How Y'all Doing? Misadventures and Mischief from a Life Well Lived

by Leslie Jordan

Years ago, I had been told by Barbara Miller, the legendary casting director, that when I died, on my tombstone, it should read, here lies the other way to go.

“Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a habit. And happiness is something you have to work hard at. It does not just happen.”

Wise words

Right in the midst of all this, my phone rang. It was a friend who was out in California. He told me, “Leslie, you’ve gone viral.” I quickly answered, “Oh no, honey. I’m fine. I’m staying at my mother’s house in Tennessee.”

Snobby people sometimes ask me why I read USA Today. Because I want to.

headdress that Cher wore to the Academy Awards. But we thought it would be cute and funny to send you out first in another Cher costume. Bob will LOVE it!” I was pulling off my clothes before they finished the last sentence.

returned it covered in cigarette burns with lots of stains. The neighbor girl never did forgive me. Holds it against me to this day! I was a messy drag queen.

read somewhere once that our parents “did the best they could with the light they had to see with.”

Leslie is giving me wise uncle vibes

“Leslie, this is Debbie, Carrie’s mother.” Debbie Reynolds was on the line!

Okay. Okay. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Am I really listening to Debbie Reynolds talk about Elizabeth Taylor’s stealing Eddie Fisher away from her?

What a life!

And Billie Lourd is the daughter of Carrie Fisher and the granddaughter of Debbie Reynolds, as well as being a really good actress on her own.

How I missed this bit of trivia I'll never know

was hell. Developing feelings for or going after someone who is new in recovery is a big no-no. For all the reasons you can imagine. They are already crippled by the disease of alcoholism and/or drug addiction.

My mind is like a bad neighborhood. Honey, you do not want to go up there alone.

Ha!

Mr. Edwards sent his daughter off to seek her fortune with these profound words: “Ronnie Claire, keep your dress down and your legs together.”

Suddenly, she started laying on her own horn. I was appalled. “This is not full service, Ronnie Claire. This is a self-service gas station. We have to do it ourselves.” “Two things I don’t do, dear, is bring myself to an orgasm and pump my own gas. They’ll be out here eventually,”

I'm dead

once looked myself up on IMDb Pro to see all the parts they had listed for me. It was astounding. There were 386 shows I had been in. Some of them I did not even remember.

There were certainly not a million people, but there were a lot of them. And there were a lot of pencils. Who were all these people? And what were they going to do with all those pencils?

bought a T-shirt, too, to prove it. I was considered a member of the Harvard community now. I wore my lanyard everywhere. Even in the shower.

try things because I think it might not work out. I think that fear keeps so many of us from being successful at things outside our realm of experience. We love to stay in our comfort zone, but the growth only comes when we wander outside of that zone.

The word “kumbaya” means “come by here” in the language spoken by the Gullah, African Americans who live on the islands of South Carolina, Georgia and Florida.

My dad died while on active duty in the army,

So in the midst of all this positive reinforcement, and at the request of my newfound friends on the web, the decision was made that I would make a gospel album.

I had no idea

I have loved Dolly forever and ever. Amen.

Amen

think the greatest gift my mother gave me was my love of reading.

I hope my children say this someday

wild ponies of Chincoteague and Assateague islands off the Maryland and Virginia shores. The herds of wild ponies who live on these islands are believed to have descended from the surviving horses of a Spanish galleon that wrecked off the coast in the 1500s.

Leslie Jordan with the knowledge. Unexpected

My job at Old Mill Farm was to help “break” the yearling racehorses to the saddle.

it as one of the happiest periods of my life. But by the time I was in my early thirties, I was feeling the toll of constant traveling. I had been on the road then for eight or nine years.

I went back to school at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and enrolled in journalism classes. I was told that I needed to get all of my “electives” out of the way. So I enrolled in Introduction to Theater. It was there I got the acting bug, which has sustained me for all these years. But my love of horses and my dream of owning a pony farm have never left me.

I think our dreams are what sustain us in hard times. Dreams are what keep us childlike. I love that they can grow and expand as we grow and expand.

he told me it was not his decision. Stacey Snider, who was head of DreamWorks at the time, thought the movie could use some more comedy. She thought my cartwheel was cute. So there.

Imagine my surprise when she answered. She had just walked offstage! “What do you want, baby?” I jumped into an explanation. “I really did not expect you to answer, honey. I was just so overjoyed and proud. I couldn’t contain myself. And you look so pretty. That white Grecian gown is amazing.” Octavia laughed out loud. “Double Spanxed, baby. I am doubled Spanxed. And I can barely breathe.” Hilarious! That is just hilarious!

He talked to Viola Davis just after she won her oscar?!

She had the Roman Holiday outfit, the Nighty Negligee set, Plantation Belle’s outfit and my personal favorite, Evening Splendor, which was a black evening dress with a little fake-fur hat and fake-fur cuffs.

Wtf is a Plantation Bell outfit...wait, on second thought don't tell me

But recovery is really about learning to live, one day at a time, without the use of anything that affects us from the neck up.

Profound

Now, please bear in mind, in 1958, my career-army daddy scoured Chattanooga, Tennessee, in a freak snowstorm, to find his beloved three-year-old son a bride doll.

He said he lied about thr snowstorm. Ha! I was over here feeling moved!

Why is it that we love to drag all that baggage from childhood with us? We heave it dutifully. We haul it everywhere we go. And we pull it out at the drop of a hat for all to see. Nope, we are not going to let go of all that baggage.

But I can remember my failure at T-ball like it was yesterday. The thing about shame is that it is so selective. I knew my dad loved me. He showed it daily in a million different ways. So why remember failures?

Honey, if embellishment were a sin, I would be sitting in a roaring fire with Beelzebub right now.

Love him