Why do we only understand some relationships after they end? > Likes and Comments

I’ve been thinking about this a lot…

Sometimes you don’t fully understand what you were going through until you step out of it.

While you’re inside, everything feels confusing but “normal” at the same time.

Then later, you look back and realize how much you were tolerating or questioning yourself.

I’m curious if others have experienced this —
did understanding come during the relationship, or only after it ended?

For me, learning about these patterns changed everything, and I even ended up writing about it.

Sometimes, we can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. It's one of the most bittersweet lessons we will ever learn throughout our lives. Humans are fallible, with even the most powerful of connections capable of cracking. I had to learn the hard way that sometimes promises aren't forever, and ultimately the only true person I can rely on is myself.

I still talk to my beloved, however the complications of our relationship have done just that - complicated "us." We are and will never be the same as before, and I have to radically accept that the prior vision I held of a future together was only a mere dream.

I know during my horrific breakup I wrote some of my most raw poetry and painted extremely emotional works of art; to experience the horrific effect of heartbreak is to accept all tragedy in life.

Perhaps distance changes our role from being a participant in the relationship to becoming its witness.

In Business Yoga, I describe Drishta as the ability to observe without attachment or judgment. While we are inside a relationship, emotions, expectations, and shared history can make certain patterns feel normal. Only after stepping away may we see them with greater clarity. This also reflects Pratyahara, the art of consciously letting go. Letting go does not mean that the relationship had no value, nor must it involve blame. Sometimes it creates the inner space needed to understand what the relationship taught us, forgive where possible, and move forward with greater awareness.

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments.

Eira, you say everything is "normal yet confusing" within the relationship. Do you think every new relationship helps us create new version of ourselves, " new normal", and things might well feel confusing until (and if), deep connection is achieved..?

Eclipse, I hear you!! the most emotional, raw, and eternal works of art seem to have been created by bleeding hearts ( Eric Satie, Van Gogh, Leo Tolstoy etc etc).. seems like you've followed suit :)
Do you think it is possible that many of " horrific break ups" are actually avoidable..? and relationship that survives a volcano eruption, so to speak, could be much stronger and beautiful for it. To give a well known example, King Charles married another woman and had two children with her (!) , a full break up of sorts... and yet ended up with his first love, after all ( Queen Camilla).

Dear Anil,

letting go is an art?? I admire you seeing beauty within "suffering of break up", however, if the suffering IS beautiful, then it is still love, and perhaps a pause is what's required- not necessarily a break up? :) If it never was a true love, than break up is not pretty at all, in my experience.

Jasmine