Reflections from Blizzard of 2016
I’m from New York. I’ve lived there for twenty-somewhat years. It’s the city that never sleeps. Never stops. For better or for worse, that’s ingrained in me. So though, I’ve been living in the sanctity of peaceful Maryland for the last 4.5 years, that New- York- work-now-rest-never spirit still lives in me. And I’m working on it. I’m working on it because for most of my adult life (and I’m only 26) I have silently struggled with anxiety and hypertension. My mental and physical well-being depends on me finding rest often and consistently. I’m working on it.
I work a full time job at a high school, and often times working a full time teaching load between The University of Maryland, Prince George's Community College, and Montgomery Community College. I’m at work at 7:30 am, and usually just getting in about 9:30 pm (on a good day). I work long days, often 6 days a week. On top of that, I have recently written and released my first book (“The Last Pew: Journeying Back to God’s Will After an Affair). Yes. Shameless plug. I’ve been busy. And I’ve been very tired. The last few months, I really realized how I have been at work and at church and everywhere else, but I haven’t shown up. I have been meeting my responsibilities, but I haven’t really been showing up.
Have you been there? Where you feel more like a robot, than fully human? Where your to-do list (in your mind) is running so rampant that you’re just trying to survive what is demanded of you, rather than really truly living?
So, I have found myself praying...for some time...a vacation..a break...a change in scenery...something. But silently, I’ve been praying for the day where I can be a full-time momma, and full time wife, first and foremost. Be a home-maker. Yes, that’s right. A home-maker. This chic still wants that old school thing. While writing and ministering, maybe teaching an English class here and there. And travel the world. I want to do that for a few years. That is my quiet dream.
Then the Blizzard of 2016 hit. And Maryland, literally SHUT DOWN. And the New Yorker in me was like: “well...haven’t you all seen snow before?! We’ve got to keep it pushin’.” I’ve been out of work for 7 days now and it has been MIRACULOUS. I won’t complain. Just the idea of going to bed super late to a Lifetime movie, and waking up super late, after the sun, excites me. The notion of having my morning coffee to- stay as I read my morning devotionals, as opposed to having my lukewarm coffee, to-go does something for me. The idea that my schedule is literally empty and I can do whatever the heck I want, is gratifying. So I have been finding myself on my yoga mat, on a treadmill, on my couch (mostly), writing/lesson planning at my desk, and in my kitchen whipping things that I never carved enough time out to make. It’s been nice.
In this break, God answered my prayers, in the way He saw fit, and in a way that I had not imagined. God is like that.
But about Day 2 of my snowy staycation, something started to happen in my mind. I began to get really restless. And feeling unproductive. Almost feeling like I’m not doing anything well because I am not “working.” I had to fight off the permanent New Yorker in me that always whispers to me that “if I am not working myself to death, I am not doing anything in life.” So consciously, I fought her off and began to reflect as I was forcing myself to be still…
In being still, I meditated on one word: growth. I thought about the life that I hope to build with a big family one day. And the life I have built out here by myself. It’s been fascinating. I meditated on how I’ve grown from having roommates, to housemates, to just me. It’s been nice. I thought about how much I rejoiced as I purchased each. piece. of. furniture month by month until I had a fully furnished home last year. That literally took a year. The growth, I appreciate. The building, the step-by-step, prayer-lifted, prayer-answered journey has been rewarding.
Then I thought about when I purchased my first car on my own. It was a grey 2012 Honda Civic. I walked into the dealer literally not caring what kind of car I bought. Totally indifferent. (I’m sure I was an easy customer). I just needed something that worked. I had no specific requirements. No pressing need to test drive or have a mechanic check it out. I didn’t care if it was a two door or four. I didn’t care if it had leather seats or not. I just needed something that got me around. Because that’s where I was in my life. And I was content with just that. As long as I could make the monthly payments, it didn’t matter how much I was paying in interests. That’s just where I was.
I thought about how I furnished the rooms and apartments that I shared with other people over the last few years. In the past, I didn’t care if my furniture matched or not. Or if my bed-sets were complete. As long as my space was clean and I had a place to lay my head, I was good. I was content. Because that’s just where I was in my life at that point. And that was okay.
Oh, but growth.
Now, it matters. This summer, I walked into the dealership and said. I need a white car. Four door. Leather seats. Bluetooth. Sun roof. Back up camera. Oh. And I’m not paying over x amount in monthly payments. I knew what I wanted. And I got what I prayed for. It wasn’t about being materialistic. I am suchhhh a simple gal that I have to consciously tell myself, “Soph: it’s okay to want nicer things.” This place in my life, I am conditioning myself to think higher. To want more for myself. To receive what I put out. To no longer deal with mediocrity or be satisfied that something works for me. It’s okay to seek out better.
Last January. This home. This time around. I said...I need to live closer to work. I need a spot with a gym and a pool. I want an all white bedroom with a bookcase as a headboard. I’m ditching my old school-big-back-television- set and getting a flat screen. I need a tub for my hot lavender baths. And a spacious kitchen to learn and play in. I knew what I wanted. And I got precisely what I prayed for.
Full-time momma, and full time wife, first and foremost. Be a home-maker. While writing and ministering, maybe teaching an English class here and there. While traveling the world. But this. Why is this my “quiet prayer” and my “quiet dream?” Is it because it may sound ludicrous and bizarre to some? Is it because I don’t have enough faith in actually obtaining this life? Is it because I am so close to this life that it scares me? Or is it because I have absolutely no clue on how I should go about getting this life? Perhaps a little bit of all the above? Why is it that we confidently pray about the THINGS we want, but we shyly pray about the LIFE we want? Hmm… I know exactly the life I want and envision. So many blessings I have received, have been blessings that I have claimed and prayed loudly about. So here it goes...
Dear God,
Thank you for being a God that hears our wildest dreams. And make them come true, according to Your will. I don’t want a lukewarm life. I want a life where I get to touch every single huge and tiny thing that You have for me. Help me to be courageous enough to pray specific, wild, lavish, loud, vivid prayers. I pray that You order my steps in such a way that brings me closer to the life I want. I want the love, the husband, the children, the home, the career, ministry, and the capacity to see the world that You have made. You can do all things. So I can have all things through You.
In Jesus’ name I pray.
Amen.
I work a full time job at a high school, and often times working a full time teaching load between The University of Maryland, Prince George's Community College, and Montgomery Community College. I’m at work at 7:30 am, and usually just getting in about 9:30 pm (on a good day). I work long days, often 6 days a week. On top of that, I have recently written and released my first book (“The Last Pew: Journeying Back to God’s Will After an Affair). Yes. Shameless plug. I’ve been busy. And I’ve been very tired. The last few months, I really realized how I have been at work and at church and everywhere else, but I haven’t shown up. I have been meeting my responsibilities, but I haven’t really been showing up.
Have you been there? Where you feel more like a robot, than fully human? Where your to-do list (in your mind) is running so rampant that you’re just trying to survive what is demanded of you, rather than really truly living?
So, I have found myself praying...for some time...a vacation..a break...a change in scenery...something. But silently, I’ve been praying for the day where I can be a full-time momma, and full time wife, first and foremost. Be a home-maker. Yes, that’s right. A home-maker. This chic still wants that old school thing. While writing and ministering, maybe teaching an English class here and there. And travel the world. I want to do that for a few years. That is my quiet dream.
Then the Blizzard of 2016 hit. And Maryland, literally SHUT DOWN. And the New Yorker in me was like: “well...haven’t you all seen snow before?! We’ve got to keep it pushin’.” I’ve been out of work for 7 days now and it has been MIRACULOUS. I won’t complain. Just the idea of going to bed super late to a Lifetime movie, and waking up super late, after the sun, excites me. The notion of having my morning coffee to- stay as I read my morning devotionals, as opposed to having my lukewarm coffee, to-go does something for me. The idea that my schedule is literally empty and I can do whatever the heck I want, is gratifying. So I have been finding myself on my yoga mat, on a treadmill, on my couch (mostly), writing/lesson planning at my desk, and in my kitchen whipping things that I never carved enough time out to make. It’s been nice.
In this break, God answered my prayers, in the way He saw fit, and in a way that I had not imagined. God is like that.
But about Day 2 of my snowy staycation, something started to happen in my mind. I began to get really restless. And feeling unproductive. Almost feeling like I’m not doing anything well because I am not “working.” I had to fight off the permanent New Yorker in me that always whispers to me that “if I am not working myself to death, I am not doing anything in life.” So consciously, I fought her off and began to reflect as I was forcing myself to be still…
In being still, I meditated on one word: growth. I thought about the life that I hope to build with a big family one day. And the life I have built out here by myself. It’s been fascinating. I meditated on how I’ve grown from having roommates, to housemates, to just me. It’s been nice. I thought about how much I rejoiced as I purchased each. piece. of. furniture month by month until I had a fully furnished home last year. That literally took a year. The growth, I appreciate. The building, the step-by-step, prayer-lifted, prayer-answered journey has been rewarding.
Then I thought about when I purchased my first car on my own. It was a grey 2012 Honda Civic. I walked into the dealer literally not caring what kind of car I bought. Totally indifferent. (I’m sure I was an easy customer). I just needed something that worked. I had no specific requirements. No pressing need to test drive or have a mechanic check it out. I didn’t care if it was a two door or four. I didn’t care if it had leather seats or not. I just needed something that got me around. Because that’s where I was in my life. And I was content with just that. As long as I could make the monthly payments, it didn’t matter how much I was paying in interests. That’s just where I was.
I thought about how I furnished the rooms and apartments that I shared with other people over the last few years. In the past, I didn’t care if my furniture matched or not. Or if my bed-sets were complete. As long as my space was clean and I had a place to lay my head, I was good. I was content. Because that’s just where I was in my life at that point. And that was okay.
Oh, but growth.
Now, it matters. This summer, I walked into the dealership and said. I need a white car. Four door. Leather seats. Bluetooth. Sun roof. Back up camera. Oh. And I’m not paying over x amount in monthly payments. I knew what I wanted. And I got what I prayed for. It wasn’t about being materialistic. I am suchhhh a simple gal that I have to consciously tell myself, “Soph: it’s okay to want nicer things.” This place in my life, I am conditioning myself to think higher. To want more for myself. To receive what I put out. To no longer deal with mediocrity or be satisfied that something works for me. It’s okay to seek out better.
Last January. This home. This time around. I said...I need to live closer to work. I need a spot with a gym and a pool. I want an all white bedroom with a bookcase as a headboard. I’m ditching my old school-big-back-television- set and getting a flat screen. I need a tub for my hot lavender baths. And a spacious kitchen to learn and play in. I knew what I wanted. And I got precisely what I prayed for.
Full-time momma, and full time wife, first and foremost. Be a home-maker. While writing and ministering, maybe teaching an English class here and there. While traveling the world. But this. Why is this my “quiet prayer” and my “quiet dream?” Is it because it may sound ludicrous and bizarre to some? Is it because I don’t have enough faith in actually obtaining this life? Is it because I am so close to this life that it scares me? Or is it because I have absolutely no clue on how I should go about getting this life? Perhaps a little bit of all the above? Why is it that we confidently pray about the THINGS we want, but we shyly pray about the LIFE we want? Hmm… I know exactly the life I want and envision. So many blessings I have received, have been blessings that I have claimed and prayed loudly about. So here it goes...
Dear God,
Thank you for being a God that hears our wildest dreams. And make them come true, according to Your will. I don’t want a lukewarm life. I want a life where I get to touch every single huge and tiny thing that You have for me. Help me to be courageous enough to pray specific, wild, lavish, loud, vivid prayers. I pray that You order my steps in such a way that brings me closer to the life I want. I want the love, the husband, the children, the home, the career, ministry, and the capacity to see the world that You have made. You can do all things. So I can have all things through You.
In Jesus’ name I pray.
Amen.
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