A Bad Movie Roundup
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! If you’re anything like me, you love terrible films. In the bad movie club to which I belong, Yakmala, we’ve watched a lot of truly awful crimes against good taste. Here are some reviews to keep you nice and warm and maybe pick an enjoyably bad flick to work off that Christmas/New Year hangover.
After Earth: Charisma is real. Nepotism is a choice.
After Last Season: *stunned silence*
Alex Cross: Alex Cross is here to promote family values and kick ass. And he’s all out of family.
Ator, the Fighting Eagle: A baby bear was destined to help him marry his sister
The Avengers: Mmm… quite.
Barbarian Queen: Pretty much everyone is going to touch whatever they want
Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000: Prepare to go for the exits
Battle of the Year: Maybe one guy is watching, and not for the reasons you’d hope.
The Beaver: He’s the last nail in the coffin of Mel Gibson’s career.
Blood Freak: A Dracula on Thanksgiving!
Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo: My community center is being torn down to make a shopping mall. I dance for pennies on the street, and spend all of it on day-glo rags and leather gloves. I have no health insurance and have to go to a hospital staffed entirely by strippers. I am the 99%.
Bride of the Monster: Lugosi was paid in morphine. Cheap morphine.
Catwoman: Catch her in a giant cardboard box.
The Cocaine Fiends: The white dust from Walgreens!
Color of Night: One Killer, and No, She Didn’t Gnaw Her Victims to Death With Her Giant Horse Teeth.
The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course: Crappy!
Deathstalker: The Grease of the Pecs… the Creepiness of Everyone…
Devil: Bad things happen because The Sixth Sense made a lot of money.
Diamond Ninja Force: His mustache demanded vengeance…
Double Down: The Bourne Incomprehensibility
Escape from Galaxy 3: In space, no one can hear you moan.
Fireproof: Women Are People Too, Just a Lesser Version
Flashdance: Take your passion, and 33% of you will make it happen!
From Justin to Kelly: The embarrassing contractual obligations of two American Idols
Glen or Glenda: The ordinary case of a man who changed his CLOTHES!
Gor: Gor! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
Gymkata: The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate, the thrill of lawn care.
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle: …is the hand that punches Rebecca De Mornay in the face
The Human Centipede (First Sequence): 100% medically accurate. In Germany.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale: Rise and farm
Judge Dredd: The team up only 1995 could give us: Stallone and Schneider!
Kindergarten Ninja: I can think of two things wrong with that title.
Man of Steel: In the grim darkness of the present, there is only angst.
“Manos” The Hands of Fate: I’m the Master, and I Approved This Message!
The Man Who Saves the World: The Scarecrow was only half right.
Miami Connection: Tae Kwon! Tae Kwon! Tae Kwon Do!
Next: Nicolas Cage owes the government millions of dollars. Let’s see what he’ll do now.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge: Someone is coming on Elm Street’s back!
Ninja Thunderbolt: We’re not racist, but…
No Holds Barred: No Shirt. No Shoes. No Homo.
North: A family comedy that makes you wonder why you have a family at all.
Omoo-Omoo the Shark God: Terrible Acting! Baffling Camerawork!
Paparazzi: Bo knows homicide
Passion Play: Thank goodness, helpful Indians!
Perfect Stranger: How Long Can You Stay Awake Watching People Chat Online?
Plan 9 from Outer Space: Who Did What To the Who Now?
Prometheus: Seventeen idiots shot into space. No way this goes bad.
Quigley: Dog backwards is God. So this is high concept stuff.
Samurai Cop: He’s here to chew bubblegum and disrespect Japanese culture… and he’s all out of bubblegum.
Sex Madness: Keep that dick holstered, cowboy. There are laws in this town.
The Spirit: What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? I’m the goddamn Spirit!
Starcrash: A long time ago in a galaxy free of litigation…
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones: A Jedi Shall Not Know Anger. Nor Emotion. Nor Acting Lessons.
Stealth: Fear the Vag
Steel: Man. Basketball. Food. Hammer. Noun.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: Some fight for real estate. Some fight for pianos.
Street Trash: Um… so… that happened…
Sucker Punch: You Will Be Unprepared (As With Most Rape)
Tiptoes: Midgets, Midgets Everywhere!
Troll 2: The original boogeyman called in sick, so we dressed some midgets in sacks
Tuff Turf: Meet Morgan Hiller. He just wants his bike back.
Twilight: What’s a little pedophilia between friends?
The Twilight Saga: New Moon: Necrophilia or Bestiality: One Girl’s Sexy Choice
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Two men must choose: an unattractive girl or hot, hot gay sex.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1: Forever is only the beginning
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2: The epic finale that seems to last forever
The Warrior and the Sorceress: An age of fat guys and grunting lizards… of shin-kicks and inconvenience.
Winter’s Tale: This is not a true story. True stories generally make a lick of sense.
Yor, the Hunter from the Future: He’s the man.
There you have it! A bevy of bad for a (really) long weekend!
Filed under: Projected Pixels and Emulsion, Yakmala! Tagged: A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, After Earth, After Last Season, Alex Cross, Ator the Fighting Eagle, Barbarian Queen, Battle of the Year, Battlefield Earth, Blood Freak, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, breaking dawn part 1, breaking dawn part 2, Bride of the Monster, color of night, Deathstalker, devil, Diamond Ninja Force, Double Down, eclipse, Escape from Galaxy 3, Fireproof, Flashdance, From Justin to Kelly, Glen or Glenda, Gor, Gymkata,
