C.B.’s Comments (group member since May 01, 2015)

C.B.’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

My suggestions:

- I think that the first sentence and a part of the second sentence could be combined to improve clarity.

ie. Mark wonders why God has placed him as the pastor of a small town church in a dead ministry with little hope of more than sustained monotony. When ext...

- An example of an extraordinary event would be useful at the end of sentence two. It would be a great opportunity to get us interested in what is going on. Are aliens abducting his flock or is he having problems with mobsters extorting him? Without reference it makes it hard to know if I would be personally interested in finding out.

- I am not really a fan of the last line. Not only is is passive, they way it is worded makes it almost sound as if it says 'then the plot happens'. Lines like that are dangerous as they answer questions, not ask them, and it gives readers less reason to read the book as you have provided a conclusion. I think you would be better off using a hook to try to get us interested in finding out the story for ourselves. It is easy enough to alter the line you have however and make it a hook.

With future concerns being displaced by Space Crocodiles with a thirst for revenge just surviving the day takes priority over future concerns for now. How will Mark pacify the Werewolf riots without unleashing Extract M upon everyone he is supposed to protect?

Hopefully that helps! ^_^

It could be entertaining! I think it really depends on the character.

Also I'm mad. Crazy mad! You'd think I was just giving away these electronics at the price you'll pay!

Come see CB at Mad CB's House of Discounted Electronics today before the men in white suits take me away!

You bugged me about my book when I was writing it. You NEEDED it.

You said you wanted to read it when I was editing it. You LONGED for it.

You showed up the day that printed copies finally came for my book. You BEGGED for it.

So I gave you my book, for free, and signed it and everything. You were so EXCITED for it.

It's been in your hands months now... Why haven't you even started to READ it yet?!

Christina wrote: "Check your local library/rec center/etc. We have a 3D printer in our local library and after taking a basic course to learn the basics, you can use the printer for the cost of materials (pennies pe..."

Wow. I want that library! (basically)

I have stumbled upon this site and knew I needed to share it here because it was so much fun.

This are a great little tool for creating a visual representation of characters. You can even pose them all sorts of ways, which maybe useful for an artistic reference.

As always, with something like this, they own the rights to everything, so either you would need permission to use something, or you can use it for inspiration, but not just slapping a screenshot onto your cover! ^-^

You could also order them and have your character in a mini! My writer's group is already starting a shipping minis together pool.

Hero Forge is just starting up and are adding options all the time. They just added mounts... which didn't seem to work, but still. Fun!

https://www.heroforge.com/

I start all my stories with a sound effect to help set the tone of the piece.
Zing! is what I used in my novels to emphasize that it is full of jokes, fast paced, and not too serious.
I don't think this would work for anyone else, so it's not really advice. I just wanted to be part of the conversation.

Dwayne wrote: "I do a lot of this in my work, especially in the humorous pieces... Luxurriott, Stor*Mart, Dairy Fairy, Happy Clown Burger, Chicken Dwarf... "

I am CB and I approve this message.

You should be fine most of the time. Technically you can always get a cease and desist order if the company feels up to it.

However, as it is normally a bad idea to remove free publicity from anywhere you can normally get away with saying that Batman was someone's favourite comic book character. I would avoid having Batman show up and mule kick an old woman in the face though, that's a bad plan. (unless she was selling drugs to minors!)

Side Note: If Disney owns it, I would probably avoid it regardless. They own a lot and they are more protective than most (and have the funds to back it up!)

Now here is a fun thing! ^-^

We are authors. We make so many things up all the time! Why not make up our own names for the Soda in our worlds? Who knows... there have been real world versions made of Buzz Cola, Slurm, Nuka-Cola, Duff, and many other made-up brands. Hello cross-product marketing opportunity!

Yep. It is settled. I want to see a version with the only background being the mecha-tanks and the city I see in that picture. No flags, no other buildings. I just hope the rest of picture is big enough to fill the space! :D use just stars if it isn't!

How big is that mecha-tank picture? I sort of want to see a version with just that as the background and not the rest of the blended in buildings. I think it would be more striking. Less would be more here I think.

I think you should move down the title just a smidge so it is further away from that golden horizon line. It would stand out better then.
Tightening up the leading there would also help.
Your name may be a bit hard to read as there is a lot going on behind there. If you can make the outer glow bigger / darker or decrease the saturation and contrast in the background image.

:)

I just found this.
www.heroforge.com

They have different outfit pieces under the different genres, so don't be scared to mix and match.

However, it is their property, so you could only reference it, but dang was it ever fun to play with!

Anthony wrote: "C.B. wrote: "V.M. wrote: "Its all good Anthony, I don't think any Canadians will mind;)"

I don't mind at all!"

That'll do for me!!

If there's trouble I'll just cease and desist and republish. I'..."

You've dealt with Canadian wrestlers before?

V.M. wrote: "Its all good Anthony, I don't think any Canadians will mind;)"

I don't mind at all!
Side Note: I am not Adam Copeland though.

Thank you Wendi. I quite like your rewrite!

Winifred wrote: "All good thoughts that I'm considering. But please, how can I fix grammar issues if you don't tell me what they are? What are the grammar issues?"

Here, I will find all that I can.

Sky has always hated school. - fine

Now he’s a junior if you count up the years but nowhere close to graduating. - There should be some commas here around the 'if you count up the years' (I believe). I am not really a fan of that wording though. Counting up the years, makes it read awkwardly. You said he was a junior you don't need the rest.

So Garett is his best friend because Garett has also wanted to be anywhere but at school. - Technically you can start a sentence with a Conjunction (so), but it often reads jarringly if it isn't in dialogue. A sentence organize would be useful here, so Garett's name isn't needed twice in one sentence.

Plus Garett has big dreams. - Conjunction starting a sentence.

“I sometimes have dreams too,” says Sky, “but they all take place on other planets.” - 'says' is technically a word. I don't hear it used unless the user is both talking to themselves and a grizzled old crazy prospector. The dialogue takes me out of the blurb as well.

Sky goes along with Garett’s dreams—until they’re spinning out of control, - I follow you to this point.

and so is the science fiction novel he’s writing in which he expresses feelings he could never say any other way: - you lost me here. Is Sky an aspiring writer, or is the book also spinning? I really don't know what is going on.

“What if there’s no one else like us?” - Who says this? Is the book talking ? If that what the book is about it shouldn't be in quotation marks.

If only he understood what was wrong with him, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. - Which he? Sky? There are thing wrong with him now? What are they?

Or maybe, somehow, if only he could be good enough for Julie . . . - I don't think you need both maybe and somehow, they are filling the same need in the sentence. Who is Julie? She wasn't mentioned until now. It makes the end confusing.

I hope this helps!

Dwayne wrote: "Now, you guys realize that the contest is really about when we will have four thousand members named Mark, right?"

We have members not named Mark?

Roodg’s Text Box: i GOT THIS 1! so PERFECT! u STAY BACK & SAVE YOUR CUTE MAGIC ELF BUTT OF HOLDING FOR LATER!

~ Roodg Scenerybane, stepping up

G.G. wrote: "Christina wrote: "G.G. wrote: "Bernard wrote: "13/23/15 23:45"

Hmm what is called the 13th month?"

Nocembuary ;p"

lol"

I thought it was Smarch.

And I guess:

11/11/2015 at 11:11