I’ve Been Keeping A Secret

Image by Marty Gabel

I’ve been putting off making this post for some time now—over a year, to be exact, but I don’t think it can wait any longer. I’m getting too many emails and messages and my “excuses” are running thin.

I try to keep as much of my personal life separate from my writing one so there are only a handful of people who know that there’s something wrong with me. Its not life-threatening but it is life-altering.

Anyone who has followed me for any length of time may remember me saying I always fought depression when I finished a book. I didn’t think anything of it because really…when you spend months with a group of characters, you do feel a sense of loss when you have to let them go.

At the beginning of 2014…right after I released A Willow Creek Christmas, the depression followed like normal but this time, it didn’t go away. It hung around until I started to worry, then magically, it was gone.

I started writing Wanton Angel, had it half-way finished and hated it to the point I started over. Wrote another 40K and hated that also. Half the year was gone and I had no book. I started Wild Horses instead and made good progress then, the depression came back with a vengeance. After weeks of pretending to write I knew it was time to see a doctor.

Long story short, the depression appears to be here to stay. I was prescribed multiple medications, most of which left me in a zombie-like state where I did nothing but sleep and try to function when awake. It took months and nearly a dozen different meds to find one that worked. Little to no writing was accomplished during this time.

Just when I thought I was going to be able to get back to writing on a regular basis, I started getting weird pains in my hands. Then my arms and legs. My feet and toes hurt until walking was painful and before I knew it, it felt as if I had been hit by a truck. The fatigue came shortly after and I was sleeping anywhere from 12-14 hours a day. It was as if I had the flu every day except there was no head/chest congestion. That weak, can barely lift your head feeling, was my new normal.

More trips to the doctor and tons of test later showed signs of possible Lupus so a specialist was scheduled. I found out in November that it is not Lupus but the doctor still has no diagnosis for me. I’m leaning toward Fibromyalgia but I’ll wait until the doctor tells me its that. I go back January 12th for another visit. We’ll just wait and see what happens then.

The majority of 2015 was spent in bed, either in pain, so fatigued I couldn’t wake up, or depressed to the point I had no desire to move, and as many of you know, my writing has suffered because of it. As of now, I’m still writing and I have no plans to stop but it’s a very slow process. I can go days and feel like my old self, write like the wind and wake up the next day in so much pain I can barely move. The brain-fog hits and its all I can do to remember simple tasks. My forgetfulness is a major problem and if it weren’t for my planner, I’d be completely lost.

I live with this pain daily and thankfully my meds ease the majority of it but my fingers ache constantly and typing isn’t fun, but I push through because I have to. It’s taking me forever to get Wild Horses finished and just when I think I’m almost there, that I can get done by a certain date, I’m laid low and end up in bed for a week. The harder I push myself, the worse the fatigue gets so every thing I do has to be done slowly or I pay the price. Just cleaning the house takes its toll on me.

So, for those of you who have waited so patiently for the next book, Thank You! I appreciate your support and for waiting when the waiting has gone so long it’s ridiculous. Just know that I am writing. It may only be a few hundred words a day or a few lines, but I’m doing what I can when my health allows.

I’ll be making a few changes in 2016. I’ll no longer be writing my article on the Sweethearts of the West blog. I didn’t feel like I should continue when things were so iffy with me. If I can’t give them my best, I’d rather bow out and let someone who can, take my spot. I’ll also be cutting back on the Friday First Kiss posts here on the blog. I’ll not be scheduling them weekly but will occasionally put one up when I have a new book or a friend has a special release.

For now I’m concentrating on what is most important and thats the stories. I’m trying to schedule Facebook posts in advance for those times when I’m stretched out across the bed and can’t get up so if I don’t reply right away, I’m not ignoring you…chances are, I’m having another pain flair or the depression has taken hold again.

Here’s to hoping 2016 is a better year, one filled with tons of new books! Thanks for sticking with me when I get quiet. I’ll always be back around eventually so don’t give up on me just yet. I have too many stories to tell!

Happy New Year, everyone!!

The post I’ve Been Keeping A Secret appeared first on USA TODAY Best Selling Romance Author, Lily Graison.