The Paradox of Completeness
Synopsis: paradox of completeness — things are in the state that they are in — part of a process, not incomplete
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I think one of the most important things we can learn to do is to suspend judgement. Notice the word “suspend.”
I have in the past taught meditation, and even have a basic video up on YouTube. And I remember a few people who would complain that meditation wasn’t “getting them anywhere.” Or words to that effect.
It was and is hard to explain that meditation is goal-less. It’s not a contest, not a test of endurance, and there are no “results.” You sit in order to sit. More on this in a couple of weeks.
I never could come up with a plausible explanation about this
…and this is my impartial judgement…
Black and white thinking is to “blame,” in a sense, as we drop whatever into the great judgement blender, hit “high,” and see what pours out. We are conditioned to think that everything ought to mean something, and ought to be going somewhere, and ought to be getting us positive results.
So, for example, you put your relationship through this exercise in “rightness,” or “fitness,” and judge both the relationship and your partner. You assume that you are doing this both honestly, and impartially.
Except you aren’t, because we can’t
Suspending judgement is all about figuring out what your insides feel like when you are judging, and then just watching for a bit. Not to find something else to judge about, but to watch the internal processes, the convolutions, required to keep on judging.
Usually when I broach this idea, some people will tie their knickers in a knot, and think that I’m saying that they have no right to judge. By this they mean have no right to prefer one thing over another. This is not the case.
The piece I’m pushing you to acknowledge is that all judgement is a characteristic of your self. By this I mean, it’s your game.
It never has to do with what you are judging. Ever.
I think, at some level, we know this, which is why, when pressed, people start dragging in outside references, such as “Everyone knows…” or “I read a book that said…” or “My group of people believe…” And this is why holidays with the family can be so messy.
You’ve no doubt had the experience of “going home,” and hearing a relative describe a situation you were a part of… except! They have it all wrong! It didn’t happen that way!
Suspending judgement is all about figuring out what your insides feel like when you are judging, and then just watching for a bit.
If you are silly, you try to smarten them up. As in, get them to buy your version, which of course is factually true, and un-embellished. Yeah, right.
Anyway, I think you get my point. And the same is true for everything we confront.
We need to take the time to just see ourselves in action, then, and smile. And to remind ourselves that, right at this moment, everything is complete. And everything is a part of a process that ends when you die.
I’m sitting in the guest bedroom at my mom-in-law’s, and I just looked up and saw two family photos, one from around 1990, the other from 1996. The older people in the photo, like me, look similar (except in 1996 I’d briefly shaved off my beard and mustache.) My niece and nephew, on the other hand…
In the first photo, they both look like little kids. In the second, they are 12 and 10. Lisa is only a couple of inches shorter than me.
OK, so were they incomplete in the older photos?
No, you say, rolling your eyes at me.
Well, why or why not?
When you pop into judgement, say, about your relationship, you are saying, in effect, “Back then (when I was happily relating) it was “complete” (good, functional, whatever) and now it sucks.” This would be the equivalent of my saying that my niece and nephew were “wrong” in 1996.
So, what am I looking for here?
Try this, (using our relationship example): “Before, it was complete the way it was, and now it is complete the way it is. I have changed, and complete, for me, right now, is (for example) to leave.”
In other words, to be honest. What is going on for you right now is what is going on for you right now. It is not dictated by the behaviour of others, nor of the world. How you “be” and how you act is determined solely by you, and it is complete.
If you are not dead, it and you will also change, and then you will be something else. Again, dictated by you and your processes.
Like my niece and nephew, who changed from kids into adults, and are who they are today is based solely on their choices.
Keep an eye on your judgements; how quickly you jump into blame or shame. Notice how you mess with yourself, and then try to justify it by finger pointing. Just sit with your pull toward making “now” wrong or incomplete.
Accept now as it is, and let it flow, as it always does, into another now. Breathe, and just be with it.
Then, with a clear head, decide what to do next, to complete what is already complete.
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