A Candy Bar

His sudden mad love was a psychological phenomenon. There was no doubt that curiosity had much to do with it, curiosity and the desire for new experiences; yet it was not a simple but rather a very complex passion.
-Oscar Wilde
"The Picture of Dorian Gray"

Twenty-five years ago today

February 15, 1986
Saturday

It was kind of awkward last night when Chad asked, "Are you going to spend the night?"
I never ask him that question when he comes to my place. I just take it for granted that he is going to spend the night. I left in the morning.
I explained, "I'm going to leave now because I want to go to an art supply shop to get started on a portfolio."
Chad was very accommodating to my leaving. It was almost as if he wanted me to leave. Oh well.

I went to mom's house for breakfast and then I invited mom to accompany me to Standard Brands Paints and Crafts store. I bought twenty-nine dollars worth of ART goods. Afterwards, mom and I stopped at the newly opened McDonald's in Alameda on Shoreline Drive. I dropped her home after lunch and went straight to my pad to do some sketching and other art graphic-related creations. I worked most of the afternoon on this one sketch.

Mom stopped by to bring me a couple of sharpened pencils along with my travel coupons that she received in her mailbox. The travel coupons were incentive prizes from my sales at work. I had forgotten that I'd left the coupons at her house. Mom straightened up my place while I continued to sketch. She left after making my pad 'spic and span'.

I telephoned Chad about going to see actor Kevin Bacon in the new QUICKSILVER film.
"I wish I could go but I have no money," Chad informed me.
I didn't want him to expect me to pay his way so I said, "Oh well…I guess I'll go by myself…or maybe I won't even go. I don't know."
Chad replied, "You do that. I've got to run."
He abruptly hung up the phone.

I called Denise Vinsonhaler and we arranged to meet at BAXTER's.

Judy called from Sacramento. She was calling from her girlfriend's house (Shelly) to invite me to some party tomorrow night "in Sacramento"!
Judy said, "Don't worry—you can spend the night at my house and we can drive in to the City together on Monday."

As soon as I hung up the phone it rang again. This time it was Bonni Jayne and Suzy Miller calling.
"Hey Mike, let's meet for a drink at the RUSTY PELICAN," Suzy stated.
"Well, I don't really feel like going out."
Sue and Bonni were so insistent that they decided to come over to my place to persuade me.

Chad called me back.
"You know, Mike. Larry overheard our conversation earlier and he said he'd lend me some money."
I realized I wanted to be with Chad most of all, so I skedaddled Sue and Bonni out of my pad, telling them that I had to meet this friend of mine.
I ended up meeting Chad at SOUTHLAND MALL in Hayward. I was the first to arrive. Chad appeared at around ten o'clock. I offered him some of my Reese's Peanut Butter cup.
"No thanks. I don't want any."
He seemed to be acting his usual aloof way.
The QUICKSILVER movie started and during the first quarter of the flick I noticed him eating a candy bar.
After he took the last bite of his candy bar I asked him, "You don't believe in sharing?"
My statement made him feel bad.
Chad had said earlier, "I stopped at my friend…Greg's place and that's why I was late."
I felt like I had to bounce back and I did so by saying, "Well, Judy called me about a party in Sacramento. I think I will go."
I already knew that Chad had plans to go skiing on Monday with his folks. I really hadn't made any definitive decisions for myself. Throughout the rest of the movie Chad sat very far from his seat and 'away from me'. I felt the tension. It was clear his body language was saying he did not want to be near me.


After the movie Chad didn't say one word and went directly to the men's room. I stayed outside, waiting for him. I didn't like the "vibes". There was clearly some sort of lack of communication between the two of us.
I wanted to break the ice, so I said, "I thought the movie as pretty action-packed. I liked it."
I later learned that he hated the movie. He later confided that he wanted to walk out. The truth of the matter is that he had other things on his mind.


I walked with Chad to his car.
Chad said, "I'll drive you to your car."
I could tell that we were both trying to decide what to do next. When he drove me to my parked car Chad gave me a 'Well, get out of my car' look. I remained in his car.
Chad finally said, "I wish I wasn't in such a financial bind…but once I finish school and have my degree all of that will change."
I kind of ignored his statement. I didn't feel like talking finances, knowing how much I owe on my credit cards.
I simply asked, "Well, do you want to come over to my house?"
"I appreciate the offer but I'd rather not."
I said, "Okay, I'll see you later."
I immediately opened his passenger car door and started to open my car door as I heard him drive off.


I went home, thinking and wondering whether he'd still come over. I kept a stiff upper lip. I wondered if he was seeing someone else. I decided to just go to bed when the phone rang. It was Chad.
"You seemed rather upset when I left and I wanted to talk."
We exchanged words and I remember Chad saying, "I feel like I don't really know you after all."
"That's rubbish. You've known me for three months! And I've known you for the same length of time! Of course we know each other," I blurted swiftly.
I wondered what he was getting at. It all boiled down to his finances.
Chad confessed, "You don't realize how tight my budget is and how I have to save to move out by May for a deposit and a new place."
"You know you can move-in here for two-hundred and fifty dollars a month without having to pay a deposit!"
Chad concurred, "It would be more economical."
I said, "I wish I could do what Larry's done…but there's no way."
We argued a bit more and I explained how I owe money.
Chad contradicted me by saying, "I know for a fact about the savings you have."
Regardless to what I had heard I had made my point. He made his. Our lack of communication had to do with money. What else? If it's not sex, love, money, power or fame—what else could it be? We ended on a good note of how we really care about each other. We both agreed that we don't want to lose it.

Age, such as I have reached, of course brings other interpretations. Our veins harden, and so do our opinions.
-John Katzenbach
"The Analyst"