I was afraid I was unlovable…
I was so afraid I was unlovable, I kept this fear as a secret even from myself.
Of course, I’m lovable. Look at me! I might say out loud or in over exuberance to myself. But a whisper within would betray me and say just the opposite and then it would go on to list all of the atrocities of my personality and personal history, data that supported my deepest fear. And honestly in a voice that sounded a lot like my mother’s.
Oy vey.
Of course, I had no idea any of that was happening until life (i.e. Spirit) created some very interesting circumstances – as it always does – to get my attention about this core fear.
First interesting circumstance…
For over 5 years, client after client after client after client that I worked and shared with in my online programs and 1:1 mentorship would either confess a feeling in the same genre of this fear of unlovability, i.e. Fear I’m not worthy, fear no one will love me, fear that I can’t have what I want, etc. OR it would come up as a priority in their Soul Alignment session. I cannot even tell you how many energetic releases I have done on variations of this fear, but it’s most definitely in the thousands.
It became more and more clear to me that this fear of not being lovable was something massive. It was something massive within almost every person on the planet.
In fact, it appears this fear is within – at varying degrees depending on one’s evolutionary journey (i.e. past lives and current life evolution) – every human being on the planet.
What in the hell?
Second interesting circumstance that validated the guidance I had received that this is a human-wide phenomena:
Ben Higgins stunned audiences on The Bachelorette (yes, I am a silently faithful Bachelor viewer – don’t judge ;)) when he confessed to Bachelorette Kaitlyn that he feared he was unlovable. My mouth was agape. Seriously? This tall, gorgeous, kind, intelligent, loving man who could be the poster child for what most heterosexual women in their 20’s desire in a man – feared he was unlovable??
What in the hell?
All of America cried out in disbelief and outrage – and understandably so – and then demanded he be made the next Bachelor. He was.
Yet, the unlovability theme didn’t just stop there. On Ben’s season of The Bachelor the gorgeous and brilliant Jubilee cried out upon being sent home, “I’m the most unlovable person in the world right now.”
What, this is like a thing now?
And THEN, then I was guided to read SARK’s newest book which she wrote with her Beloved where she confesses that she was “pretty sure” she was unlovable which is why she hadn’t met her partner until she was almost 60.
Okay, so this is most definitely a thing.
When Spirit brings you anything in 3’s you have to pay attention.
This fear and belief that we are unlovable impacts every gender, every race – every human because it is the core fear of unworthiness. It’s bullshit, but it’s there. And it’s there because we have the opportunity to bring it to the Light of Source and therefore heal not only ourselves but one another.
I had to go deeper into this inquiry within myself. Obviously fear of being unlovable was UP in a big way in my swirl and I knew that in and of itself was a message not only for my “work” in the world but for my own personal evolution. I took it into meditation and asked to be shown how this fear had manifested itself in my life.
And oh my loves, it was not pretty. I discovered that this fear that I am unlovable is what motivated me to:
Overextend myself in my work and business – up until 2015 when Spirit flat out stopped me from living out of alignment – in an attempt to prove my worthiness, i.e. lovability.
Be in relationship with men who were abusive and unkind to me, in an attempt to prove my worthiness and “win” their love (hello, my entire childhood with my parents – in this lifetime anyway – who knows how many lifetimes I’ve walked this path!).
Change my appearance in a way that seemed would make me more desirable, i.e., lovable – I had blonde hair for years when I am in fact a dark, auburn haired woman. I believed that men only desired blondes. This was no doubt fueled by my father leaving my mousey brown haired mother for a woman with a huge Texas-sized mass of blonde hair – in this lifetime anyway. Who knew the lengths I had gone to in previous lifetimes in an attempt to quell that fear. Maybe if I was prettier, I would be more lovable. Maybe. But probably not, because I was too busy…
Being in friendships where I over-gave and therefore became drained. Because again, perhaps I could win their Love and therefore somehow win the Love of my mother (in this lifetime, and undoubtedly many others).
To take trips, eat food, go to social events, drink too much – all in an effort to make another happy and to prove that I was so flexible, so easy, so accommodating that I was worthy of loving.
This is beyond hilarious to me, because come on – I was never going to be a blonde, docile, overly-accommodating, 9-5-er who liked to “party” on the weekends. (And let me be clear, there isn’t anything wrong with any of these things, they just aren’t who I truly am.)
No, I was always going to be the brunette with the big curly hair who speaks up, who knows and feels things that are non-physical and has to share, the writer who has to write what Spirit brings through her, the introvert committed to the path of Spirit even when that also includes eating mostly vegan (when I had a previous love affair with meat and cheese) and not drinking alcohol (which had made up my entire social life for most of my life), and the romantic who watches The Bachelor and reads SARK and Rumi.
And so, I have to bless getting “sick” 10 years ago to wake me up to all of this. I have to bless my parents, every man I loved, every friend I had, every hairstylist – who let me bleach the living crap out of my hair. I have to bless myself for showing up in this lifetime and walking this path, even when it felt excruciating. I have to bless myself for carrying this false fear of being unlovable so that I could wake up and rise up, and do this work in the world, so that I could write this post and I could support the now thousands of individuals I’ve supported in realizing their truth.
The fear of being unlovable drove me to do things that were in direct opposition to who I really am – and that’s what fear will do when you let it run you. I spent years trying to be “normal”, trying to be like other people in an effort to feel lovable.
I didn’t know this fear was running though, and that’s what happens when the unconscious is, well, unconscious.
And that’s why doing your spiritual “work” is mandatory for living a truly vibrant, incredible, fantastical, better-than-you-could-have-thought-up-life. Doing this “work” allows what is unconscious within you to be seen and be made known to you and when that happens, you’ve got real leverage to get rid of that shit once and for all – cuz I don’t know about you, but I am not interested in taking any of my limitations with me when I transition out of this body.
If I hadn’t finally given up my hold on my unlovable story – I would never have stepped into my Destiny to do this Spiritual “work” in the world as an author, teacher and guide. Which just so happens to be one of the very best things that has ever happened to me.
You see, the things within you that you fear make you unlovable are the aspects of you that need and desire the Light of your attention and Love. In fact, many times these aspects are the keys to your Destiny. This fear and all fears and limitations are the very things that you and I came here to evolve forward.
I, with the aid of the JOGs, go deeper into releasing this fear of unlovability and deeper into the power of conscious Loving union in my Eternal Love program that starts this Thursday, February 11. This program only comes around once a year, so enroll today and begin your path to healing this core fear of unlovability.
As you do, and as we come together in this way, we are opening a portal into deeper, conscious Loving of ourselves, of Spirit and of our Beloved.
As you do, you become magnetized to attracting more Love into your life than you ever dreamed possible.
I look forward to sharing more with you there!
And in the meantime, take this into your meditation – where has your fear of being unlovable shown itself in your life? Where have you been out of integrity with who you truly are all in the hopes of feeling lovable? And how can you bring more Loving to yourself, and therefore to your life, right now, today?
