Consent, effin' Gorians, and Why I Don't Write BDSM

OK, "Don't write" is a bit of an overstatement. I'm writing a BDSM-type short right now, and some who've read my stories (especially Shark Bait) might argue that I have a fair bit of BDSM-in-disguise in my work.

However, here's the thing: this short is kicking my butt– and why? Because it's contemporary. And as Cassandra Car pointed out to me last night, that means it's supposed to be real.

But what is "real" BDSM? Now, now– if you're a practitioner of the "lifestyle" don't chime in too fast! What I mean is: what is more real, the practices people perform in the community, or the fantasies I have in my mind?

As an author, I normally write my fantasies, then tone 'em down for prime time. But if I write BDSM, I have to write how I would choreograph my imagination in a quasi-scripted, pre-negotiated way. Um, less hot. Way less hot. I'd rather ditch the flogging scene than have my characters talk about it.

When I was in college, sexual negotiation was all the rage. In the uber-PC early 90s, a boy was supposed to ask if he could kiss you, then ask to touch your boob. What did I read during this time? Anne Rice's Beauty Series. We all did! The statutory-rape-condoning, completely non-consensual, BDSM masterpiece.

The Beauty Series had nothing whatsoever to do with reality. And hence, I loved it.

I would smack a guy who asked permission to kiss me. I mean, grow a pair for the love of Pete! If I don't want to kiss you back, I'll say, "no." The word no has worked pretty well for me over the course of my life, I've seldom needed anything harsher or more involved.

It's been pointed out to me that my short story read as non-consensual since the man didn't give the heroine the choice to leave. But…but…they'd just met. And they were in a public place! Why would he need to give her permission?

It's America, not Afghanistan. If a woman wants to walk out of a restaurant, she doesn't need a man to give her that option. Any woman who's freaked out in a situation has the right, nay the responsibility, to leave.

Similarly, he told her to bend over– told not asked. But, um…last I heard, women in 2011 America didn't have to do things a man told her to do. If you follow an order, it's because you want to.

"Daisy, come here and suck my cock."

If I go ahead and do it, my husband can safely assume I wanted to suck some cock. If I say, "Not now honey, I'm writing a blog post," he can assume I wasn't into it. Simple!

This brings me to safe words. I think safe words are great, important, fantastic! Necessary in "official" or "real" BDSM. But you only need them in situations where you and your partner have decided he (or she) won't stop if you say, "no." If you're planning to scream, "Oh god, please stop, I beg you!" while s/he inserts ginger up your butt, and you want him/her to disregards your request, then by all means, you need a safe word!

But in this life place, where everyday couples (and groups!) toy with power every day, "no" usually suffices. Or stop. Whichever you prefer.

The funny thing is, I had a big discussion with Delphine Dryden, Scarlett Parrish and Julia Broadbooks yesterday on Twitter about consent in erotica. It started because I expressed my disgust at Gorian philosophy. (Link not provided, and I strongly suggest you don't google.) In particular, I lamented that Gorians have turned me off male-Dom BDSM for the forseeable future.

The discussion turned to the Gor books– to which I replied I hadn't read them. I don't care what's in the books! It's an imaginary, fantasy world. People can fantasize about whatever they want. What disgusts me is that people would take what may be a perfectly hot fantasy and turned it into a sick excuse for abject sexism.

Misogyny sucks. People who practice it can suck my imaginary, fantastical, non-consensual balls.

Misogynists bite because they ruin my fantasies! I want to be able to fantasize about being weak and helpless and out-of-control, not *actually* be weak and helpless.

In my imagination, dominating males know I'm strong enough to stand up for myself. They know if I'm handing over power, I do so out of my own free will– not because they didn't give me permission to behave otherwise. The Dom of my fantasies trusts my intelligence and strength.

Now that's hot.

***Late addendum: I totally understand that in some BDSM relationships, the sub hands over so much power to her Dom that she wouldn't leave her seat without his permission. However– my point is that for every 1 couple engaged in that type of relationship, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of couple engaging in less formalized forms of power-play.***