Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

Nick wrote: "As I am close to 600K words into the characters in my stories, I'm finding it hard to give enough background to make sense of what is going on in a short blurb."

It might help to remember the two key things a blurb needs.

1. Introduce the main character(s). - You have done that.
2. What is the main conflict? What is at stake? - I am not really seeing that.

There are other important things you can add to a blurb, but I believe these to be the most crucial elements.

Caitlyn wrote: "To the rest of the responders, I am new to commenting in this group, please advise if I was out of line."

No, you're fine. Some members here like to try to write up a blurb in order to help others. I refrain, usually. In this case, I don't understand enough about what the book is about to attempt a blurb. I'm not picking up on a plot or a theme or much of anything. I am not picking up on anything to work with with the characters. For example: Based on what Nick told me, Hannah is stalking John so she can shout at him. But why?

Nick wrote: "Hannah becomes Felicity. I won't go into details, as that would give away a lot of the story."

Then a better title might be in order. There's already several things in the blurb that are not connecting and to have a title that doesn't connect to anything in the blurb, it makes the whole work feel sloppy. You need to polish it.

Nick wrote: "I prefer not to give too much away in the blurb, as I feel people should not be told the whole of the story without even reading any of it."

A blurb should be roughly one hundred fifty words. A novel is significantly longer. You won't give away everything in the blurb, but give the reader enough to get them interested.

Nick wrote: "Well I am going to offer the book for free, so maybe you will give it a look to resolve your unanswered questions :-)"

I think you misunderstand. Too many vague disconnections in a blurb will make people not want to read your book. No one will pick up your book, free or otherwise, if they aren't interested in the blurb. A good blurb should be intriguing, not confusing.

It's not bad. It might intrigue me enough to open the book. Just a few minor things...

So, is there no one named Felicity in the book?
Hannah ambushes John... I think I know what you mean, but on the first reading, having no knowledge of John or Hannah or what their relationship is, I assumed she mugged him, kidnapped him, etc. Might help to make it clearer what actually transpired.
I don't know what an alien AI brain-mate is. But, I don't read a lot of science fiction. Maybe your target audience will get it.
Just an opinion, but I think everyone lives by their own moral code.
Like the problem I had with ambush, it's unclear what you mean by John's interactions with girls are out of control.

Look. I'm a parrot. "It's too orange. Brawk. More color. Brawk." I'll add it needs more contrast, too. The boat kinda fades into the rest of the picture. You want it to stand out clear.

Ken, I have to delete your last post as it contains a link. However, I copied it into this post.

I appreciate the great detail you've all given me.

"Breaking the fourth wall ... takes the reader out of your story if the character knows it's a story,"

I would generally agree with this, but I would have also thought that you couldn't write an effective novel in second person , until I read the hugo winning The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin.

That said, what you describe is not how I'm using it. Gwen doesn't know she's in a story, instead she talks to the reader as if they were in the story with her. For example, at one point she says "remind me not to do that again" after hitting her friend Peter because it was like hitting a brick wall. Then, some chapters later, when she does do it again, she says something like "some help you were."

"Yes, a heavily narrated story can be done successfully—especially in YA, but you might want to ask for reaction to the first 500 words, to see if it works in this case. "

I can do better than that. I gave it to Kirkus who gave it a rare GET IT Verdict, normally only attached to their starred reviews, and who said "Gwen narrates the story in first person, and her chatty, incisive voice quickly enthralls the reader."

Midwest Book Review gave it a MUST READ Recommendation and said, "Get ready to be swept away by Gwen's unique voice and her extraordinary journey."

Reedsy Discovery also gave it MUST READ Recommendations, and it's gotten a slew of other five-star reviews...including one from a reviewer who said she'd been reviewing books for seven years and this was one of the best books to have ever crossed her desk.

So, can we start with the premise that the book works as is, broken (or bent) fourth wall and all, as I feel like a lot of your criticism of the blurb seems to come from the belief that the traits I'm trying to encapsulate couldn't possibly work. And given the focus the reviews have had about the quality of Gwen's voice and the way she tells the story, I think my belief that it's a vital and important part of what makes the book what it is has been validated as well.

Secondly, I'm not actually convinced that brevity is the soul of wit for two reaons:

1) At my book signings I have watched people read the blurb that's currently on the back of the book (which is more or less the original Gwen has a problem one) , and they smile and laugh as they were doing so, then open and buy the book. Also got some laughs from my table of contents, but that's another story.

2) I just pulled the blurb for "Love and Gelato" a NYT Best Seller that my daughter described as my book written in an alternate universe. They're not really the same at all, but they share the same tone and have parallel yet different stories.

In any case this is her blurb:

A summer in Italy turns into a road trip across Tuscany in this sweeping debut novel filled with romance, mystery, and adventure.

Lina is spending the summer in Tuscany, but she isn't in the mood for Italy's famous sunshine and fairy-tale landscape. She's only there because it was her mother's dying wish that she get to know her father. But what kind of father isn't around for 16 years? All Lina wants to do is get back home.

But then Lina is given a journal that her mom had kept when she lived in Italy. Suddenly Lina's uncovering a magical world of secret romances, art, and hidden bakeries. A world that inspires Lina, along with the ever-so-charming Ren, to follow in her mother's footsteps and unearth a secret that has been kept from Lina for far too long. It's a secret that will change everything she knew about her mother, her father - and even herself.

People come to Italy for love and gelato, someone tells her, but sometimes they discover much more.

What is your reactions to this one?

Ken wrote: "The fact that it's narrated by Gwen is key to that, particularly as she often breaks the fourth wall, talking directly to the reader. At one point, for example, she says "remind me not to do that again" and later, when she does do it again, she accuses the reader of being no help at all. And there's a chapter which consists entirely of: "Go away. Can't you go read some other book for a while? I'm busy here.""

I don't see it necessary to spell all that out in the blurb. The blurb should encourage people to open the book. Giving us a third person description of what Gwen's narration is like isn't interesting. Get the reader to open the book. They'll see what the narration is like when they look at the first page.

I've been rereading "Catcher in the Rye". A lot of the charm of that book is the way Holden narrates the story. Yet, it's not necessary for the blurb to tell us Holden is an opinionated cynic who often breaks the fourth wall. Showing is better than telling. Don't tell us what your narrator is like. Let us open the book so you can show us.

Ken wrote: "An Otherwise Perfect Plan is a contemporary coming-of-age story narrated by Gwen, a quirky teenage girl who infuses it with sarcasm, hyperbole, and wild flights of fancy, all as she tries to make sense of her life with a single mom working two soul-crushing jobs, dysfunctional high school teachers, and her unruly emotions with a mind of their own."

Long-winded and superfluous. I'd drop it. The second paragraph does a much better job at setting up the situation. This is just a lot of fluff.

Sherrie wrote: "Instead of joining the conversation, I'm going to try to sell you my book! Here is a link!"

Nope, nope, nope.

The inhabitants of Mordeland are oblivious to the imminent unravelling of the timeline. Boy howdy. I hate when that happens. Then you have to get your timeline knitting needles out and... oh, sorry Levinial, a Time Weaver chosen by the gods, bears the responsibility of preventing the looming disaster. Ah. A loom instead of knitting needles. Cool. No, really, So, the gods aren't powerful enough to deal with whatever is going on? Or is Levinial a god? His investigations reveal Brylee, a figure seemingly as ordinary I'm getting lost. I don't even know what constitutes as an ordinary figure in the real world, let alone a fictional world I am not familiar with as she is consequential huh? , may be the source of the catastrophe. I would guess that ordinary figures don't often cause catastrophes.

With tenacity, intellect, and a dash of frowned-upon magic, Brylee managed to thrive in a male-dominated world. Then the revelation of her hidden charmer magic brings her world crashing down around her. Compelled to forsake all she holds dear for her own safety and that of her family, Brylee is drawn into a relentless pursuit of the Red Assassin. At this point I'm hopelessly lost. There's a lot being thrown at me and I haven't gotten my heels set in yet from the first paragraph. Who is frowning on Brylee's magic and why does it matter? What is hidden charmer magic? What does she hold dear? Why is her family in danger? Who is the Red Assassin? Remember, this story makes sense in your mind. You have to explain it to new readers as if they haven't even read a word of your book, yet. Despite her deep-seated shame over her charmer abilities, can she survive without harnessing it? What is she trying to survive? Being ashamed?

Gideon WHO? is driven to prove that charmers, shunned by society for their magical abilities, can play an essential role as healers. So, they heal people, but no one ever notices? Consumed by an obsession to validate his beliefs, he inadvertently ignites a calamity. Klutz Upon uncovering an ability to control time, an insatiable hunger to correct past mistakes requires that he obtain a new source of power. Vague and meaningless to anyone who doesn't already know who Gideon is, what his past mistakes are, what kind of power he needs...

Bound together by extraordinary circumstances, these characters begin an inexorable journey that forces them to confront the depths of their inner conflicts. In the shadow of impending annihilation, Mordeland's survival teeters on the precipice, dependent on choices they find themselves ill-equipped to make Uh huh. By now we get that there's some sort of looming disaster and these three characters are supposed to stop it somehow. Aside from that? I have no idea what's going on.

Seems you have made a common mistake in wanting to pack your blurb with all kinds of things you feel make your story exciting. And you may be right. This is probably all exciting when you get into the story. However, it's too much information for a blurb. Focus primarily on one character or situation. Slow down and explain it. What you have probably feels exciting and interesting to you, but to a potential reader it's little more than vague list of what happens in the book. Try to give a reason to either root for your character or empathize or at least give us a reason they're interesting.

Geoffrey wrote: "blah blah blah"

Not a big fan of following rules, I see. You even went so far as to post this thing in the same folder as the rules. This isn't the place to sell your book, no matter what the price. Stop.

Waldhar wrote: "Hello all..."

Not the place for this kind of comment, Walter. Find another group to beg in, please.

B.A. wrote: "You know I'm always good with reading your stuff. Not my normal genre but is sounds very interesting and I've been wanting to read it for a while. I'll be honest on it and the warnings are needed f..."

I found an email address for you in our earlier correspondence and sent the book off. Thanks again for your help!

B.A. wrote: "You know I'm always good with reading your stuff. Not my normal genre but is sounds very interesting and I've been wanting to read it for a while. I'll be honest on it and the warnings are needed f..."

Thank you, B.A. I'd love to have you take a look at it. You were a big help when I wrote "Diary of a Dairy Fairy". I'll see if I still have your email address and send you a copy of this probably later today or tomorrow. Thanks again!

Howdy folks.

I'm taking a break from the novel I've been working on for a while. If you've been in this group for more than a few months, you may have seen me post about it here and there under various titles I've tried out, such as "Fairy Tale Village".

Right now I'm calling it "CReePS Book I: The Strange Case of Nellie Olsen".

I feel like it's close to ready for publication, but cannot be sure until I get a few more sets of eyes on it.

I call it a paranormal adventure, but it's a bit of horror, mystery, fantasy, comedy, etc. It's got a bit of everything.

I don't usually do trigger warnings on stuff, but I'll warn there is some profanity, violence, sexual discussion, and mentions of rape and child molestation. There's also some magicky and (obviously) supernatural stuff here and there if that kind of thing bothers you.

To give a brief summery of the story:

CReePS is a team of paranormal investigators who learn about a woman who claims to be haunted by something that resembles a scarecrow.

Questions, you can ask here. If you're interested in being a beta reader, I can email you the story in a few days. Don't post your email address here. Send it to me via a message.

Thanks for your time.

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The biggest struggles I have these days are finding time to write and when I do have time keeping my focus on the writing. A lot of the problem is I'm on the same work in progress I've been on for a very long time. It was getting so long and complicated, I split into three books, thinking that would make it easier to manage, but now I'm dealing with putting an ending on the first book that doesn't feel like a cliffhanger, that ties up the first book nicely, and only drops a few small hints as to what is coming in the next books. It's been a challenge. When the first book is out, I may take a break and work on something else for a little while before coming back to book two. We'll see.

I went indie because it seems publishers aren't eager anymore to publish stuff that's a bit "out there". They seem to like books that are formulaic and fit neatly into certain genres. I don't really writing that way. I like the freedom to let my books be what they want to be rather than forcing them to fit into pigeonholes.

Deleted a comment due to a link. Please keep the rules of the group in mind when posting. Thanks.

Mfonemana wrote: "Wel..."

No. This is spam and not allowed.