Erin Khar

“What was it with me? It was getting to the point where whenever a man was actually nice to me, actually showed that he cared, I felt angry. I was convinced that it was a trick, a sham—or that they were only in love with some fake Erin. I was so scared that when they saw the real one, they’d laugh and take back everything they said. It was so much easier to only allow the concept of love in when it felt far away, when it felt impossible. The second it was right in front of me, I felt compelled to push it away and look for it somewhere else. It was a lie that I didn’t want it; I wanted to be loved. But losing it was so much more painful than running away from it, or so I’d convinced myself. My reaction to love had become a compulsion. The intoxication of withholding was too strong. I wanted, I needed that control.”
― Erin Khar, Strung Out: A Memoir of Overcoming Addiction – A NYT Reviewed Nonfiction Book of Resilience and Recovery