Well, it's 2016 and I'm finally breaking down and getting a new phone.

I’ve had this one since the Bush Administration, since 2007. I joke with people, “My phone is so old, it has a dial.”

“LOL,” they go, because, as you well know, I’m fucking hilarious.

It doesn’t have a dial, actually. Exaggeration is often a necessary part of humor, you see. But it is dying. A full charge only makes it half a day and the camera has stopped working. It’s all scratched up. About a year ago, I thought about keeping it forever, getting a new battery and continuing on until my death with the same Bush-era phone. It is a conversation piece. When I bust it out in social situations, people stare at me like I’m wearing a monocle or not taking psych meds.

“Can I see your phone?” they often say. “Wow!”

I am going to miss its buttons. I know I will have to adjust to typing on a screen. If possible, I would like my new phone to not connect to the internet. Long shot, I know. Everybody’s all connected constantly now. Oh, and look, our society is more fucked up than ever. Coincidence? Maybe.

The other day I was at the grocery store and actually saw a teenage girl NOT looking at her phone. It was terrifying. She was actually looking UP.

Talk about retro.