Siblings: Can’t Live with Them, Can’t Live Without Them
If you don’t have any siblings, or if you’ve never got along with them, then you probably won’t fully appreciate this blog post. But if you do have them, and you’re friends, get prepared to feel sucky.
I decided to write this post after dropping my older brother off at the train station so that he could go home…to his home…not OUR home.
You see, back when we were kids, my brother, my sister and myself were best friends. In fact, we still are. I tell them everything. We share stories, ask one another for advice and are pretty much interested in the same things. We fight but we always make up. That bond is unbreakable, at least that’s how it used to feel.
When we were younger, we would play in the garden or down by the lake near our house, or out with friends. We’d get dirty, hurt ourselves, play pranks and laugh until our stomachs hurt. For a time, it seemed like there wouldn’t be anything else. That this was life. That we would always have fun, feel immortal and take on the world together…
But we’re older now. My “little” sister isn’t so little anymore. My older brother feels leagues away. He moved out in October, and for a long time I didn’t want to accept it. Being the person that I am, I got emotional and felt like I couldn’t go everyday without seeing him. But when he did leave, I got used to it faster than I thought I would. Perhaps it’s because I have things going on in my life, too, but I just accepted it.
Like I said, it was only when we dropped him off at the train station, and we just watched him walk away without a proper goodbye, that I felt a sudden sickly feeling. I sat back in my seat and all the laughter that he had brought with him suddenly slipped away. I felt empty. And so I began crying – trying to do so quietly so that my mother wouldn’t notice.
When did he stop living with us? Since when was his home in another city? How is that the norm now? How are our worlds so very different now? How did this happen?
My best friend isn’t in the other room anymore. I can’t think of a story idea or something nerdy and go across the room to tell him. We can’t sit in the same room, barely talking, but feeling better than being alone anymore.
I know what you’re thinking. If I miss him, visit. If I have something to say, call him. If only it were that simple. Think about it, those things aren’t the same. They are forced time; appointments; scheduled fun. They’re not the natural, easy-accessible love that we used to share. I have to go far and spend money to see him now. I can’t just say something stupid and then be quiet, like I could if we were in the same house, instead a phone call feels forced; like I have to keep the conversation going even when I have nothing to say.
I guess what I miss is his presence. Selfishly, I want him to just be there. There for me to see, and laugh with and love whenever I want. Yes, this is what I want and it’s sad that it’s suddenly gone. I didn’t feel prepared for it, even though we’re at that age.
He probably feels like I don’t miss him, but little does he know that I miss him everyday. With every time I’m sat alone at home. With every time I have a joke to say that only he would get. How could I not miss my best friend?
Next will be my sister. Either I’ll move out or she will. Either way, it’s the inevitable.
Siblings are raised together, then they grow apart. They spend more time together than any other relationship, and have a connection that’s unmatched – at least that was the case with mine. I’m grateful for my upbringing, and I’m so very grateful that I am such good friends with my siblings. But I do admit to the pain of this reality. The reality that our relationship will grow weaker and weaker as we continue to grow as individuals.
When we get our own homes, our own families and travel this amazing world, we’ll part. I’d never hold them back, and they would never do the same to me. We’re all ambitious people, so I know that we’ll grow so much that people will get left behind. Hopefully, I won’t become one of those people.
Love your siblings, guys. They’re so great. I know that I’ve been quite sad in this post, but of course I do understand that this is how life goes. That yes we’ll grow but we’ll always be there for one another. Hopefully you understand that, too. But the sadness I’m feeling is a good thing, for it proves that I did have a great past with them, and that I love them both so very deeply. And I always will.
~ Damsel
