Failing the Cause

I’m all for every individual’s right to express who they are and be respected for that. I’m for inclusion, cultural openness and everything fluffy and nice.

But there is a problem.

I haven’t asked around, so I don’t know if my theory holds water at all – but isn’t the ability to navigate in a fluid social world infinitely harder for introverts/socially inept/insecure people? I know my fear of social interaction has become worse, because there’s not only the possibility of getting names wrong or messing up my small talk by stuttering – now I can also get pronouns wrong or say ‘Merry Christmas’ to someone who gets offended.

Let me say it again: I’m all for social progress. It’s just that the more complexity we acknowledge, the more risk we run of doing or saying the wrong thing – and some of us are really, really afraid of that. Say that I’ve read the advice to ask new people I meet what their pronouns are. That’s all well and good. I want to know them. But to actually ask? To step out on that high wire and risk having the person look at me like I’m from another planet, because they have no idea what the hell a pronoun even is?

Nope. Won’t happen. Horrible, I know. If I’m this rattled, imagine what it must be like for the person who uses non-traditional pronouns, who has to explain every time, and who would welcome my help. They have to live it every day. They can’t choose. I could help carry their burden by normalizing the question.

But I repeat: I have a hard time just venturing outside my door. I expect judgment at every turn: for my looks, my clothes, my posture, my way of speaking. It’s the constant elephant in the room. And I’m in no hurry to feed that elephant by talking about pronouns, especially not with people whose brains shut down if you so much as mention anything remotely connected to grammar.

Neurotic? Maybe. But in this intricate web of colourful humanity, neurosis also has a place. We all learn to live with our shortcomings, and some of us have taken refuge in some simple phrases that have served us well over the years, cultural staples that we’ve finally managed to figure out – like, you know, ‘Merry Christmas’. And it is frightening to realize that those things may not serve you anymore.

It’s even more frightening in a second language (English), because it’s even harder to know what words are acceptable and not. For example, sometimes there’s a perfectly ordinary Swedish word with an English equivalent that I think is a synonym, and then BAM, someone gets offended because no, actually it’s really derogatory.

*deep sigh*

So. I’m not arguing against social and cultural sensitivity. I’m saying that it’s not easy, and if we don’t admit that it’s not easy, we won’t convince people that it’s a good thing. We’re in the middle of a paradigm shift where gender is concerned, and not all people are wired to shout YES, LET’S DO IT! as soon as they hear about a new idea. Conservative and shy people have a role to play in society, too.

I realize that my saying this makes me a bad ally – if indeed I can call myself an ally at all. But I can’t just see one side of the argument, and if I have to sacrifice the halo to be a bridge between the different camps, then so be it. If people’s differences are to be viewed as positive, then that acceptance must be extended to the grouchy nay-sayer in the corner, too.

That said, I know that my own situation would be better if society was more accepting of differences than it is now. If you were allowed to be geeky and ugly and shy and quiet, the very difficulties I’ve described above would diminish. This means that if I summon up the courage to stand by someone else even though it’s scary, it benefits me too, in the long run.

I’m just saying. It’s hard.