From Bad Decisions to Leading for Jesus
I was raised in a very committed Catholic family where works, church attendance, and being good earned salvation and good standing with my parents. I grew up well aware of my “bad” decisions, thoughts, and desire for rebellion. My image of God was that of a judge and priests were the jury. When I was 8 years old, my life was turned upside down. My mother lost a two-year battle to breast cancer and my loving 54-year-old father raised my two brothers and me.
At an early age I was exposed to my neighbors collection of pornography, unknowingly supplied by his dad. Being the typical teenage boy I littered my walls with sports pennants and posters of bikini clad women. My father gave us a lot of latitude as he struggled to corral us 24 hours a day. As long as we attended Catholic school and church every week, he felt we were on the right spiritual path. My engagement with God was purely cerebral. My understanding and acceptance of Him had never reached my heart. I came to realize later my anger about losing my mom was directed at Him. I believed God could have saved her and dealt me a bad hand as a way to punish me for being a bad child. Not surprisingly my church path came to a head when I told my father I was not going through with confirmation. My justification being I did not understand what I was confirming. I believed God existed, but spoke about him as a distant friend, who I was to adore and love. It was a badge of honor at the time and embarrassing to admit now. Attendance to church waned as I gained independence and went off to college.
My life as a college student revolved around an unhealthy dose of partying, making money, buying stuff and some studying. From the outside I probably looked like a guy who had it all together. But in the dark areas of my life addiction to pornography had a stronghold over me that I couldn’t break. At the time I had no idea the havoc it would wreak on my relationships and eventually with my first wife.
Sticking to the plan of graduating with my degree and first job offer; getting married seemed the natural progression of success. I married a young lady who happened to be my girlfriend while in college. However, we lacked true commitment and emotional connection. The images I had exposed my soul to over time from magazine and online websites now poisoned my impression of love and respect. A picture was easy, as it didn’t require my feelings, words, or result in rejection or abandonment. The emergence of the Internet made images even more accessible. The marriage did not last long and we drifted apart in year six. I drowned my pity in irresponsible drinking and dating. I felt life (God) had dealt me a bad hand and that I deserved to indulge myself.
I had been invited to ACF shortly after college and was attracted to the welcoming feel. The pastor appeared to be as imperfect as me and certainly less judgmental than the Catholic priests. However, I was not ready to give up my selfish desires or control of my life. Attending church was more about feeling good than honoring or worshipping the one who died for me. Fortunately Will and his father in law Bob noticed me and pursued me before and after services. I remember Bob following me all the way out to my car and talking to me even as I drove away. I now think of that moment with Bob when I picture how God relentlessly pursues us.
Even though I was dropping in to ACF more frequently, meeting with the therapist often, and getting to know other ACFers, my demons still very much haunted me. I was at a pivotal point in my life. In February of 2004 I joined a group of single adults on a ski trip to New Mexico. The skiing and socializing drew me in. Little did I know Jesus had much more in store for me. Will joined us on that trip and shared a story of a Samaritan woman who meets Jesus at the well. As he spoke about drinking from empty wells, the emptiness of my life echoed in my chest. Overcome with emotion, God reached in and grabbed my heart. My soul would not be quenched by the ways of this world. I made a conscious verbal decision that night to give my life to Christ. It was one of the clearest moments in memory. I returned from New Mexico a new creation. “The old was gone, the new had come.”
A week later I made another important decision to attend my first men’s retreat. It was the historical bonfire night where several men revealed their lure to pornography. I made a declaration of war against the strongholds that Satan had held against me and solicited the support of Godly men to walk with me. God’s plan to make me new was perfect. He placed me in community, surrounded me with other men, and gave me an amazing thirst for the Word. He walked with me as I sought out serving opportunities and met with me as I prayed. I developed a one-on-one accountability with a man named Pete who shared similar struggles. More critically we shared a realization of our brokenness and need for God’s amazing grace. It was a culmination of events and activities that began the restorative journey of my heart, mind and soul. The path is becoming more and more narrow, the stakes higher, and the blessings greater. I wake up each day a broken man who is poor in spirit. God has dealt amazing blessings in my life that I can never repay. A friend of mine says, “You can’t out-give God.” Daily I attempt to honor Him by pouring myself out to His service.
–Do you have a great Jesus-story you want to share? Keep it under 1000 words and send it to me at joni@acfellowship.org. We’ll let you know if we can use it and the date you can expect to see it published.
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