Paula’s Comments (group member since Oct 28, 2015)

Paula’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

C. wrote: "Paula, your story gave me two clear impressions for the novel construction of your tale. One, a modern dance performance where all the performers are dressed in dark leotards and start out as a clu..."
Truly, C., I am flattered and delighted--especially by the reference to the Close Encounters score. The leotard-clad dancers image is cool, too--though I'd think of them as perhaps spinning off into their own worlds (lives) awhile, at least in brief memory. Thank you again.

Marianne wrote: "Hoping to get up a story for this month. Tackling my 92 year old mother's health issues might prevent me, but I will try."
I am impressed, Marianne. Truly.

Thank you, Justin. And, hey, I love that song; can't recall the singer/songwriter's name, though.Justin wrote: "...It walks the line."

(blush). Thank you, C.

Justin wrote: "Paula wrote: "Nice subtle touch on that ending, C. Possible the story could use some tightening, but it's very well-constructed, nicely done!"

Hi Paula! Great story! It balances on the knife edge ..."
Thank you, Justin. Very interested if you can critique to me (pm or in "critique" thread) where it slips off the blade--very helpful feedback.

Jack wrote: "Always something different from Paula. I've been watching some of The Expanse and love how the language changes with the separation over time between Earthers, Martians and Belters. A lot like her ..."
Jack, I am honored. Thank you.

Wow, Justin. Wow.
--amazing story-poem.
--gets better and more masterful after the first 1/4 or so, better and better.
--Again, wow.

Up’n at’m
Copyright 2020 by Paula Friedman

Up’n at’m up’n at’m up’n at’m! The way through (assuming that there is any) is

Is up’n at’m up’n at’m up’n—discpline, dig discipline, dis-dis-discipline, and

Up’n at’m Rhythmicc-of-Our-Days.
Our Days are of THIS Earth and of THIS Time.

So saying—truly, so thinking, too—Melannie, Dorrilo, the Gorner brothers, all the Troopiscule of Harl Earth-3.2 Commune of Planet m3Irigon marched into work, another Day on 40m3 new-begun.

Up’n at’m. 8 of Clk. We wash we wash we wash we wash—in chorus they sang, but silently since working—eyes on alert to every tablet surface, floor, that no Shred might invade, incur, chock-up a wall or silvlik surfanct of a workroom’s cube-space. The Boysies Squad makes, nest, entry into, sweeps and cleans by puri-chems all pipes, all airways. Robotis, guided by the Combot Corps in slick-paneled NetherBox 18, have scanned/are scanning/will scan every entrant, purify-Out any errant worker, remove all trace of Garbage.

For we must, or else all die.

Up UP now, up’n stretch’m. 9 of Clock. We stretch we move we breathe, we breathe

then we move we stretch—in chorus again they sing, though always after Cleaning Hour fewer. Workers open drawers, spray cabinets, pull eight necessities for Day’s Load, hunker. Work.

Up. Run ‘round Clock, sing, stretch, close desk. We race we breathe we move. 5 of the Clock. We wash our Selves, don Outer suits (which have been Cleaned (by Combot Corps) the while we, too, toiled), place our tools to Sterile Overnight, turn, sing.

We march.

5:15.3 of Clock. We Exit through the Porthole, march Outside. Here, do not sing.

But once, upon old Earth, lived air your own lungs
breathed without harm. No Harl virs, no m3 mol’culos, no fast-kill/slow-kill—only, instead,

a cool air we breathed, unthinking, clockless—there,
where, say our parents’ grandparents, we lived in
old Earth’s air,

there

Before it was lost, our First Home.

[324 words]

Nice subtle touch on that ending, C. Possible the story could use some tightening, but it's very well-constructed, nicely done!

Jeremy, I loved this story. Only, I wanted to stay in it longer; I'd have liked it to turn into a novella so could get to stay in that world and know it and your characters more. The ending was fine for the length but I was hoping for something more "within" the characters' felt/lived time-and-place experience. But maybe this is to demand more an historical than an sf fiction? (But I don't think so.) Anyhow, a lovely piece.

Fascinating story, Tom. Wonderful pacing, and you give a superb sense of a civilization's style and a carefully delineated moment scouring the psyche of "flying Dutchman"/"wandering Jew"/"ghost of the . . . "/alien-life-form protagonist. And a strong ending.

C., thanks for your review of my story--and for the work of reivewing so many stories this month!C. wrote: "C’s Cretaceous Critique Corner

URBAN DICTIONARY DEFINITION
Cretaceous
1. An ancient creature or person which should have been long dead.
2. A boring situation which one should have stopped persuei..."

Tom--I admire your thoughtful and perspicacious and honest reviews. They are wonderfully done.

Thanks for this kind comment, Tom!Tom wrote: "Thank you, so much, Paula for those excellently written and beautifully insightful reviews!"

Glad if my comment helped, Greg. Yeah, I can see where it must have a challenging story to write!Greg wrote: "Thanks for the critique, Paula. This one took a bunch of attempts and re-writes. Usually the characters take me where I needed to go, but this time the main character was a virus...

I'll change it..."

Very, very well deserved, Marianne. A superb story.

Andy, your critiques go so deeply and carefully into all of our stories--they are wonderful! You are an amazing reader. And yes--you are correct, the mirage of a "promised" vaccine is the rescue/savior part of my "Danli and David..." story--making the story bleak; hopefully the real-world outcome of the present pandemic will be far less bleak.
Again, Thank you for this critique (I'd not ever noticed that point re the sentence structuring and time, LOL.)
Andy wrote: "David and Danly, life’s meaning, and bats in a cabin wall by Paula
A bleak tale of growing isolation as successive SARS viruses emerge and strip us down, shattering dreams, giving the lie to the wi..."

Marianne wrote: "Thanks, Paula :)"
Thanks, Marianne.

C. wrote: "Thank you Paula for your inspired reviews.
You are like a treasure chest half buried on a beach strewn with empty bleach bottles and burnt-out ultraviolet light bulbs.
: )"
LOL. Thank you, C.

Here are the rest of my critiques of people's April stories.

Andy Lake, “Pandemic of the Apes”—what starts out like a frothy take-off that mixes the movie classic and boarding-school humor, expands to give--through carefully timed steps and naturalistic vignettes, along with a well-informed use of the warm-caring-bonobos trope--a sense of real expansion of human interconnection. A rather deep exploration of an unexpected rescue (and of human’s connection to other primates, as through that occasional neonatal hairiness).

Justin, “Alone in the Dark”—a quiet story of isolation, uncertainly, and eventual despair as the Normandy Station’s commander moves from puzzlement and fear for the station’s ships and crews to realization that an alien civilization has, not even intentionally, left her—or him?—in the position, beautifully framed by the author through the alien envoy's apologetic and accented speech, of “Last human are you. We protect…” Concise and strongly paced.

Chris, “Lost in Translation”—If the aliens of “Alone in the Dark” blundered into wiping out humanity, a much more systemic cultural blundering informs Chris’s alien explorers and “bringers of peace” to presumed-primitive worlds (the alien’s chatter about human gender forms is precisely pitched, and their ““Do not fear us, human. We are here to help. If I release you, will you promise not to scamper away?” is a perfect send-up). These "rescuers" are the bearers of a colonialism, with Earth’s people only one more victim. ("scamper"--perfect choice of word to inform us about its speaker and his/her/its cultural assumptions!)

Greg, “Message in a Bottle”—Interesting and fast-paced story, with lots of interesting conceptual corners! (One caveat, though--I had a question re the following two sentences: “Our spun sample’s DNA sequence was the same as the one from Earth and very differen[t] from the one infecting us. We quickly destroyed the damaged virus”; it was not clear to me which sample or virus was damaged; this made the rest of the story’s message virus a bit hard to follow.) --