tend to think it’s only young people who fall prey to peer pressure and insecurity of this sort, but how often do we adults feel good or bad about ourselves simply because of some vague and unsubstantiated notion about how “other people” are viewing us? Not only are our perceptions of reality often seriously clouded, our obsession with the impression we’re making on others may lead to some serious self-delusion.

“Contingent self-worth” is a term psychologists use to refer to a sense of self-esteem that depends on success or failure, on approval or disapproval.

Research shows that the more your overall sense of self-worth is dependent on success in particular life areas, the more generally miserable you feel when you fail in those areas.

Ironically, people who excel in areas important to their self-esteem are the most vulnerable to letdowns. The straight A student feels crushed if she receives anything less than an A on an exam, whereas the D student might feel on top of the world for merely getting a C. The higher you climb, the farther you have to fall.

Psychologists refer to this process as the “hedonic treadmill” (hedonic means pleasure seeking), comparing the pursuit of happiness to a person on a treadmill who has to continually work harder just to stay in the same place.

Our thinking on these matters tends to be incredibly black and white—either we’re all good (phew, breathe a sigh of relief) or we’re all bad (might as well throw in the towel now). Any threat to our mental representation of who we are, therefore, feels like an actual, visceral threat, and we respond as powerfully as a soldier defending his very life.

self-compassion is associated with significantly less anxiety and depression, as well as more happiness, optimism, and positive emotions. However, self-compassion offers clear advantages over self-esteem when things go wrong, or when our egos are threatened.

People who invest their self-worth in feeling superior and infallible tend to get angry and defensive when their status is threatened. People who compassionately accept their imperfection, however, no longer need to engage in such unhealthy behaviors to protect their egos. In fact, a striking finding of the study was that people with high self-esteem were much more narcissistic than those with low self-esteem. In contrast, self-compassion was completely unassociated with narcissism. (The reason there wasn’t a negative association is because people who lack

why is self-compassion a more effective motivator than self-criticism? Because its driving force is love not fear. Love allows us to feel confident and secure (in part by pumping up our oxytocin), while fear makes us feel insecure and jittery (sending our amygdala into overdrive and flooding our systems with cortisol). When we trust ourselves to be understanding and compassionate when we fail, we won’t cause ourselves unnecessary stress and anxiety. We can relax knowing that we’ll be accepted regardless of how well or how poorly we do. But if that’s true, why should we try working hard at all? Why not just kick up our feet and binge-watch TV all day?

In the same way, self-compassion involves valuing yourself in a deep way, making choices that lead to well-being in the long term. Self-compassion wants to heal dysfunctions, not perpetuate them. There’s nothing wrong with occasionally indulging yourself, of course. Sometimes eating that piece of lemon cheesecake is actually a form of self-care. But overindulgence (i.e., eating the whole cheesecake) doesn’t feel good. It’s counterproductive because it prevents us from getting what we really want: to reach our highest potential.

The ability to realize our potential depends partly on where our motivation comes from. Is it intrinsic or extrinsic? Intrinsic motivation occurs when we’re driven to do something because we want to learn, grow, or because the activity is just plain interesting. Extrinsic motivation occurs when we’re driven to do something in order to gain a reward or escape a punishment. Even when rewards and punishments come from within, like the reward of self-esteem or the punishment of self-criticism, our motivation is still extrinsic because we’re engaging in an activity for ulterior motives.

Because their motivation stems from the desire to learn and grow, rather than from the desire to escape self-criticism, they are more willing to take learning risks. This is largely because they’re not so afraid of failure.

are not, and when it’s time to take a new approach. Far from being a form of self-indulgence, self-compassion and real achievement go hand in hand. Self-compassion inspires us to pursue our dreams and creates the brave, confident, curious, and resilient mind-set that allows us to actually achieve them. Exercise Two Self-Compassion and Procrastination We procrastinate for different reasons. Sometimes we just don’t want to do an unpleasant

Can you feel the emotions in your body, holding them in nonjudgmental, mindful awareness? Recognize that these are moments of suffering, even if on a small scale. All our emotions are worthy of being felt and validated. Once you give yourself the sense of comfort you want, you’ll probably find yourself less resistant to getting started.

happiness than those motivated by self-criticism. Our research indicates that self-compassionate people tend to be more authentic and autonomous in their lives, whereas those who lack self-compassion tend to be more conformist because they don’t want to risk social judgment or rejection. Authenticity and autonomy are crucial for happiness, of course, because without them life can feel like meaningless drudgery.

Steven Stosny, the well-known author of Love Without Hurt, has created a program for emotionally and physically abusive men that centers on the development of self-compassion. In three-day workshops he calls “boot camps,” men with severe anger issues are taught to clearly see and understand the feelings of vulnerability underlying their rage, so that the cycle of blame and anger can end. When men start to relate to their deficiencies with compassion rather than shame, they no longer need to deny personal responsibility in order to defend their egos. This allows them to focus on their true desire: fostering loving, mutually supportive relationships with others. Stosny’s anger-management boot camps are some of the most successful in the country and attest to the power of self-compassion to foster self-clarity and change.

If we’re consumed with feelings of shame and inadequacy because of what we’ve done, we are actually being self-absorbed. We aren’t focusing our attention and concern where it’s most needed—on the person we’ve hurt. Self-compassion provides the emotional safety needed to take responsibility for our actions, consider their impact on others, and sincerely apologize for our behavior.

Caregiver fatigue is a type of exhaustion and burnout experienced as a result of continually caring for and empathizing with traumatized patients. When listening to tales of abuse or horror, or when tending to bodies that have been ravaged by sickness or violence, caregivers feel their patients’ distress. For this reason, caregiver fatigue is also known by the name “secondary traumatic stress.” The symptoms of secondary traumatic stress can resemble those of posttraumatic stress disorder, such as nightmares, emotional numbing, and an exaggerated startle response. Secondary stress may also lead to decreased feelings of safety, increased cynicism, and disconnection from loved ones.

We need to have a steady supply of compassion available to ourselves in order to have adequate resources to share with others. If we’re knocked flat on our backs because our own resources are depleted, what use are we to those who rely on us? In many ways, then, self-compassion is an altruistic act, because it puts us into the optimal mental and emotional mind-set to help others in a sustainable, long-lasting way.

Forgiveness happens when we stop holding a grudge and let go of our right to resentment for being mistreated. It means turning the other cheek—doing unto others as we would have others do unto us, not as they did do unto us. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we stop protecting ourselves, of course, but it does mean we let go of tit-for-tat retaliation. This includes the emotional retaliation of anger and bitterness, which only hurts ourselves in the long run. Self-compassion makes it easier to forgive, partly because it gives us the ability to heal the emotional wounds caused by others.

when we gain insight into interconnectedness, we see that innumerable factors continually influence who we are and what we do. We begin to see how impossible it is to completely blame any one individual for anything—ourselves included. Each conscious being rests at the nexus of a vast number of interwoven causes and conditions that influence their behavior. This insight is often the key that allows us to forgive ourselves and others, letting go of anger and resentment and engendering compassion for all.

And so it goes. Pain and dysfunction get passed down from generation to generation. A mixture of genetic inheritance and environmental circumstance ensures that our lives unfold according to a complex web of conditions that is infinitely larger than ourselves. The only way to stop the vicious cycle of reacting to pain by causing more pain is to step out of the system. We need to let our hearts fill with compassion, and forgive ourselves and others.

However, it also understands that all people are imperfect, that we all make mistakes. It understands that people often act out of ignorance, immaturity, fear, or irrational impulse, and that we shouldn’t judge people for their actions as if they had full conscious control over them. And even in those cases where people are cognizant of the harm they are causing, the question still needs to be asked—what happened to make them lose touch with their hearts? What wound occurred to lead to such cold and callous behavior? What’s their story?

Not my experience in the church. Sin / error / pain may be reconciled but held over you

But when you are ready, one of the best ways to forgive someone is to recognize the causes and conditions leading the person to act as they did. Our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are the product of innumerable interconnected factors, many of which are outside of our control. Understanding interconnectedness can therefore help facilitate the process of forgiveness.

Certainly harder when you don’t have relationship or the context of that persons life experiences

May I be safe, May I be peaceful, May I be kind to myself, May I accept myself as I am. Or if the suffering stems from external circumstances, the last phrase can be changed to May I accept my life as it is. We find that the self-compassion variant of the traditional loving-kindness phrases tends to be more powerful when people are struggling

May I be safe. May I be peaceful. May I be kind to myself. May I accept myself as I am.

If the feeling of compassion is arising for you, allow yourself to savor this sweet feeling. If few or no feelings of compassion are arising, this is the equally beautiful truth of the present moment. Allow yourself to savor your goodwill and intention to care for yourself. This is what matters most.

those trained merely to change their thinking patterns. Moreover, the larger the increases in self-compassion, the higher the level of insula activation, supporting the idea that self-compassion increases one’s capacity for perspective taking.

it. One thing that’s also worth considering before correcting your child is whether or not your own reactions are at all ego defensive. Are you identifying with your child, so that you feel his or her subpar behavior reflects poorly on you? When your daughter is fidgeting and can’t sit still in a restaurant, is the problem really the fidgeting, or other people’s judgments that you must be a bad parent because your child isn’t well behaved? Unless you can admit this to yourself, and give yourself compassion for this very human reaction, you’re likely to handle the situation poorly. When you are compassionate toward yourself, however, you’ll be in a better position to respond compassionately to your child.

Rowan turned and said, “It’s okay, Mommy. Do you want to be sad or happy?”

When we let go of egoistic striving—ending our obsession with evaluating ourselves positively—our love and desire for others only intensifies. By embracing life as it is, allowing the life force to flow through us freely, our passion can reach new, more wonderful heights.

But if we exclusively rely on our partner’s good opinion of us to feel okay about ourselves, some time or another we’re going to get a rude awakening.

Diane’s desire to control really stemmed from fear. Shortly after she got her driver’s license at age sixteen, Diane was driving some friends to the beach, overcorrected on a curve, and flipped the car three times. One of her best friends almost died. She was so freaked out that she wanted to make sure nothing bad would ever happen again. By attempting to control everything in her life, Diane felt safer, as if she could counter the unpredictability of existence. Instead of having compassion for her controlling tendencies, however, her first instinct was either to criticize herself for being so rigid, or else criticize Eric for being so careless—often both.

Rather than relying on your partner to give you exactly what you need, try meeting your own needs first. Identify what you’re craving (validation, care, support, etc.) and see if self-compassion can help give it to you. This will help take the pressure off your partner to be a mind reader and react in the exact manner you want. As you learn to rely more on self-compassion to deal with your patterns when they arise, you’ll eventually find that they have less hold over you. Wounds do heal, as long as they are given the care and attention they need.

Self-compassion tends to inspire positive rather than destructive emotions during relationship conflicts. When we’re upset over a relationship issue, self-compassion allows us to soothe and calm the intensity of our feelings, meaning that we’re better able to rein in the four horsemen. We’re less likely to be harshly critical, show contempt, or be ego defensive during an argument if we experience the emotional safety needed to acknowledge our own role in the dispute. Self-compassion also provides the equanimity needed for talking through difficult relationship issues, meaning that it can reduce stonewalling. Self-compassion tends to soften our hearts, making it easier to get in touch with the affection we feel for our partners, and facilitating the expression of positive emotions during conflicts. And because self-compassion lets us take our egos less seriously, we can sometimes even find humor in our overreactions.

The wise advice of relationship counselors is for each partner to validate the emotions of the other partner before presenting his or her own point of view.

If you can compassionately validate your own feelings, gently reminding yourself that it’s only natural for you to feel the way you do, you won’t have to speak louder and louder in order to feel heard. You can tell yourself what you really want to hear in the moment, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling hurt and frustrated right now, what can I do to help?” Then, once you begin to feel accepted and cared for, you’ll be in a better place to listen to what your partner is saying and see things from his or her point of view. Less fuel will be added to the fire, and the conflict will hopefully start to cool down.

To have the type of close, connected relationships you really want with others, you first need to feel close and connected to yourself. By being caring and supportive when you confront the limitations of living a human life, you’ll have the emotional resources needed to act in a caring and supportive way with your significant other. By meeting your own needs for love and acceptance, you’ll be less needy and clingy. And by accepting the fact neither you nor your relationship is going to be perfect, you’ll be able to enjoy your relationship more for what it is rather than comparing it to some notion of how a romance is supposed to be—a Cinderella meets Prince Charming fairy tale that doesn’t exist in real life (and which would be too one-dimensional to hold anyone’s interest for long anyway). Self-compassion embraces imperfection with love, providing the fertile soil needed for romance to truly flourish.

Self-compassion gives incredible strength to romantic relationships. When we stop depending on our partners to meet all our emotional needs—giving ourselves the love and acceptance we want—we become less clingy, needy, and dependent. When we remember that we’re only human, we can admit our mistakes and talk things through with greater calm and clarity. And by being gentle and warm with ourselves, we’ll be in a better emotional space to be there for the person we love.

Some people want lifelong celibacy, others monogamy, others serial monogamy, others polyamory. Some married couples are basically platonic and don’t have sex at all. There is no right or wrong when it comes to sex, only what’s healthy or unhealthy for each individual or couple. When we deny our human nature—and sexual desire certainly lies at the very core of human nature—we will not have healthy sexual relationships. And therefore we will not have healthy romantic relationships either. Well-being cannot be nurtured in a lie.

If you want to make changes in your sex life, make sure your decisions are driven by your desire to be healthy and happy. Authentic sexuality means you accept and validate all your sexual feelings, and fulfill your desires in a way that helps you to grow and flourish.

However, results also showed that increased self-compassion was associated with faster recognition of sexual feelings. When presented with erotic images, self-compassionate individuals were quicker to notice when they had become aroused. This suggests that self-compassion can help people become more attuned to their bodies and more comfortable with their sexuality.

Fortunately, when we decide to hold our flawed humanity with compassion, everything changes. By responding to our own pain with a sense of kindness and connection, by soothing and comforting ourselves when faced with the imperfection of ourselves or our lives, we are creating new positive emotions that weren’t there a moment earlier. Instead of just feeling inadequate, we now feel both inadequate and connected in remembering this shared aspect of the human experience. Instead of just feeling sadness, we now feel both sadness and the sweet tenderness of concern for a wound that needs healing. Instead of just feeling frightened, we now feel both frightened and comforted by our own kindness and caring. By relating to ourselves with compassion, we are holding our negative emotions in the warm embrace of good feeling.

Frederickson argues that positive emotions allow you to take advantage of opportunities rather than merely avoid dangers. Positive emotions, rather than narrowing our attention, do just the opposite. Because they help us to feel calm and safe, good feelings increase openness to new experiences, as well as increasing a sense of connectedness and trust in others. As Frederickson says, “Positivity opens us. The first core truth about positive emotions is that they open our hearts and minds, making us more receptive and more creative.”

Again, self-compassion doesn’t erase negative feelings, it embraces them with care and kindness. This sets off the “broaden-and-build cycle” mentioned earlier. Because self-compassion makes us feel safe, centered, and connected, we can delight in what’s wonderful about our lives rather than dwelling solely on problems and limitations. We can start to pursue our dreams rather than merely ward off dangers.

While we ultimately want happiness in our lives, achieving this state requires feeling all of our emotions—the highs and the lows, the leaps forward as well as the setbacks. Emotions such as sadness, shame, anger, and fear are as necessary and integral to life’s drama as joy, pride, love, and courage. As Carl Jung once wrote, “Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” The key word here is balance. We don’t want negative feelings to color all of our perceptions, but we don’t want to totally exclude them either. As if excluding them was even possible.

When we feel connected with others, we can fully revel in their glory. But what would happen if we widened that sense of belonging to include all of humanity, not just our local sports team? Then our side would always win.

expected. I must take note of their strengths and talents to fully appreciate and acknowledge the amazing person they are. For this reason, sympathetic joy also requires mindfulness.