Are You Really The Average of Your 5 Friends
I am going to tell you a secret: I am not particularly good with people. I know, it is a bold statement. I know, most guys writing a blog about living a successful life would not admit it, but oh well… This is how I am.
Is not that I am not good at reading people, understanding them, figuring out their needs and desires, no, it’s none of the kind. I just get bored with most people after a couple of minutes. I don’t really have much patience or energy to listen to stories about how Mike said X about Stacy and then Brenda did Y to Mike’s sister who in turn…
I am sorry but my time is too precious for that. I had people saying that I am snobbish, – which was a huge surprise -, while others had told me that I distance myself from conversations. I admit that my tolerance with people is not very high, in fact if you fuck it up in our first conversation I will need to be really bored to come out and talk with you again.
My Good Ol’ Friends
For a long time I had an exception to the rule that was with my long time friends. These guys were my luff of fresh air and we would talk about football, girls and whatever conversation alcohol brought our way. But lately I’ve been finding myself more and more quiet. They go on talking about if Ronaldo is better than Messi or if Van Gall is an utter lunatic or a pure genius and I find myself doing it, I physically withdraw myself from the conversation.
The thing is I love to talk about my work, I love to talk about philosophy and subjects that challenge me. I have no problem in having a conversation with you about quantum mechanics even though I wasn’t able to finish Math on the 10th grade.
I don’t enjoy conversations that are just bullshit talking or nonsense and laughing really hard like we are retarded about something that is not even THAT funny. Of course that I also have my moments where I am out of control, but I wouldn’t describe it as my modus operandi.
I like to have talks about things that make me excited. My work excites me. I love to talk about writing, literature, complex philosophical shit, traveling, adventures, art, social dynamics, whatever gets me going. The difference is not so much about the topic at hand but mostly about the depth of the conversation.
Will I learn something? Will this add up to my life? Will I think about this tomorrow when I wake up?
If not, then I really don’t want to have it.
And this time, for the first time in my life, I decided to take away from my friends that carte blanche and I will go through 2016 as a period of my life in which I will redefine my social circle.
The Average of 5
Probably you already heard this somewhere. I don’t know who said it for the first time, but someone that lived in this planet once upon a time said it: “You are the average of the 5 people you spend most time with“.
But as any other motivational quote that you saw embedded in a sunset picture you shrugged your shoulders and kept scrolling down the Facebook feed. If this looks similar to what you did let me tell you a story:
In the Fall of 2013 myself and 3 other friends of mine did a legendary North American Road Trip, (you can read more here: 21 Surprising Lessons You’ll Learn On A Road Trip Through the US ). We drove from Boston to Los Angeles for 3 months and during that time I can guarantee you that every single one of us broke emotionally in more than one way.
I remember clearly the first time I broke. It was the first time that I had a panic attack in my life! We were in New Orleans and while I was writing an article on my Ipad I felt a sudden lack of air. I had to go outside. I run for the door and sat on the ledge of the sidewalk facing the parking lot. I hid myself between two cars, I had reached my breaking point. I felt like crying. “What the fuck?”, I thought “I never feel like crying, I don’t remember the last time I did it but, but…” I stayed there for a while, deep breathing and clearing my head.
It lasted for 30 minutes then I sat back and kept writing like nothing had happened. I was smiling and cracking jokes again. I was fine. I just needed to let all that accumulated energy to go.
Where There is Conflict There is Life
I cracked under pressure because for the last 2 months or so we were like contestants on a reality TV show. The only difference is that instead of being locked inside a house we were in a car. We argued, we left things unsaid because we couldn’t cope with the energy of another argument, we disagreed and accumulated frustrations along the way. We were eating fast food almost every single meal and sleeping on the floor of strangers living rooms were a constant.
At first you don’t feel it, but as the weeks go by tensions accumulate and that warm cozy comfort that you were used to seems more and more as an illusion from a distant past.
What is funny is that having spent 3 months with these guys I’ve never felt more challenged in my life. (I think that the fact that all of us are Life Coaches helps with the constant pushing of each other).
And still it was one of the periods of greatest conflict in my life: with myself, with others and with my circumstances. I don’t know if I was in fact the average of the 3 of us, but it is refreshing and exciting to being constantly put to the test. Of course it is annoying when you’re there, but after you think about it, it is in fact what friendship is for: to call out your friend’s bullshit without feelings getting hurt in the process.
A Final Word on Changing
Before you go around and cut contacts with every single person you ever had a conversation with, I don’t think that is the most enlightened thing to do. More often than not those people who decide to cut ties with the past in a radical way end up finding themselves were they were just a couple of months ago, doing the exact same things with the exact same people and end up feeling frustrated in the process.
What I believe you should do is exactly what I will be doing: be picky with the people you invite to hang out with you and don’t go out for drinks with someone you don’t feel good with just because you know each other for a long time. That’s a crappy argument. The incredible thing is that this changes with time: today you might feel perfectly fine with your social circle but in six months, or six years, you might find yourself looking in the mirror and asking your reflection: “Why the fuck do I spend time with those morons?”
This is one of those things that you need to re-evaluate every few months and change things around accordingly with that.
But if there is one piece of advice that I truly believe that you should take to heart that is: Hang around your heroes.
Identify them and become their friends. You will never grow up as much as when you are surrounded by people that push you to the higher version of yourself, constantly.
Is not that I am not good at reading people, understanding them, figuring out their needs and desires, no, it’s none of the kind. I just get bored with most people after a couple of minutes. I don’t really have much patience or energy to listen to stories about how Mike said X about Stacy and then Brenda did Y to Mike’s sister who in turn…
I am sorry but my time is too precious for that. I had people saying that I am snobbish, – which was a huge surprise -, while others had told me that I distance myself from conversations. I admit that my tolerance with people is not very high, in fact if you fuck it up in our first conversation I will need to be really bored to come out and talk with you again.
My Good Ol’ Friends
For a long time I had an exception to the rule that was with my long time friends. These guys were my luff of fresh air and we would talk about football, girls and whatever conversation alcohol brought our way. But lately I’ve been finding myself more and more quiet. They go on talking about if Ronaldo is better than Messi or if Van Gall is an utter lunatic or a pure genius and I find myself doing it, I physically withdraw myself from the conversation.
The thing is I love to talk about my work, I love to talk about philosophy and subjects that challenge me. I have no problem in having a conversation with you about quantum mechanics even though I wasn’t able to finish Math on the 10th grade.
I don’t enjoy conversations that are just bullshit talking or nonsense and laughing really hard like we are retarded about something that is not even THAT funny. Of course that I also have my moments where I am out of control, but I wouldn’t describe it as my modus operandi.
I like to have talks about things that make me excited. My work excites me. I love to talk about writing, literature, complex philosophical shit, traveling, adventures, art, social dynamics, whatever gets me going. The difference is not so much about the topic at hand but mostly about the depth of the conversation.
Will I learn something? Will this add up to my life? Will I think about this tomorrow when I wake up?
If not, then I really don’t want to have it.
And this time, for the first time in my life, I decided to take away from my friends that carte blanche and I will go through 2016 as a period of my life in which I will redefine my social circle.
The Average of 5
Probably you already heard this somewhere. I don’t know who said it for the first time, but someone that lived in this planet once upon a time said it: “You are the average of the 5 people you spend most time with“.
But as any other motivational quote that you saw embedded in a sunset picture you shrugged your shoulders and kept scrolling down the Facebook feed. If this looks similar to what you did let me tell you a story:
In the Fall of 2013 myself and 3 other friends of mine did a legendary North American Road Trip, (you can read more here: 21 Surprising Lessons You’ll Learn On A Road Trip Through the US ). We drove from Boston to Los Angeles for 3 months and during that time I can guarantee you that every single one of us broke emotionally in more than one way.
I remember clearly the first time I broke. It was the first time that I had a panic attack in my life! We were in New Orleans and while I was writing an article on my Ipad I felt a sudden lack of air. I had to go outside. I run for the door and sat on the ledge of the sidewalk facing the parking lot. I hid myself between two cars, I had reached my breaking point. I felt like crying. “What the fuck?”, I thought “I never feel like crying, I don’t remember the last time I did it but, but…” I stayed there for a while, deep breathing and clearing my head.
It lasted for 30 minutes then I sat back and kept writing like nothing had happened. I was smiling and cracking jokes again. I was fine. I just needed to let all that accumulated energy to go.
Where There is Conflict There is Life
I cracked under pressure because for the last 2 months or so we were like contestants on a reality TV show. The only difference is that instead of being locked inside a house we were in a car. We argued, we left things unsaid because we couldn’t cope with the energy of another argument, we disagreed and accumulated frustrations along the way. We were eating fast food almost every single meal and sleeping on the floor of strangers living rooms were a constant.
At first you don’t feel it, but as the weeks go by tensions accumulate and that warm cozy comfort that you were used to seems more and more as an illusion from a distant past.
What is funny is that having spent 3 months with these guys I’ve never felt more challenged in my life. (I think that the fact that all of us are Life Coaches helps with the constant pushing of each other).
And still it was one of the periods of greatest conflict in my life: with myself, with others and with my circumstances. I don’t know if I was in fact the average of the 3 of us, but it is refreshing and exciting to being constantly put to the test. Of course it is annoying when you’re there, but after you think about it, it is in fact what friendship is for: to call out your friend’s bullshit without feelings getting hurt in the process.
A Final Word on Changing
Before you go around and cut contacts with every single person you ever had a conversation with, I don’t think that is the most enlightened thing to do. More often than not those people who decide to cut ties with the past in a radical way end up finding themselves were they were just a couple of months ago, doing the exact same things with the exact same people and end up feeling frustrated in the process.
What I believe you should do is exactly what I will be doing: be picky with the people you invite to hang out with you and don’t go out for drinks with someone you don’t feel good with just because you know each other for a long time. That’s a crappy argument. The incredible thing is that this changes with time: today you might feel perfectly fine with your social circle but in six months, or six years, you might find yourself looking in the mirror and asking your reflection: “Why the fuck do I spend time with those morons?”
This is one of those things that you need to re-evaluate every few months and change things around accordingly with that.
But if there is one piece of advice that I truly believe that you should take to heart that is: Hang around your heroes.
Identify them and become their friends. You will never grow up as much as when you are surrounded by people that push you to the higher version of yourself, constantly.
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