Excerpt: Amy Schumer's The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo

Posted by Goodreads on August 1, 2016

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You may think you know everything about Amy Schumer, the Emmy Award-winning comedian and actress famous for her drunk girl persona and unapologetic sex jokes (see her lauded sketch comedy show Inside Amy Schumer and hit movie Trainwreck). But the New York native has had only one one-night stand. This is among the many confessions and revelations Schumer makes in her debut book, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo, a much-anticipated collection of "personal and observational essays" that range "from the raucous to the romantic, the heartfelt to the harrowing." Topics covered include Schumer's teen years and family life, her big break, and thoughts on feminism (as well as cringe-worthy anatomical jokes, Schumer is known for provocative satire that takes on sexism, gun control, and rape culture). The stand-up comic, whom Tilda Swinton, Schumer's Trainwreck costar, dubs an "honesty bomb," reportedly received between $8 million and $10 million for her first book. Read on for all the details about that one-night stand in our excerpt below.


My Only One-Night Stand

I've only had one one-night stand in my life. I'm so sorry to disappoint anyone who thinks I walk around at all times with a margarita in one hand and a dildo in the other. But believe it or not, the thought of some mystery cock entering me doesn't get my pulse going. Well, except for this one time….

I was on tour and traveling between two horrendous cities: Fayetteville, North Carolina, and Tampa, Florida. It was early morning and I was hungover, because there is nothing to do in Fayetteville after your show except drink until your eyes close. I got to the airport as I usually do—wearing zero makeup or bra, sweatpants, a T-shirt, and flats. I'm not someone who looks adorable in the morning. I would argue I look exactly like Beetlejuice—the Michael Keaton character, not the Howard Stern regular. One way for me to verify that I drank too much the night before is if I wake up with red-wine teeth and enough eyeliner smeared underneath my eyes that I resemble a tight end for the New England Patriots. The point is, on this particular morning, I looked heinous and smelled like curry, and if someone had put a dollar in my coffee cup, thinking I was homeless, I would have thought, Yep.

I got to airport security and there he was: a six-foot-two-inch strapping strawberry blond of about thirty-five years. My first kiss was with a redhead so I've always had a weakness for them. He was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen, and I was immediately turned on just looking at him.

I audibly sighed, and before he walked through the metal detector, he looked at me. All the blood rushed to my vagina, and I smiled at him before immediately remembering I looked like Bruce Vilanch. (For those of you who don't know who he is and are too lazy to Google it, just picture a barn owl wearing a blond wig.)

I ran to the bathroom to try to find makeup in my purse, which is an actual bottomless pit when I need something (and at all other times). I'm not lying when I say my purse has all the contents of an actual ostrich's nest. I'll never do a celebrity magazine "What's in your purse?" story because people would see the array of fun, gross surprises in there and probably think I needed to be hospitalized. I found some blush and ChapStick, and thought, Perfect. That's all I need to take me from a two to a four. I rolled my sweatpants up to half-calf height, thinking, Let's highlight my strongest zone. I brushed my teeth with my finger and splashed water all over myself. I walked out like I was on a runway and floated right past him. He at no time, for even one second, looked at me in the terminal.

I bought some gum and a magazine with Jennifer Aniston on the cover and boarded the plane, defeated. I got to my tiny window seat and started reading about how Jennifer was going to die alone and it wasn't fair, and there he was again, boarding the plane. He walked down the aisle and I watched him, his arms bulging and his huge hands gripping his bag as he navigated his way between the seats. I was thinking, Maybe when he walks by, I can pretend to sneeze . . . and fall on the floor in front of him . . . and he will trip and fall inside of me. Then I saw him take the seat right next to me.

Game, set, fucking match, I thought, IT IS ON.

"Hi, I'm Amy."

He smiled, revealing a tiny gap between his front teeth. I love a gap more than anything on a man. "Hi, I'm Sam," he said, in an English accent.

I soon found out that he was in the British version of the marines. I couldn't fucking handle it. It was all too much. I felt possessed and lost all control of my voice, like Sigourney Weaver at the end of Ghostbusters. I was in heat, as they say. Who says this? I don't know. Shut up and keep reading about my getting pummeled by this British superhero. There was zero turbulence, yet I still found reasons to grab his arm and bury my face in his shoulder. My clitoris was thumping like the Tell-Tale Heart and I kept thinking of the 98 Degrees song "Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)." I told him I had a show that night and that maybe I would see him after. We exchanged emails and I prayed to every god that it would happen.

I've been in this kind of situation a couple other times but I always decide against one night stands—mostly out of pure laziness. I think of the practical things, like, When can I leave so I can eat pasta? Or What if I look like a blond Shrek in the a.m.? But the Sam situation felt different. He was such a turn-on. After we parted ways in the airport, I held my breath hoping that I would hear from him. Sure enough, when my show was over that night, I had an email from him asking me how it had gone. I joked that I had gotten discovered and was going to make it in this business.

He wrote back: "Who discovered you?"

I wrote: "A magician. I'm going to be his assistant." Which I thought was pretty funny.

He wrote: "Is he gonna saw you in half?"


 I answered: "I was hoping you would."


 BAM! That is the most sexually aggressive yet true thing I've ever written. And it worked. We made plans to meet up at the dance club in the lobby of my hotel. We had half a beer, we danced to Ice Cube telling us we could do it if we put our back into it, and we left to go to my room.

I really needed a boost of sexual confidence during that time of my life. I'd recently learned that a guy I'd been in love with and had dated in the past was gay. Even though it had been a while since we had dated, it still broke my heart when he came out to me. And it made me begin to question myself. This person who made me feel beautiful and sexy for so long was attracted to men. When you get older and wiser, you get your confidence from within, not from the person you are having sex with. But finding out someone I'd dated was gay at that moment in my life was giving me a hard time. I was having trouble feeling like a sexual being and was wondering about my own worth.

Enter Sam—this beautiful, masculine fantasy man who wanted to help Stella get her groove back. The elevator to my room could not travel fast enough. We got to my room and wasted no time.

I dropped my bag and we stripped down to our underwear and got into bed. I can't Fifty Shades out right now and write a sensual paragraph, so I'll just tell you some facts. We were both very giving (head). We both couldn't believe it was happening (we both came a lot). He was so appreciative and excited (we high-fived at one point). Which felt amazing (the sex, not the high five). Coming off the depressing discovery that a guy I'd had a lot of sex with was attracted to men, it felt incredible to have this heavenly being take me in his arms and make me feel both wanted and beautiful.

When we were finished, I told him it was perfect and that I would never have a one-night stand again because it would pale in comparison. We kissed good-bye, and I went to sleep with the biggest smile on my face, thinking, Thank you.

I do realize that one of the best nights of my life was just a one-night stand in Tampa. But I felt like Marlene Dietrich in Morocco. Let the record show that I'm not suggesting one-night stands are cure-alls for broken hearts and low self-esteem—but sometimes they really can fix a specific problem. And even better, sometimes sex is just its own reward. No lessons to be learned. No agenda other than fun.

Sam reached out to me a couple more times when he was back in the US but I stayed true to wanting to keep sacred what strangely felt like the purest night of my life. And it still is.

Comments Showing 1-42 of 42 (42 new)

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message 1: by Wayne (new)

Wayne I love you Amy Shumer, but I got bored reading this...I don't know when you got to the Big Bang (one night stand), but I AM disappointed that you haven't experienced MORE of this glorious, (stop guilting it!), physical love fest...aka "one night stands."


message 2: by Dayle (new)

Dayle Denney Hahaha this is as amazing as I might expect! I cannot wait to read the entirety of this thing.


message 3: by Jim (new)

Jim Carlin Jim wrote: "Jim wrote: ""I love you" is all she said
"Sometimes our light goes out
and is blown again into flame by an
encounter with another human being
Each of us owes the deepest thanks
to those who have r..."



message 4: by Crystal Lynn (new)

Crystal Lynn Bell She's so damned funny! Loved the excerpt!


message 5: by Saifur Rahman (new)

Saifur Rahman Bruce Vilanch? You could have said Donald Trump, much easier reference... Just saying.


message 6: by Gillian (new)

Gillian Meh, liked her in Train wreck and thought she was very funny but this excerpt sounds a bit too contrived...


message 7: by Robert (new)

Robert Paguia wonderful Amy Schumer. Can't wait to read the entire book. plain lovely.


message 8: by Lauren (new)

Lauren Lowry Wayne wrote: "I love you Amy Shumer, but I got bored reading this...I don't know when you got to the Big Bang (one night stand), but I AM disappointed that you haven't experienced MORE of this glorious, (stop gu..."

Yes, guilting her for writing a chapter that isn't over-sexualized and/or racy enough for you is perfectly acceptable.

Not.

Typical little boy reponse.


message 9: by Bianca (new)

Bianca Perusquia If you ever get to read this Amy, why did you not want to further your relationship with this man if he wanted more with you? Was it because a one night stand was all that you wanted?


message 10: by Mauricio (new)

Mauricio I enjoyed reading. Especially the funny bits.. :)

Not sure about all the fuss around a previous ex deciding he liked men. People can desire and love both sexes all the same. No reason to feel cheated... unless he actually cheated IMHO


message 11: by Lisa (new)

Lisa This is perfect!! I can not wait for this book. You're a fucking riot!!!


message 12: by Cheryl (new)

Cheryl Saifur wrote: "Bruce Vilanch? You could have said Donald Trump, much easier reference... Just saying."
Ah, but Bruce Vilanch, gives a funnier and cooler visual!


message 13: by Margaret (new)

Margaret Burns wot a load of tripe --get a life somewhere #####


message 14: by Jenny (new)

Jenny Buck Can't wait to read this book! She is the funniest woman I have seen.

Don't stop, Amy, you rock!!!!!!!!


JB


message 15: by Rita (new)

Rita Kunselman Hard to believe this is true. Sounds more like a romance novel! I like them but, like to read honest & true books if they are by a famous person. Otherwise I feel taken advantage of my time.


message 16: by The Book Crusader (last edited Aug 04, 2016 03:22PM) (new)

The Book Crusader I'm guessing that Amy, in-between bouts of boasting about what a strong, forward thinking feminist she is for referencing female genitals in her skits so frequently, stumbled upon a copy of one of Chelsea Handler's books, most likely My Horizontal Life or Are You There, Vodka, and decided that she could make an even worse book.

Well, Schumer, if the rest of the book carries the same quality as this excerpt then you succeeded and then some.


message 17: by [deleted user] (new)

Ha ha, great excerpt. This book wasn't on my radar, it is now.


Joseph Allen Cohen Wayne wrote: "I love you Amy Shumer, but I got bored reading this...I don't know when you got to the Big Bang (one night stand), but I AM disappointed that you haven't experienced MORE of this glorious, (stop gu..."

Ah Wayne. Way to miss the point, retard.


message 19: by Chari (new)

Chari Fish Loved the excerpt. Will definitely buy the book!


message 20: by Dawn (new)

Dawn Jomez This is kinda cool, but i dont think its interestung enough for me to want to pick it up and read it


message 21: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Weru Crystal Lynn wrote: "She's so damned funny! Loved the excerpt!"

yeah, i did too


message 22: by Jennifer (new)

Jennifer Soooooo your whole act is a lie?


message 23: by Paterson (new)

Paterson Dave one of the great things about being born to a rich and famous family is, as the old jewish adage goes, 'when you're rich, you're better looking, and you sing better, too'. the corollary is that you're funnier, too, and maybe presidentially competent, but i ain't buying any of it.


message 24: by Cheri (new)

Cheri Sears I love her, and love her raw honesty. But wish she wouldn't shame awesome one-night stands! There is NO shame in a woman enjoying sex! As long as she's being safe and smart, it can be awesome!


message 25: by Carla (new)

Carla Roda Cheri wrote: "I love her, and love her raw honesty. But wish she wouldn't shame awesome one-night stands! There is NO shame in a woman enjoying sex! As long as she's being safe and smart, it can be awesome!"

But she wasn't shaming it. She never said they are bad or anything, she said they don't get her pulse going. Just because she doesn't like them, doesn't mean she's against them or shaming people who like one night stands.


message 26: by Taylor Bryant (new)

Taylor Bryant I just didn't think this was very well written or all that entertaining :(


message 27: by Yani (new)

Yani It's written like a tiny little romance oneshot that I actually enjoyed readind, and had a laugh or two! Would be watching out when it hits the shelves!


message 28: by Murrie (new)

Murrie Every line surprising!


message 29: by Onyeka (new)

Onyeka Chinedu One night stand? I think i really have to try it. Very nice Amy, keep it up


message 30: by Dallas (new)

Dallas I'm with Margaret (above) on this. Grow up already!


message 31: by Amarilis (new)

Amarilis Lopez Mauricio wrote: "I enjoyed reading. Especially the funny bits.. :)

Not sure about all the fuss around a previous ex deciding he liked men. People can desire and love both sexes all the same. No reason to feel chea..."



message 32: by Amarilis (new)

Amarilis Lopez Not necessarily Mr. Yes You're, not everyone feels the same things you feel nor you can feel what others feel...Wishes and desires are unique and individual to each and everyone of us. For example, some people have fantasies with animals or dead people, or who how's what terrible thoughts, do you feel the same? Have you? Just to prove a point...peace!


message 33: by Paula (last edited Aug 06, 2016 04:05PM) (new)

Paula Arnold It saddens me that some people read an excerpt from a book and then decide its a good reason to write hateful things to a person they don't even know but who actually could read this and be hurt by it. Just because you are anonymous here doesn't mean you should just say whatever nasty things come to your mind. I think some of you should remember what your mothers taught you - if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.


message 34: by Carly (new)

Carly loved it, love you, love your sense of humor, all the haters can: 1. not read your book if they have a problem knowing actual information about your feelings/opinions/experiences and 2. blow it out their ass. :)


message 35: by Ron (new)

Ron Bruce Vilanch was the perfect reference and I love the story. I wish I had been there. I'm not the British Marine type though, I often sit quietly in the corner and lick my eyebrows.


message 36: by Ahmad (new)

Ahmad Iove you


message 37: by Portia (new)

Portia Amy...you are one hell of a strong girl...Am just glad YOU HAD A GREAT TIME lol


message 38: by Cilliandrew (new)

Cilliandrew When is this woman's 15 minutes going to be up? She is a 1-trick pony who has run her course. So tired of the media shoving her down our throats.


message 39: by Zoe (new)

Zoe Lavoie Not really interested in books like these, but this just made me want to read more! So funny and entertaining. Just love her. Will definitely purchase the book.


message 40: by Ken (new)

Ken Lincoln Right on, thank you for the truth. I always respected you and always will. Your humor always makes me laugh and feel good. I'm married and love my wife and she as well. We don't live together because I have ALS and need more care than she can handle. I pretty much watch TV from my medical residence and can't wait for anything from you. As far as I can tell you are real. You bring happiness to this sometimes topsy-turvy world.
All the best, Kenny kenlincoln45@gmail.com


message 41: by Daniel (new)

Daniel Musyimi Absolutely an amazing excerpt read,can't wait for it on the shelves !


message 42: by Ejumudo (new)

Ejumudo Patience Forget the past... Move on. Get married and have your own kids... Life is Beautiful.


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