Depression is a Difficult Beast to Tame

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Probably the hardest thing I will ever face in my life has already been with me for seventeen years: depression.

Currently, I’m in pretty deep. Getting up in the morning is hard. Moving is hard. I’m constantly sore and sick and can’t concentrate on anything.

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The worst part is everything I find enjoyable, my brain twists into blame. Blame for liking things that some unnamed, blurry others might find immature. Blame for doing something–like writing–that a dark place in me is sure won’t amount to anything. Blame for not doing something more productive with my time.

But even when I switch to doing something else, something that previously seemed “more productive”, the internal dialogue starts all over again with the new task.

Depression is difficult to deal with. Even if you have one eureka moment, one thought or realization that brings everything into focus and comforts the whole of you, offering you strength, that moment is fleeting. Depression comes back again in either a few seconds or a few hours: perhaps weaker than before and having to restart tearing down the foundation you have built yourself, perhaps even stronger with some bigger demon to send into your thoughts like a battering ram.

I’m doing something different when facing depression this time around. I am being vocal. I am letting my friends know that I’m in the dark and I need help. At first, it feels like admitting this cuts my own feet out from underneath me. I feel like telling others will show them how weak and invaluable I am and will lead to me being discarded. But there is a merciful place in me that knows that people who would judge me or leave me when I am down right now–they are not the people I want by my side even when I am up.

So, to whoever is reading this, thank you for listening. Thank you for reading what I’ve exposed about my own vulnerability. For those who support me, or those who support others who are similarly afflicted, thank you. For those who face the battle, too, please know that you do not face the beast alone.

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