Writers’ Last Words, Part I.

Writers have enough problems to make Dr. House beat us to death with his cane. And with that comes the sort of beauty that the world doesn’t often get a chance to see, along with occasional outright insanity. Below, I’ve listed thirteen writers and their last words, along with the small story that accompanies them.

However, after that, I’ve also given each of their last words a rating anywhere between one through five stars. Now, that rating is entirely subjective, and my only requirements are that it be something I thoroughly enjoy – whether that be because it’s funny, deep, sappy, or anything else. Feel free to disagree with me.

1. Tolstoy: “I love many things, I love all people.”

He said his last words to his eldest son, days after fleeing his mansion and living like an ascetic. Late in his life, he had given away most of his fortune, living true to his Christian values and driving a stake through his marriage.

Rating: Two Stars.

It was nice and sentimental, and totally fit his later personality, but it also bored the hell out of me. I gave him a point for his sweet beard.

2. Thoreau: “Moose. Indian.”

Suffering from tuberculosis, Thoreau was likely suffering from delirium when he said these words. Before this, when asked if he was at peace with God, Thoreau said, “I was not aware that we had quarreled.” And then, “Now comes good sailing.”

Rating: Three stars

At first, I wanted to give him five stars. Because, seriously. Moose? I don’t think that word ever gets repeated in actual conversation unless we’re talking about hunters or history. But, in the end, I had to drop it to three. I loved his few sentences before these two, though.

3. Hunter S. Thompson. “Relax – it won’t hurt.”

Infamous American journalist and author, Thompson was a man with a passion for firearms and all things dangerous. At sixty-seven, finding no joy remaining in his life, he suicided – appropirately, by shooting himself in the head. These phrase was found at the end of his suicide note.

Rating: Four stars

Probably the most simplistic of the last words on this blog post, but perhaps also the most meaningful, depending on how you read it. Is he talking about the physical pain, the pain of the unsureness of life after death, or any number of other things? I’m not sure, but I like it.

4. Lady Mary Wortley Montagu: “It has all been most interesting.”

Rating: Three stars.

I couldn’t find much of a story to back up her words, but considering her well-lived life, I thought she deserved to be included in this first edition. At first, I thought her last words only deserved one star because they sounded cliched, but then I realized they sounded cliched because she had made them so.

5. Voltaire: “Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.”

All-around badass and original thinker, this was Voltaire’s response to a priest who had asked him to renounce Satan. Talk about sticking to one’s guns, eh?

Rating: Five stars

Why? Because it’s hilarious and he didn’t back down. I like that. A lot. Also, he probably died knowing that the priest in the room was incredibly angry at the response, so I bet he died with a smile on his face.

6. Eugene O’Niell: “I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room, and goddammit, died in a hotel room.”

One of the most gifted playwrights to have ever walked this earth, O’Niell passed away from pneumonia. Parkinson’s had affected him in his declining years, disallowing him from writing in longhand, but he remained witty until the end. His mustache says it all.

Rating: Two stars

I wasn’t really sure how I felt about this one. I feel like reading it doesn’t do it justice, but if I had been there for his death, it might have made a world of difference.

7. Chechov: “It’s been a long time since I drank champagne.”

After an intense night of writing – working on a short story – he called a doctor in, who could do nothing but give him a glass of champagne. After drinking the sparkling beverage, Chechov set it down and died.

Rating: Three stars

One star for originality. Five stars for drink of choice. Take the average.

8. Huxley: “LSD. 100 micrograms I.M.”

A man heavily invested in the use of psychedelics, Huxley wanted to go out on his own terms. From his wife’s letter, he died gently.

Rating: Three stars.

I give it a middling score. What did I like about it? His pinpoint accuracy and sparsity of words. I can just imagine him directing this affair as he lay in bed. What did I dislike? It didn’t strike me in any way.

9. J.M. Barrie: “I can’t sleep.”

Fascinatingly, Barrie gave all the rights (and royalties) of Peter Pan to a hospital charity, who has since used the monies to fund its medical pursuits and various do-goodings.

Rating: Two star

A simple statement of the fact, this one just made me sad.

10. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: “More light!”

Some attribute this to a plea to enlightenment. The truth, however, is rather less impactful, as he is rumored to really have said, “Do open the shutter of the bedroom so that more light may enter.”

Rating: One star.

If it had been a plea for more knowledge or whatever, that would have gained it a higher rating. However, due to the story about the shutter that I unearthed, it is equivalent to someone turning on the overhead light in a dark room. Meh.

11. Kafka: “Kill me! Or are you a murderer!”

Dying of tuberculosis, Kafka directed these words to a doctor in a last-ditch effort to end his life. Too bad euthanasia hadn’t been around back then, or Kafka might not have died in so much pain.

Rating: Five stars

The only other five star rating on this list, I loved Kafka’s last words. They weren’t meaningful or deep in the slightest, but they were said in an effort to end his agony, and the cleverness of the phrase is just delightful, if you think about it.

12. Elizabeth Barret Browning: “It is most beautiful.”

Said as she died in the presence of her husband when asked how she was feeling. Didn’t really answer the question, but I think he got the idea.

Rating: Two stars

Basically identical to Wortley’s, exact “beautiful” isn’t as good as “interesting.”

13. W. C. Fields: “Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it – except you, Carlotta!”

He said these last words to Carlotta, his mistress, before liver cirrhosis claimed the unapologetic alcoholic. This one is by far my favorite. Unvarnished truth at its finest.

Rating: Four stars

Love it. Curmudgeonly and misanthropic as you can get. I imagine him choking down a cigar after saying it, snubbing it underfoot, then taking a slug of whiskey before death claimed him. Probably entirely fantasy, but what good is an imagination other than to dispute reality?

What did you think? Agree? Disagree? My last words will probably be drowned out by the sound of a bottle popping, so I’ll probably never make a list like this one. But, if I do, I want to go out much like Voltaire did: middle finger up.

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