HI! MY NAME'S TOBY, AND I'M A TRUMP SUPPORTER!
Hi! My name's Toby. I'm a forty-something, white Caucasian; love Jesus, guns and the Confederate flag (not necessarily in that order) -- and boy, am I mad as HELL! Last year I got laid off from my job circumcising gators at a Tampa theme park. A few weeks later, Bambi, my common law wife, fractured her vertebrae when she lost control of her rig at a monster truck rally. Things could've been much worse if the family seated in the front row hadn't served as a wheel chock. Even so, Bambi wound up in a full body cast.
Thankfully, Governor Rick Scott isn't some socialist fuckwad, so Bambi didn't have to worry about being euthanized by any Obamacare death panel. Things are rough though with no paycheck and my insurance being cancelled -- and since Obama now owns all the drug companies and jacked up prices sky-high, the only way we can afford Bambi's pain meds is to search Rush Limbaugh's fat rolls for mashed-up Oxycontin tabs.
Our faith in the Lord keeps us strong. The guy Bambi's mom is dating is an ordained minister. Last week, he stopped by our trailer and performed the ritual "laying of the hands" on Bambi to exercise the evil spirits from her spine (all maladies are caused by evil spirits), then -- overtaken by the rapture of the Holy Spirit -- danced around while wrapped in venomous snakes. For the first time in months, Bambi was able to wiggle her toes. Afterwards, we had Reverend Bob airlifted to the poison control center in Boca Raton, and gave thanks to our Savior Jesus Christ.
Which brings me to why I'm voting for Donald Trump. Donald Trump is a man of faith -- not a devil-worshipping, socialist Jew (or worse: someone who's had sex with Bill Clinton). When elected president, Mr. Trump will see to it that our children start each school day with prayer -- followed by an hour of target practice (he's also in favor of concealed carry for 6-year-olds). Not only will Mr. Trump solve the gun shortage in our schools, but he'll kick that Kenyan Obama's ass back to Afghanistan where it belongs ... and not just Obama! He's gonna round-up all those illegal aliens robbing honest, hard-working homegrown patriots of our shot at the American dream (working the deep fryer at Hooters). So please, won't you join me in supporting Mr. Trump? Together, we can make America great again! (Maybe even as good as Canada.)
Thankfully, Governor Rick Scott isn't some socialist fuckwad, so Bambi didn't have to worry about being euthanized by any Obamacare death panel. Things are rough though with no paycheck and my insurance being cancelled -- and since Obama now owns all the drug companies and jacked up prices sky-high, the only way we can afford Bambi's pain meds is to search Rush Limbaugh's fat rolls for mashed-up Oxycontin tabs.
Our faith in the Lord keeps us strong. The guy Bambi's mom is dating is an ordained minister. Last week, he stopped by our trailer and performed the ritual "laying of the hands" on Bambi to exercise the evil spirits from her spine (all maladies are caused by evil spirits), then -- overtaken by the rapture of the Holy Spirit -- danced around while wrapped in venomous snakes. For the first time in months, Bambi was able to wiggle her toes. Afterwards, we had Reverend Bob airlifted to the poison control center in Boca Raton, and gave thanks to our Savior Jesus Christ.
Which brings me to why I'm voting for Donald Trump. Donald Trump is a man of faith -- not a devil-worshipping, socialist Jew (or worse: someone who's had sex with Bill Clinton). When elected president, Mr. Trump will see to it that our children start each school day with prayer -- followed by an hour of target practice (he's also in favor of concealed carry for 6-year-olds). Not only will Mr. Trump solve the gun shortage in our schools, but he'll kick that Kenyan Obama's ass back to Afghanistan where it belongs ... and not just Obama! He's gonna round-up all those illegal aliens robbing honest, hard-working homegrown patriots of our shot at the American dream (working the deep fryer at Hooters). So please, won't you join me in supporting Mr. Trump? Together, we can make America great again! (Maybe even as good as Canada.)
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