Open Letter: It Is Patently Absurd that You Do Not Manufacture Hoverboards with Larger Rims
Pay close attention to this correspondence, sirs, for I am about to save your business from a crash-and-burn that would make the Hindenburg look like a fourth of July sparkler. Failure in this matter will render you irrevocably the batting-headed waste flingers you appear to be.
You must begin manufacturing hoverboards with larger rims at once!
It takes nothing more than a shitty glance to see that large rims are a status item that spans all worlds. From priceless racing cars belonging to the oldest-money tweed-wearing stuff-shirts of Lord Chichester’s drawing room to the dirt yard whips of Atlanta’s most dangerous trap houses, big rims speak loudly. When they do they say “status.” And yet, your ridiculous conveyance manages but a few inches of rims.
What size are the rear rims of the Koenigsegg One:1, currently the world’s most technologically advanced road-going car? Twenty inches.
Upon what size rims did T Pain, also known as “Teddy Pender-ass,” roll up to the club in R. Kelly’s song “I’m a Flirt?” (I remind you that upon rolling up, assembled shorties were like “Damn!”) The answer is: twenty eight inches.
If you need any further evidence than these two examples, I invite you to check yourself into the nearest sanitarium wearing a placard that reads “Lobotomize with Force.”
Honestly. Do you really expect me and my family to glide effortlessly from the Tennis Store next to the shuttered Blockbuster to the Starbucks (inside the Target) on your hoverboards with our feet no higher off the ground than a rat’s teat? What will the neighborhood say?
Probably: “Hey, nice rims, dickweeds! Did you steal those off a shopping cart?”
And what can we possibly reply? Naturally a family-on-family battle ensues, but with what witty repartee? Zero, is what. And why? Because they are right.The rims are too small, and it is your fault.
Stop flopping around in the world of business like a fish in a box of foam peanuts. Get serious. Either manufacture your hoverboards with large rims — and I mean large — or fit them with hubs so that users can install large aftermarket rims. To do otherwise is to insult the universe, and the universe will crush you for the slight.
