Warning Signs Your Resolutions Will Fail, In The Unlikely Event They Haven’t Already

You didn’t make any
You made more than one
You only made one but it involved dieting or exercise
You broke your own foot to avoid going to the gym
You made the mistake of looking on Pinterest for inspiration and found everyone else had handmade, artisanal resolutions, rendering yours like lopsided cupcakes without a theme
They all included the phrase “winning the lottery”
You posted them on social media and nobody liked, shared, or retweeted them
You made them with a friend
You didn’t make them with a friend
You really, really hate kale, jogging, and/or investing one-third of your paycheck in any scheme that doesn’t involve alcohol and/or dessert
You really, really like alcohol and/or dessert

But that’s no reason to give up.