Hard Truth 215: Not Everything Happens for a F****** Reason

When you’ve just collapsed in the waiting room of the ICU wing of a hospital following getting punched in the gut by two words:

He’s gone

There is no reason. There’s no reason for anything. There’s no reason you’re sobbing uncontrollably. There’s no reason you can’t breathe. There’s no reason you have no idea what just happened because 8 minutes ago he was alive and now he’s dead. There’s no reason a 29-year-old man went into the hospital and isn’t coming out.

There’s simply no reason for any of it. Not a single fucking reason.

Today’s hard truth is about reasons — and how sometimes, there just isn’t one.

I don’t subscribe to religion. I can’t attribute what happens in this life to someone or something’s “bigger plan” — which, of course, I’m not privy to. And for those who can do those things — have that faith — I have a certain level of admiration because I’ve never known it.

But I do know — that in spite of trying, digging, researching, questioning, and rationalizing six ways to Sunday — there sometimes just isn’t a reason that bad/dumb/hurtful/crazy shit happens to people.

To me.

To you.

It’s been five years since Jason left my life — our lives — and I still don’t have a response for all the people who said, “Oh, honey — everything happens for a reason.”

Tell me — which reason would that be? Because I just don’t know.

And lemme tell ya, as a human, it’s rough business not knowing.

Because when we know, we can blame.

DEATH: Her cancer had a 1% survival rate — and that’s why it happened.

YOUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN: You left the turkey in the oven while you fell asleep on the couch — that’s why it happened.

YOU LOST THE CONTRACT: The client decided to go with a less expensive vendor — that’s why it happened.

In all those situations, we can blame ourselves. Some thing. Someone.

But sometimes, inexplicable shit happens and we humans are left to deal with not only the business of not knowing, but the business of dealing with the fallout.

My life’s been a 43-year journey that, with each passing year, I realize that I know a bit more and a bit less at the same time.

And I still don’t have the answers for half the shit that’s happened in my life. It’s not about accepting responsibility for the gone-wrong stuff, either. I’m a master in blaming myself. But I’ve had to become more comfortable with not knowing.

It’s also helped me keep from saying dumb shit — like, “Everything happens for a reason” — to someone who’s just had one of life’s inexplicable moments explode right before their eyes.

I know it’s easy to say. I’ve said it. I just don’t say it anymore.

So maybe the next time you feel compelled to drop an, “Everything happens for a reason” on someone who’s just had the shit kicked out of them, here are a few alternatives that make everyone look (and feel) like less of an asshole:

I’m sorry this happened. How can I help?

I know that nothing I can say right now will make this better, but I’m here. And I care.

Jesus. That sucks. I’m sorry. Want to grab a drink?

Because not everything happens for a fucking reason. And in a world filled with cancer that makes parents outlive their children, of mass shootings that turn regular school days into days that will never be forgotten, of bombs that steal limbs, and tragedies incomprehensible…

It’s pretty arrogant to offer up that there’s some ethereal, elusive reason that’s supposed to offer some modicum of comfort when we don’t — and won’t — ever have that answer.

It’s okay to not know. I remind myself of this daily. And I won’t say I’m particularly fond of it, either.

But it’s okay to tell someone that we don’t know and probably never will and have that statement be filled and fueled by an incomparable level of love.

Because not everything “happens for a reason”
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Hard Truth 215: Not Everything Happens for a F****** Reason
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Hard Truth 215: Not Everything Happens for a Fucking Reason
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