Why look at the fake diamond when you`re holding a real one in your hand?

When I was little, I used to admire a lot people who seemed confident in themselves. There was something about them. The way they did things, the way they carried themselves, the way they dealt with life and other people…All this was fascinating for me and I said to myself that when I will become an adult I will be like these people. It seemed that even as a little girl, I had enough confidence in myself when it came about doing new things or whenever I was curious/intrigued about something. I would follow that thread blindly until my curiosity was satisfied. And yet, somehow I would lose this confidence if in some way, I was in the spotlight, whenever people would look at me and whenever had to talk to them or speak my mind. The fact that I couldn’t speak clearly and confidently in front of them was driving me mad every time. I knew I had something good to say; I knew I had something interesting to say, I knew it! And yet, once in front of them, I would get so emotional and it was like words ran away from me. This determined me to want to go in depth and find out more about it as it was bugging me. I had to research. I wanted to. And I started. At first, because I was still in my comfort zone, I would still avoid being in the center of attention, and I would also avoid sharing my thoughts and ideas but little did I know that soon all of it will change.

Of course, I was still small when all this happened but if it`s one thing I am amazed of and grateful for at the same time, it`s the fact that even being small, I somehow had the awareness to observe all this about myself, observe what was going on around me. For this, I am truly grateful as it was the first step I took toward the journey of discovering who I really am. And boy!, what a journey! And the best part is that this journey has no end. It`s a continuous process that happens over lifetimes and one needs many, many lives to get to know themselves; they also need to go through as many experiences as possible.

I remember the first time I felt really confident in myself. I was in the third grade and back then (even as today) one of my favorite topics was Literature. Our teacher would give us a title and we, the pupils, had to create a story around that title. I don’t know what I enjoyed most when writing that story: the feeling that I am creating a story of my own or the joy when seeing how creativity flew through me.

But one thing was sure: I loved to sit at the writing table and pour my imagination onto that sheet of paper. While writing, something else was happening, too: I was discovering another part of me, a part that I would only have access to through writing.

Good Lord!, how I loved that part! How I loved to discover more and more of it just as when someone comes across a mystery and they don’t rest or find peace until they don’t solve that mystery! I loved it how through this bridge called writing I could go to the other side and see the image of who I really am. This made me bold. This made me confident as what I was seeing about myself gave me confidence because the curtain had fallen: what I knew (mentally) about myself wasn’t true. What I thought I knew  was a mere image that my mind had projected about myself. It wasn’t true, it wasn’t real. Everything was just an illusion created by the mind. Now I was discovering something else, something that would make me feel confident and trust myself for the old image wasn’t present anymore. I said to myself that if this is who I really am, why not bring this into my day to day life as well? I mean, if a person holds in one hand a fake diamond and a real one in their other hand, why look at the fake (the mental image, in our case) and not at the real diamond (the soul)?

Isn’t this what`s worthwhile? It is if you ask me.

Then, the next step followed. Our teacher asked us who wants to read their stories. Not so many children raised their hand as they were clearly terrified of the idea that the stories they wrote are silly and everybody else will laugh and make fun of them. But some did raise the hand, myself included. Two of my colleagues read their works before me, and then my turn came. God, I was so excited, I can still remember even today how my heart raced while having all those eyes on me. I stood up and walked in front of the classroom, holding in my hands the sheet that contained my very first wordily creation. I was only 9 years old but I will remember that moment for the rest of my life. I started reading the story and the more I did so, I could feel how the restlessness and nervousness faded away; the more I was reading, the more I gathered courage to look my colleagues in the eye and stand tall in front of them; the more I was reading, the more I experienced a feeling of “returning home”, of returning to a familiar place where my roots are and that nothing can bring me down, not even the piercing glares of my colleagues. I felt alive while reading; I felt free, I felt bold and courageous, and most importantly, I felt confident. I felt like a captain who is in charge of his own ship and he gives the commands. I experienced all this for the few minutes I stood in front of the classroom. The story came to an end and I had to go back to my seat and I remember the teacher saying, Now that was quite a story!

I smiled. I was happy that my teacher and colleagues liked it. After all, it was for them I wrote it for. My own satisfaction came in another form: I wasn’t the same anymore. Before writing and reading the story afterward, in front of the classroom, I was locked in an image that told me that I am small and I can`t do certain things; that it`s better to keep it safe and don’t stand out. Well, to my own happiness, after getting to my seat I fully felt it in both my mind and soul that that image had been changed by a new one, and not only it was new but true, too: an image that told me that I am a confident person and that there is unlimited potential within me (and within all people on this planet, for that matter), and that indeed there is nothing I can`t achieve if I set my mind to it. The old image still makes its appearance. Of course it does. But it`s not a problem anymore as I can recognize it and send  it away whenever it shows up.

Let man have confidence in himself and he will move mountains. I know this for a fact now.

Be explosive & bold & wild!:)

Cristina