Where we talk about the roles we play...

I find it very interesting to look back on past relationships and think about the role I played in them...like oh that one I was the Alpha Male or that one I was the cool laid back dude, or that one I was way more in love with her than she was with me...that seems to be the role I play most often...and as much as that might sound like I am complaining I'm really not...cause the one thing I want in life is that epic love story...that 80's rock ballad kind of love...and to be very honest I am just not gonna settle for anything less...because I don't have too...because I did that once and it led to a decade of pain and torture that I am lucky to have survived. Both cause she in fact tried to kill me and after being with her for so long I wanted to kill myself...

In a way I am lucky...cause I have found the kind of love I want in my life at least twice...that crazy kind of love...with the passion that comes a long with it...and the real problem with that kind of love is the passion tends to burn out...and then dumb shit happens, and yes at times even I have been the cause of that dumb shit...something about being in love makes you go retarded once in awhile...if it doesn't...you are not fucking doing it right.

The problem for me right in the here and now is...I really don't want anything that complicates life. And almost by definition the kind of love I go after, try to find complicates life a whole lot. And that is before the estrogen poisoning kicks in and my brain goes all full retard.

Maybe tastes change as you grow older and hopefully wiser. Right now I am just looking for someone to hang out with...someone that enjoys the same things I do...and someone who can avoid having that god damn conversation for more than a few months. Fuck...why is that so hard? Why can't we just hang out...why is there all this weird pressure to move forward with everything...fuck lets go slow cause for the most part I am a one gal at a time kind of dude and if I am spending all my time with you than that already sorta means I want to go to that place...but I don't want to run there...

And no I don't want to have that one fucking conversation...because that one conversation ruined fucking 2015 at least twice....and for those that haven't been paying attention should know I am never having another year like 2015 ever...