He's Just Not That Into Me

I have this male friend. A male friend that I have been close with on and off for YEARS. We have similar interests and (unfortunately) a similar dating life. We rush in and out of relationships all too quickly and end up picking each other up after the horrifying end.

At some point into our relationship, things shifted. There was definite flirting. I found myself in tears before he left on long trips, he was always coming to my rescue at a scary party, and there were moments of obvious chemistry. We had talked about it before, and we agreed that there could be something there eventually.

We grew older, took some time apart, and we became ourselves. He worked, and I went to school and wrote my books.

A few months ago, our friendship was in full swing again. As we started to talk more, we became very close. He was going through a hard time so I threw myself into making him feel better. I started thinking about him constantly, certain that I could make him feel better, and a large portion of my day was spent making sure that he was emotionally stable. As we became closer and I devoted more of myself to his needs, I developed stronger feelings.

This fact was pointed out to me by a friend. "Do you realize you talk about *him* a lot? Kind of cute. Sounds like he really matters to you." I realized that she was right and the reality was I DID care about him far more than I cared to admit.

So, I forced myself to open up. I was honest and told him how I felt. Originally he said that he wanted to set a date to talk about this because he didn't want to ruin our friendship. I understood that. As the date was pushed back though, I asked him to reconsider and just speak over the phone. He declined.

When he declined, I decided to take a step back. I thought that I would let him come to me for once. I wouldn't text, call or put in any effort.
When I stopped putting in effort, I NEVER heard from him.

He never once called me. He never once sent me a text. And he sure as hell didn't ask how I was doing. If I didn't reach out, we didn't have a friendship. As soon as I stopped picking up the phone, we turned into a thing of the past.

Time passed and despite the baring of my soul, he kept dating. So did I. He shared posts on Facebook about the way he was being treated, and complained about these "horrible girls" he was dating, as I waited in the wings.

When I read those posts, I always had an ache in my stomach. He wanted a wife: someone with the qualities that I have. And yet, he never saw me as an option. He never realized that if he chose me, he wouldn't get hurt.

A few nights ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I did it again. I tried to talk to him. And when he pulled back, yet again, I realized what was happening. I realized that I wasn't worth a conversation for him.

You can't change someone. You can't make someone call. You can't make a great love out of a shaky friendship. And you sure as hell can't change a man into thinking you're the priority when you are obviously just an option to him.

As Taylor Swift once sang, "I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairytale." That is the truth. I'm a firm believer in the fact that things will work out if they're supposed to. And I'm also a believer in the fact that a relationship should be TWO SIDED. I can't keep making excuses. And I cannot pretend to be okay with what happened.

Sure, we could have had something great. But is there really something great about a young, vibrant girl chasing after someone that gives her false hope, and then leaves her hanging? Is there something special about a girl that gives her all to someone that doesn't give her anything in return?

I really hope that one day soon we can move past this. Maybe we can stay friends. Maybe we can decide to go our separate ways. Or maybe even acknowledge that we do care about each other. But right now, I need a break.

I will not call him. I will not text him. Ball's in his court. I'm not exactly thrilled to be in this situation but I am happy that I have learned from this experience. I can't force something. I can't play both parts. And I can't pretend that he's into me when he isn't.

He just isn't.