The Definitive Guide to Getting the Absolute Least Out of Life

An inspirational list for slimeballs, scumbags and would-be sociopaths. Inspired in part by hateful tabloid bile-spreaders Katie Hopkins and Giles Coren.

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Abuse Your Body. Ignore what the health-nuts and so-called experts say. Your body is not a temple. It is landfill in ill-fitting underwear. Fill it with junk and never ever exercise. Exercise will only make you happy.


Cigarettes and Alcohol Are Your Friends. Illegal drugs may expand your consciousness and lead you to question the status quo. Stick to cigarettes and alcohol, acceptable legal highs that kill troublesome brain cells and have been proven to reduce stress by reducing the length of your life.


Do Not Drink Water. What’s the point? It doesn’t even have any sugar in it.


Eat Things Steeped in Suffering. Avoid fresh fruit and vegetables at all costs and make sure your diet is a rancid fusion of nutrition-free, health-damaging chemicals and things that are routinely tortured and killed in extraordinarily unpleasant ways. This includes the vast majority of all meat and dairy products, and pretty much all processed food. Essentially, anything that isn’t fresh fruit and vegetables.


Be Cruel to Animals. Eating animals that society deems edible is a start, but it’s not nearly enough. To fully scrape the barrel of human existence, you will need to extend your heartlessness to domestic animals, as well as sneering at those who claim that animals enrich their lives. Animals are meat, milk and muscle to be worked. Getting attached to them is a sign of weakness.


Be Selfish. Martin Luther King said that life’s most persistent and urgent question is ‘What are you doing for others?’ And look what happened to him. Shot to death, courtesy of ‘others’. You know that in reality, life’s most persistent question is this: ‘What are you doing for yourself?’ And if that answer isn’t ‘Everything I can, every second of every day’, then you’re doing it wrong. To truly get the least out of your life, let this be your mantra: fuck other people.

Be Greedy. Everything has to belong to someone and it might as well be you. Worship money and the trappings of wealth. Devote your life to it. Sure, you can’t take it with you, but you can hoard it pointlessly and drool over it in the small hours when dark thoughts make you question everything you think you believe. Better still, invest in companies that destroy the environment and treat humankind like vermin and just watch your money magically multiply. Our entire economic system is set up to encourage your ruthless greed. You’d be an absolute fool not to buy into it.


Spurn Spirituality. We are not all connected. We are all totally separate. You are born alone and you die alone. Everything else is garbage for the gullible. There is no god. There is no unity. There is only surface. Searching for something invisible is lunacy. Meditation is merely laziness in disguise. Mindfulness is a scam. Compassion is for saps. The Dalai Lama may smile a lot but when was the last time you saw him at a film premiere? The man is a nothing but a glorified tramp.


Adopt Poisonous Opinions to Get Attention. If saying outrageous, hurtful and downright stupid things will help you get ahead in your career, then just go ahead and say them. You don’t have to believe them. In fact, you will get a lot less out of life if the only reason you say them is for personal gain. Look to Hopkins, who has carved out a name for herself as one of the most spiteful, poisonous, unkind people on the planet. Look to Coren, who openly admits to being deliberately disagreeable for money…

Boast. Never waste an opportunity to tell everyone how great you are, how much money you make and how much everyone loves you. Like Donald Trump does. Like Jimmy Savile did.


Choose Your Heroes With Care. Any of the following are worthy of your admiration: Hopkins and Coren, obviously. Donald Trump. Bill O’Reilly. Rupert Murdoch. Paul Dacre. Robert Mugabe. Vladimir Putin. Dick Cheney. Kim Kardashian. And so on. The list, happily, is a long one.


Fear and Despise Anything That Is Different. Whether it is a person’s colour, their accent, their language, their religion, their sexuality, their body-shape, the music they like, the way they dress or adorn their bodies, or simply the opinions that they have, know that they constitute a challenge to your unwavering righteousness, and do everything in your power to limit their influence. Ignoring them is not an option. ‘Live and let live’ leaves the whole world in a confused and scary mess. Start a hate campaign instead. Stamp them out. They are ‘the other’. They are a threat.


Be Cruel to Children. Sure, you may have to be cruel to be kind on occasion, but let’s not forget being cruel just to be cruel. Children deserve to know, as soon as is humanly possible, that life is a simmering sewer of bitter, hateful people just like you. Take their candy. Crush their dreams. Relish their tears. Remember at all times that anyone of them could grow up and take something away from you. And you don’t want that.

Lie. If it helps you get what you want, tell anyone whatever you think they most want to hear. They may find out one day that you have deceived them. It may destroy them. Good. Anyone weak enough to be destroyed by your lies has it coming. If for some reason you need to keep them onside though, don’t hesitate to lie to them again.


Use People. Use them up and spit them out. They exist for your pleasure, profit and amusement. When they no longer please, profit or amuse you, turn your back on them and walk away.


Disparage the Efforts of Others. This is especially effective when people are trying to change things for the better in a creative or unusual way. Ridicule them. Their efforts at encouraging human evolution are anathema to you.


Create Nothing. Devote all of your energy to destruction. Delight in the negative effects that emanate out from your heart and spread poison throughout your body, ultimately becoming everything that you are.


Let Your Anger Be Your Guide. Lash out and hurt people whenever they irritate or question you. If you feel anger, and I know that you do, react to it immediately. If someone gets in your way, for whatever reason, crush them. You’ll be surprised how easy it is. Other people’s feelings are not your concern. Your fury must be indulged. Indulge it.

Turn Your Back on Your Loved Ones. If your parents are still alive and still insist on trying to be a part of your life, ignore their calls. A friend in need is a pain in the backside. Blot them out. Move on.


Never Question Authority. Authority is authority for a reason: the people in charge know better than you. Why would they be in charge otherwise? Dumbass. The police represent the government and the government represent you. So toe the line and do what they say. It’s for your own good.


Watch More Television. Avoid documentaries or anything remotely challenging or educational. Stick to the worst kind of reality TV, anything with the word ‘Shore’ in the title and programmes that encourage you to enter competitions or vote for something meaningless on premium rate telephone numbers. Be sure to call those numbers as much as possible to increase your chances of winning or of having your voice heard. Your voice must be heard. It is the only voice that counts.


Leave Hateful Comments on YouTube. Or anywhere on the internet, or indeed in real life. Hateful comments are like cold germs sneezed into the open mouths of crying babies. They cause nothing but pain and misery, which will come back to you tenfold.


Be Cruel to Adults. Although generally much older, adults are also child’s play when it comes to causing pain. Especially the vulnerable. Oppress them. Humiliate them. Exploit them.

Take Everything at Face Value. Never look beyond the surface. If meaning is hidden in any way, it is not meant to be found. Why should you make an effort to understand something if the meaning is not staring you in the face?


Kill yourself. I tried to think of another way to end this, but the fact is, you’re a sociopath and you’re ruining the planet for the rest of us. There is no cure for what you are and you’re responsible for everything that is stopping us evolving any further. It doesn’t have to be messy or gruesome. Just go off somewhere quiet and stop eating.

Thanks.

x

 

Filed under: LIST, SOCIOPATHY Tagged: Dalai Lama, Giles Coren, Katie Hopkins, Martin Luther King