John Cheese

[close] Best friend of David Wong. John is in his early 20's and we don't get much of a physical description of him in the book. He is a singer in a band called Three-arm Sally.

David and John met in high school, in a computer class. John was kicked out of the class for making an ASCII picture of a vagina.

He lives alone in an apartment, which is usually a mess, and he's frequently seen either drunk or high. He will never turn down a chance to try a new drug, and he has a hard time holding down a job. Though he knows how to drive, John is not very smart. He is a compulsive liar, mostly to inflate his own appearance, and his sense of humor consists almost entirely of dick jokes. Nevertheless, he is apparently very charismatic, as he has had many, many girlfriends, most of whom were incredibly hot.

John's irresponsible and an idiot, but his heart seems to be in the right place. For example, about Amy Sullivan, who is missing her left hand: "John never once described [her] as, ‘the girl with the missing hand.’" (says David Wong, p. 232 of the ebook).