Alison’s answer to “I listened to 2 of your talks recorded from the survivorship.org 2017 conference. In one talk you …” > Likes and Comments
Like
I am at the beginning of my process in consideration to learning about dissociation and how it effects me. I remember remarkably much of the abuse which i know also from other people who were aroudn at the time, that it started at least when i was 2 years old and the memories from the were like as if it had always been like that. I remember enough from the past, I dont really have the need to know mor gory details. But my biggest problem is 1) that i remember very little of the present.... I seem to be "all there" and have a meaningful talk with someone (which the otherone later on says he/she appreciated,) and when i come home i can remember that i had a good time, but i have no idea who i tlaked to or what was said.... some times it comes up in the memory agai several dayslater, of if i meet the person again and they give me tags or reminding words. And i have bad concept of time.. i dont know if it has go a day or a week since so and so happened. And i remember only chuncks also of the abuse.. chunchs are gone. The memory problem consequenses that i dont dare have a job, i dont dare trust myself i dont dare meet people because i dont want to offend them by not remembering what happened last. I write down alot but of course not everything always. The next worst thing is i ONLY remember the abuse, I dont remember that anithing good happened during childhood, which ther certainly must have because i am a decent compassionate individual. ABout the abuse i know it happened to several children at the same time that were from new born til 16 from memories when I \ i was 8 I know it was sexual/physical abuse with religion and i know they used drugs. and used loud sound and the abuse of other for coherision to do sexual acts for them and used abusing other kids to punish us for our "own" mistakes. So quite bad. I struggle alot with guilt which some logic insiders understand i should not have, but others want to kill me for it. I suffer from instructions to self harm that i dont knwo where come from but it is hard as anithing to prevent. i suffer from command sof isolation that i dont understand but if i dont obey the guilt almost sends me off a bridge so i have to do something i have gon to therapy but they all say you are so intelligen to we dont undstand why we cant fix you. Where to start. I want to feel free to makes plans but alot of stuff comes in the way. I have gone to a stabilization course so know and use alot of groundings. so i manage to survive eache day and week and month.. but need to be able to do more. Trauma therapists in my choundry mostly do stabilization. and seem to stop there... as far as I understand. What to do? thank ou for the youtube stuff you have put out. Sorry for spellig am not english... Do you yourself do therapy any more? Thank you so much for this page.
back to top
date
newest »
newest »
message 1:
by
KRISTIN
(new)
May 24, 2019 06:43AM
I am at the beginning of my process in consideration to learning about dissociation and how it effects me. I remember remarkably much of the abuse which i know also from other people who were aroudn at the time, that it started at least when i was 2 years old and the memories from the were like as if it had always been like that. I remember enough from the past, I dont really have the need to know mor gory details. But my biggest problem is 1) that i remember very little of the present.... I seem to be "all there" and have a meaningful talk with someone (which the otherone later on says he/she appreciated,) and when i come home i can remember that i had a good time, but i have no idea who i tlaked to or what was said.... some times it comes up in the memory agai several dayslater, of if i meet the person again and they give me tags or reminding words. And i have bad concept of time.. i dont know if it has go a day or a week since so and so happened. And i remember only chuncks also of the abuse.. chunchs are gone. The memory problem consequenses that i dont dare have a job, i dont dare trust myself i dont dare meet people because i dont want to offend them by not remembering what happened last. I write down alot but of course not everything always. The next worst thing is i ONLY remember the abuse, I dont remember that anithing good happened during childhood, which ther certainly must have because i am a decent compassionate individual. ABout the abuse i know it happened to several children at the same time that were from new born til 16 from memories when I \ i was 8 I know it was sexual/physical abuse with religion and i know they used drugs. and used loud sound and the abuse of other for coherision to do sexual acts for them and used abusing other kids to punish us for our "own" mistakes. So quite bad. I struggle alot with guilt which some logic insiders understand i should not have, but others want to kill me for it. I suffer from instructions to self harm that i dont knwo where come from but it is hard as anithing to prevent. i suffer from command sof isolation that i dont understand but if i dont obey the guilt almost sends me off a bridge so i have to do something i have gon to therapy but they all say you are so intelligen to we dont undstand why we cant fix you. Where to start. I want to feel free to makes plans but alot of stuff comes in the way. I have gone to a stabilization course so know and use alot of groundings. so i manage to survive eache day and week and month.. but need to be able to do more. Trauma therapists in my choundry mostly do stabilization. and seem to stop there... as far as I understand. What to do? thank ou for the youtube stuff you have put out. Sorry for spellig am not english... Do you yourself do therapy any more? Thank you so much for this page.
reply
|
flag
