THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHEN YOU’VE BEEN SINGLE FOR FAR TOO LONG.

You don’t even bother doing a quick tidy before you go out. The only thing you’re likely to bring home drunk is a burger.

You believe it’s entirely possible that you’ll never sleep with anyone again but it’s not all gloom because you can’t remember what sex feels like anyway.

You tell yourself you’ll definitely start looking for a relationship, after you’ve re-watched  all seventeen seasons of Law and Order SVU.

 

When someone does ask you out, you’re not entirely sure how to react.

You shudder at the thought of having to permanently share the side of the bed where your snacks and laptop live.

The thought of having to hold in farts doesn’t seem worth the hassle.

You stop buying sexy underwear because you already have 14 sets with the tags still on.

You’re fully aware that there are people in nursing homes getting more action than you are.

 

You change your Tinder specifications to ‘whatever’

You watch First Dates and sob quietly to yourself afterwards because at least they put themselves out there and you haven’t even bothered getting dressed today.

 

Your parents stop asking if you’re seeing anyone and instead ask if you want to join them at the garden centre.

You convince yourself you’re single for stupid reasons like your ‘rogue wonky eyelash’ or ‘intimidating nostrils.’ No one will convince you otherwise.

You realise that every single person you know is attached. Even the fucking idiots. All of them.