Why?

For 31 years, my husband hid a dark secret: he killed a man in self-defense on a moonless night in the wee hours of a hot July morning. After he was indicted and tried for first degree murder more than three decades after the incident, for the last 20 years of his life he struggled to submerge the stained memories in the deep recesses of his mind. Why, then, after his death, did I reopen the darkest days of his life through a book about his life and historic trial? Five months have passed since the publication of A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE: Redemption of a hometown hero, Bobby Hoppe, and I sometimes still ask myself that question.

The first time the doubt struck me like a searing laser was the night I returned home from the initial book signing—held in Chattanooga, Tennessee, where Bobby had been a hometown hero. That night, people stood in line as much as an hour and a half to buy the book and have it signed. Many had personal stories to share about the impact Bobby had made on their lives, lifting my spirits. But, when the euphoria of the evening faded and I returned home, as I walked into my bedroom, my eyes lingered on the urn holding my husband’s ashes. Overwhelmed by grief from my loss and guilt for unveiling the past, with tears in my eyes, I murmured, “Dear God, Bobby, what have I done?”

As the publicity continued to mount, including reviews in publications across the southeast, as well as in USA Today and ESPN Magazine, I rode the wave of excitement and tried to push away the haunting question. But it will not fade. Because not only I, but others, ask, “Why,” I am using this blog to respond. Today, I provide the first reason:

Bobby wore a mask engineered by his high school football coach after losing five teeth in his first game and two in his next outing on the gridiron. Consequently, he became known as “the man behind the mask.” After he killed Don Hudson and no one knew, he donned another mask, this one invisible. To many people, Bobby appeared somber and stoic—and, much of the time he was that way because of his troubled conscience. But, somewhere deep inside him still lived the playful rascal he had been before the tragic incident. When he was with people he liked and trusted, the “other Bobby” came out, and he once again became a fun-loving guy who could make you laugh until your jaws ached. One of the reasons I decided to tell Bobby’s story in A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE was to reveal the man behind the mask—the wonderful, crazy guy I loved who was not only funny but also kind, generous, and compassionate.

In many ways, this first reason I share is far from being the most significant motivation, but it was important to me that people who knew only part of Bobby be exposed to the whole person.

The next blog entry will focus on who Bobby really was and the impact his actions had on his life and on others.
A Matter of Conscience Redemption of a Hometown Hero, Bobby Hoppe by Sherry L. Hoppe Sherry L. Hoppe
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Published on February 26, 2011 13:03 Tags: conscience, guilt
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