One Voice and Its Power
Much of the contemporary conversation about bullying is about how young people treat one another in school and about how adults can be allies to young people who are bullied and interrupt the bully cycle. Allies are important and what I am thinking and writing about this evening, but I do want to preface my thoughts with the note that there must be structural corrections to prevent and interrupt bullying. As I wrote in a previous blog post, people with power cannot be allowed to use social, political, and administrative structures to bully people they perceive as having less power, as being marked as other in our society. Individual action to prevent this type of bullying is important, but it is not enough. There have to be structural changes and structural protections. I do not know what those changes and protections are–I am too embroiled in my own life and the consequences of being targeted by a group of bullying bigots who have driven me and my family out of our home with harassment, threats, and intimidation tactics. I do know that they need to exist. Structural interventions are crucial.
People are important, too. Two stories about people who have acted with kindness and compassion when I have been targeted. First, a story not about Tibe and the current situation, but one from my past with a prefatory digression. Reader, this may shock you, but I am not longer a young woman. I would like to think I am not yet long in the tooth, but young is an adjective I have left behind. When I actually was young, I understood that as a result of sexism people would think that I was overly emotional, overwrought, and carried away by my emotions in a wide range of circumstances. Passionate about queer equality? A product of youth that will pass you by. Angry about homophobia and heterosexism? The anger will diminish with time. One of the ways that we diminish women in our society is to characterize them as experiencing things with too much emotion and tell them that their feelings are not important, not right, and will pass. I thought that these types of diminishments would decrease as I aged. I thought people would recognize my anger, my fury, my pain, my distress as a middle age woman as accurate, as earned through experience. It is not. My anger and all of my feelings continue to be diminished and dismissed–often even by other women–as not rational, as overwrought, as perhaps valid but not relevant. Being seen as a smart, competent, intelligent woman who happens to have strong, valid feelings is a rare experience. Having someone reflect back that they see and understand your feelings and that they want to take action in solidarity with you is even more rare.
When I was in my early twenties and working at the gay and lesbian center, there was an older lesbian who became obsessed with me. It happened quickly. Over a few days it moved from being a curious situation to an uncomfortable one to a creepy one to a situation that made me fear for my life. There was some evidence for my concern, but primarily it was a gut feeling. Many people told me I was misunderstanding the situation, that there was no danger and I should not worry. Two people, two board member, both gay men, heard me. They believed me and my gut feeling. They saw me and my concerns, and they responded with care, compassion, and action. In fact, it turned out that the woman was obsessed with me, was mentally unbalanced, and was in possession of a firearm. The ability of these two gay men to see me, understand the situation, and intervene ultimately diffused it. More than the resolution, though, I remember the profound sense of support and validation from them. I remain grateful for their aid but even more for the experience of being seen and believed.
Bullies thrive on the diminishments of people’s emotions. When someone says of a situation where the dynamics of bullying is at play, oh it isn’t a big deal, or she is overblowing the situation, that person is diminishing the person being bullied and refusing to see them and their humanity. These types of diminishments are complicity with the bullying dynamic. Listening to the experiences of someone who is being bullied, validating those experiences, and taking action to change the situation are the actions of support and validation. They allow someone being bullied to be seen and heard.
The Saturday after Tibe’s biting incident, I was walking with Emma on our usual walk around the neighborhood. We voluntarily did not walk Tibe after the incident confining him to walk and play in our large fenced yard. That Saturday morning, Emma and I we walking by a neighbor’s house, one of the neighbor’s who testified that Tibe should be put down. There were four or five people gathered. Three of them were people we knew, people we had walked dogs with for many months. They did not speak to us. They looked away. Emma wanted to come over and see the other dogs and say hi to her friends, but before we could, the neighbor shrieked and ran behind her fence. Then she said, oh, it is just Emma, I thought you were walking Tiberius. Readers, you know these two dogs do not look alike. There was nervous energy surrounding these people gathered because they were organizing a call in campaign to Animal Control. I did not know that at the time.
The next day, another neighbor came over to our house, with her dog to talk to us. She wanted to know what happened with Tibe, and she wanted us to know that people were organizing in the neighborhood to call in complaints to animal control. They called her to ask her to complain. She refused. Her visit to us that Sunday was so profoundly meaningful. It helped us to understand the dynamics of what would unfold. It also reminded us that not everyone would join the angry mob. In her visit, she recognized our humanity and our vulnerability, and she stood with us, resisting the isolation that helps bullies thrive. I am so grateful for her kindness, her voice, and her action.
I continue to believe that one of the most profound actions we can take as humans is to listen to one another and witness humanity with one another. I honor and appreciate these people who have used their voices to help me at difficult times. I hope that I continue to have opportunities to do the same for others. I understand the immediate appeal of being part of the angry mob, of being in with the cool girls, but I think we are called as humans to something greater. We are called to find our best selves outside the frenzied cabal. We are called to hear and witness people’s profound, large, and messy emotions.
Two photos of Tibe and me, including a selfie! (For the bigoted bullies, this constitutes further evidence of my inadequacy as a dog owner. On the couch! Oh, no! Hugging the dog! So wrong! For the rest of us, these a two snapshots of me and my beloved dog.)
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