Hamartia

by Scarlett Drake

But it wasn’t then, it wasn’t that, it was the first time I set eyes on him. That was the moment. Nothing was ever going to be the same after that. I knew it. And it wasn’t.

It’s funny you’re asking about love at first sight because he said he hated me at first sight—

The band, my girlfriend, my dad, everything that I thought was important to me, just ceased to exist the moment I first saw him. I’m not proud of that. But it’s what it was.

There was before him and after him, two sides, and I am two completely separate people on each.

“Fucking hell. Thank fuck they don’t speak English.”

Every one of them spoke fucking English.

it was the suggestion of them all fucking each other, and the agreement that we’d take turns on the “pink haired one” because we were certain he “didn’t have a dick anyway” that had kept me up that night.

there were some others in there that could only be described as thirst-pics. I mean, I wasn’t thirsty. I’m not into men.

I’d disprove his assertion that I don’t have a dick by bending him over that bathroom sink and making him take it.

I try to pretend it’s because I know my beautiful girlfriend is in a hotel using her vibrator while thinking of me, and for the first minute at least, it is. But then it’s about him.

It’s not the first time I’ve imagined him in women’s underwear.

I’m not sure I would know what to do if he bent over, spread his ass, and begged me for it.

My obsession with this guy became weird a long time ago. Some dirty secret I have that no one knows about.

I can stop. I still feel like I’m in control of it to some degree. Like I could stop if I want to—it’s just that I haven’t wanted to.

I feel guilty for jerking off to him and dreaming about him, for making him this dirty-talking minx in my head, for this whole weird fucking obsession I’ve cultivated from a single meeting.

How the fuck is Lee Jaehyun standing in front of me in the offices of Halcyon Records in LA? He’s in New York. I know this because I was just on his fucking Instagram page outside.

“It’s Jaehyun right?” I hear myself ask. Fuck, is that my voice? It echoes clumsily around the bathroom sounding nervous and unstable. I’m not ready for what he says next. “And you are Raphael.”

He knows my name. Some weird noise goes off in my head. He knows my fucking name. I mean, a lot of people know my name but for some reason it hadn’t occurred to me that he might.

Jaehyun nods, smiling politely, and then backs away from me towards the door the way you might back away from a crazy homeless person.

“I’ve sent you a message now, so you can find me,” he says, and I want to laugh at that. So I can find him? I check his account more than I check my own.

Do you want anything?” I toss back three of the pills and wash them down with a mouthful of beer. “Korean. See if you can find some Korean, will you?”

But I don’t feel any guilt about it, which is weird. Maybe because of the insanity of it. Because it is a guy. Because I know nothing is ever gonna happen with this person, because I’m not gay. If it was another woman then yeah, I would be a piece of shit. But he’s not. So, I’m fine.

I may as well have asked him to let me know when he was next in town so I could suck his dick.

It’s about the fact that he’s going to be there.

maybe this is all just a weird heteronormative case of a guy having a crush on another guy. Happens all the time.”

Perhaps another friend would not be so bad.

He called me. He called a friend and asked for my number. Then he called me.

“I do not want to be your friend, Raphael. I do not want to watch sunrises and think of you. I do not want to close my eyes to go to sleep and see the image of your mouth when you smile. I do not want to spend a five-hour flight daydreaming about your eyes or the sound of your voice or the way you say my name.

“If you come to see me in New York, then I will assume—based on what you have said—that you wish for there to be something between us which is not friendship.

“Ask me again if I want to fuck you, Jaehyun.” I can hear his breathing change, soft and almost imperceptible, to something quicker, a little heavier. “Do you want to fuck me?” “Yes.”

“We are really going to do this?” “At this point, I honestly fear for my sanity if we don’t do this.”

I’m here because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you for two and a half years. Because I’ve never wanted to touch and be touched by another person as much as I want to touch and be touched by you. Because just looking at you feels like I’m drowning, and I like that feeling more than I should.

I’m moving down in some kind of lust-led daze, towards that pretty fucking cock and swallowing him down in a single go.

What did it mean that the first moment I saw him everything inside me changed color and flavor, while he didn’t even remember it?

A blowjob and a hand job and I’m ready to change citizenship.

I go to find forks.

Do not give a fork to the kpop idol

I hide the other fork under the paper bag

Lmao

I still want him. Not less. Not at all. More; the want is bigger now, altered irrevocably.

I’ve come to realize this about Jae, that he’s perfectly comfortable with silences, even when they’re slightly uncomfortable. He just owns them. Lingers in them. Happy in the quiet.

I likely have about eight seconds of Lee Jaehyun on all fours in front of me before I blow my load all over his fucking ass.

This is the most important performance of my life, and my body knows it.

It’s crazy that he’s real, I think again. That he’s made of the same matter that I am. That beneath all that flawless skin he’s just blood and muscle and bone like I am.

I can only watch in awe as he uses my dick to put on the best show I’ve ever seen.

“I want to be the best you’ve ever had.” I want to be the only one you ever have from now on.

I need to walk and think and then maybe speak to a priest or an exorcist or something because this guy is simmering in my veins like demonic possession.

“You have never seen a Korean sunset; you have never been to Korea” “Baby, I’m pretty sure I was in Korea about ten minutes ago.”

I’m sharing a bath with a guy I’ve been intimate with twice—like it’s the most normal thing in the world—and yet not once with the woman I was going to marry.

“Fuck, Jaehyun, you’re really fucking pretty here,”

He gasps in Korean

?

His precome is sweet and savory at the same time

I lowkey hate that