Where we talk about the final dinner...

The past 12 months have been the most difficult 12 months of my entire life. Some of those difficulties were self inflicted and I have to take full responsibility for them. A lot of them were circumstances brought on from ending one phase of my life while beginning to build the next. In fact I spent this day one year ago doing exactly that. Trying to put aside some hard feelings, an adversarial relationship and strengthen the relationship that meant a lot to me and the one I really wanted to work out. I had already invested a lot of time and effort into that relationship and this was the next step toward us becoming something more. Events outside of my control would wreck all of those plans and force me to refocus my life on the only thing that matters...my son.

Those are the things I would struggle with after this day. However, this day became very important because it was the last time I or my son would see my ex-wife alive. It was also one of the only times in the 12 months prior to this day that my ex and I got along and were not arguing or fighting with each other.

I was with her for 10 years. We had a child together. And to be very frank this is one of my favorite memories of her. I guess that speaks to the real messed up time we had together and all of the problems and issues we dealt with during our time together.

I met her at not my favorite eatery to swap out the kid. She had had him for the entire week as it was mid winter break. I had spent the week working and hanging out with the girl I was dating at the time. I had spent the day watching the Daytona 500 with her father because that is what good boyfriends do. They put some time in not with the girl's family and what not. It was a little uncomfortable for me but a shared loved of racing made the day a heck of a lot easier.

So i meet the ex, we have a bite to eat and she gives me a crock pot. She was always doing weird stuff like this...and I never really understood why but she would get things and give them to me saying they were for us...she had given each of us really odd Christmas presents too...it never occurred to me to get my ex-wife a Christmas gift and I still don't really understand why she did stuff like this. Since I do not have a very positive image of her then and even now I suspect these things had some evil ulterior motive. Whatever.

As we were getting ready to leave I made sure my son hugged her and told her he loved her. I had no idea at the time this would be the last time we would see her alive. I saw her body once after she passed but due to some legal issues my son never got that chance. By the time of her memorial she had been cremated.

When I think about all the bullshit that we put each other through. All the bullshit I have had to deal with since she died. I find myself thinking about this moment. That at the very least we had one last dinner together as a family. One dinner were there wasn't a lot of tension. Even though she did ask me what the deal with the girlfriend was, and I am sure my answer pissed her off. Since at the time we were discussing and I suppose planning her move to my house to live with my son and I.

Of course circumstances, and not in any small part to her dying, led to that not happening. And to be very honest I have some bitter feelings about that. My ex-wife had been a big part of my new relationship not working out and that became more of an issue after she passed away. It isn't fair, it totally sucks, but life isn't fair and dealing with sucky shit is part of being an adult...one of the main reasons I avoid being an adult as much as I can.