Where it is important to understand where your anger comes from...

It is a sad fact of life that I do not know if my ex wife was buried or not or if she was where her grave might be located. It's not as if I am raising our child by myself and that he might want to visit or something...oh ya...it is exactly that. Whatever divorces are tough on families and relationships and sometimes you just have to walk away and not deal with certain people because it just isn't healthy and no where near productive. Why people let hurt feelings interfere with what is best for a 10 year old boy who has already lost his mother is fucking beyond me. However, there is not much I can do about that at the moment. While it has a certain therapy value for him to visit his mother's grave that is not the only way I have to help him preserve the memory of his mother...and no that is not a very pleasant task for me given all that she did to really just be a bitch.

In the course of attempting to locate said grave...I had a conversation with my ex-wife's best friend. We are still friends on social media and talk occasionally. Which begs the question if I really was all to blame for everything that went wrong...If I was the devil my Mother's asshole fuck of a husband portrays me as...If this entire fucking mess was on me who else besides her best friend would not only think that but be one of the first people to tell me so? Its called logic, and there is precious little to be found of that in any of this fucking mess.

While it is true that I really don't care what most people think of me...there are a few exceptions to that most notably what the father of the girl I happen to be involved with thinks of me and what her best friend thinks of me. That is pretty much it and I have found when I do the right things for the right reasons those two opinions take care of themselves.

Am I saying I always do the right things for the right reasons? No, of course not. I have made a lot of mistakes, sorry life didn't come with an instruction book. However, I do learn from my mistakes and try not to make them repeatedly...except for the really fun ones I tend to make those mistakes over and over. With that being said I try and take the consequences for my mistakes in stride and try not to fall into the why me trap? Why me? Well because on occasion I have really fucked up...and that has hurt my relationships, my standing in the community, and my reputation. I am ok with all of that, and when an ex girlfriend's father comes to my house and shakes my hand at the very least I know that while it didn't work out...I handled myself in the way that I should. That is enough for me...because all to often in the past I have not...but you see I learned from my mistakes...as a parent myself it is all I can hope for from my own kid. I know he is gonna screw up and hopefully he learns from those screw ups and doesn't make the same mistakes over and over again.

Which brings me to my own non relationship with my mother. Who constantly lets her husbands feelings about me take away from what it actually happening. To him I am the devil...I am the troubled 15 year old kid I was way back in 1991. He does not let her see the growth I have had as a man, as a father, and as a part of my community. That's fine...he doesn't like me...there isn't a heck of a lot I can do about that. However, when he continually acts as a barrier between the relationship between me and my mother one can start to see why I have a lot of anger directed at him. Again...logic...I think it is pretty silly that they as a married unit think they can have a relationship with my son...without attempting to have one with me. Think about how little sense that makes...does anything about me lead anyone to think that my son is not the most important thing to me and that I am not going to let them do to him what they have done to me?

I could make a laundry list of reasons why my mother and her husband do not have a relationship with me. In no particular order of importance:

1. They are friends with the person who my ex-wife cheated with and who interfered with my marriage
2. They went out of their way to embarrass me in front of my baseball team, my baseball kids, my baseball parents, and my baseball league.
3. I dated and was involved with my ex-girlfriend for damn near three years and they never met her once...yet they went with my son, my ex-wife, and her new boyfriend to see Santa last year.

I could go on...but what is the point? Logically speaking they give me no reason to pursue a relationship with them...and as much as that sucks and as much as that hurts my kid...what am I really suppose to do? Beyond all of that there is a far larger reason for my anger towards him...my reluctance to have any sort of relationship with either one of them.

They have been involved with each other since I was 12 or so. While they did not get married until after I was an adult...this selfish asshole took my Mother away from way back then. I do not mean that in a whiny on no my mom shouldn't date kind of way. He made his feelings quite known that he did not want nay part of being a parental figure to me. That is fine, as a divorced guy I get it, but he made it himself a barrier between my mother and I since I was 12. How unfair is that? Well for me a kid who was growing up without a father already...it was about the worse sin anyone could inflict upon me. There is no way to forgive that, and I don't see anyway or really care to get past that. Especially when there is not effort on his part or on my mother's part to even understand why I don't particularly care for him or want him in my life or to be around my kid.

If that makes me an angry guy so be it. Sometimes anger is justified...and that is not to say I have always dealt with my feelings in a productive way.

Live journal cheaper than therapy.