Why I Don't Support Idris Elba as Roland Deschain
Okay, look. Imagine, you're in your forties, it's Christmas. Time to hop on a plane and go visit your family.
But when you get there, your grandmother is somebody you don't recognize. She's taller. Younger. A completely different race. The grandma you grew up with favored floral prints and blue jeans, but this lady's wearing a pant suit. The grandma you knew wore bifocals, but this one isn't wearing glasses at all. Her sweet potato casserole isn't the same either. Your grandma's name was Mary, but this lady's name is Sarah.
What the hell is going on? Who is this woman? She's very sweet and not at all unpleasant to spend time with, but she's not your grandmother. This isn't the woman you spent the last forty years growing up with. This isn't the woman that helped change your diapers and feed you when your mom had to work. This isn't the woman that took you to the zoo when you were a kid and started your lifelong obsession with reptiles. This isn't the woman that slapped you for calling your brother a moron when you were twelve.
It's like aliens abducted her and carelessly replaced her with someone that didn't even make sense. Have you lost your mind? Have you developed a delusion?
The worst part--no one else seems to care. Well, except your uncle Dave, and he's as weirded out as you are. And your cousin Sharon seems to have noticed as well, but everybody else? They're fine with this bizarre impostor. Most of them prefer this stranger to the original. They say she's even more grandmothery than your actual grandmother was. In fact, some of them are getting angry at your accusations and want you to leave. You feel like you're taking crazy pills.
Even your grandfather is okay with it--in fact he's more than okay with it: you just saw the two of them dancing their stiff little jitterbug in the kitchen and his hands are all over her.
I know what you're probably thinking. You're probably thinking it before you've even started reading this article: you're a racist! You don't want Idris Elba to play Roland just because he's black!
And you'd be wrong.
His race has very little to do with my rationale for not wanting Elba to play Roland. Indeed, I wouldn't want Chris Hemsworth to play Roland either. Or Danny DeVito. Or John Goodman. Or George Clooney. Or Neal McDonough. Or Charlize Theron. Or Daniel Craig. Or Chris Pratt. And all those people are all white as fuck.
It's because none of them are Roland Deschain.Chris Hemsworth is the right height, but he's too young and the face is wrong.DeVito is about the right age, but he's too short and Roland isn't bald.Goodman is probably the right age, but the face is wrong and Roland is much skinnier than that--he's been walking through the Mohaine Desert for God knows how long. Thousands of years? Roland needs to look like he's halfway to roadkill.Clooney is close, but he doesn't have the personality and he's too handsome.Neither does McDonough, though he has the blue "bombardier eyes". He's also blond, though they could darken his hair--but he's got a babyface. He looks like the brother from Mary Poppins. If he shaved he could probably get carded for cigarettes.Charlize Theron has the personality down like a motherfucker (just look at Imperator Furiosa), but Roland Deschain isn't a woman, though I could very much love a different story about a Charlize gunslinger.Daniel Craig has the eyes and personality, and they could dye his hair, and he might be old enough, but his face is wrong.Chris Pratt is the right height, but everything else is wrong.
None of these people are the Roland that lives in the books and in our hearts. None of these people are the Roland that Michael Whelan painted for the covers of Stephen King's four-decade, 8-book magnum opus. People grew up with this series. It's damn near a religion for some folks. People have tattoos of these characters, their symbols, and the things that they say.
This isn't some third-rate back-alley property nobody cares about.
Roland is a tall, lean man that appears to be between 45 and 60, with pale blue eyes, a weatherbeaten face, and dark hair. He's white, or a similar race (Latino? Italian?). He's earnest, grave, and driven. His actions are dictated by a need to "set right," a man that straightens picture frames in strange motel rooms. He's not necessarily "handsome," but he bears at least a vague physical similarity to Clint Eastwood. That last one I can dither on--there's not a whole lot of folks in the business other than Clint's son Scott that look like him, but if they were going to cast Scott I feel like they already would have. And he's too young anyway.
Idris Elba has the personality. He's got that down to a T. But he doesn't have anything else. He's not Roland, he's someone cosplaying as Roland.
You see what I'm saying yet? I could probably list every actor in Hollywood that shouldn't play Roland Deschain, right here in this blog article, and it would take three months and be 100,000 words long, and 3/4 of the actors in the list would be as white as a snowman's asshole.
Look, they're going to have to rewrite the story to accommodate Elba. Half of The Drawing of the Three and The Wastelands is Susannah freaking out because she's been stolen by a white man out of a reality where she's very iconically battling with prejudice against blacks. Thanks to a mental illness caused by a brick to the head from Jack Mort, she's controlled by a deviant personality called "Detta Walker" and throws tantrums like some kind of insane witch-demon. Detta slings insults at Roland like "honky muhfuh" and "white-bread" and "greymeat." A lot of that dynamic between her and Roland and Eddie, and her personal character growth, centers around her taking control of herself from Detta and becoming one whole person again. That's not going to make a whole lot of sense if Elba is Roland. Take that away and what is Detta Walker going to rage against? That she's being pushed across the beach in a wheelchair by one of the sexiest black men on the face of the planet?
If you're going to rewrite the story that extensively, you might as well just keep on going. Let's just remove Jake, we'll never be able to shoot fast enough to keep his actor from growing out of the role. Why not have Oy be a thirty-foot-tall robot that turns into a Mustang with TruckNutz and eerily human lips? Instead of having Eddie be addicted to smack, let's turn him into a neckbeard and have him complain that he was abducted to Mid-World instead of Equestria. I look forward to the scene where he's lying on the ground sweating and shivering because he can't find any wifi.
Yeah. I think I like that. While we're at it, let's have Michael Bay produce it and Uwe Boll direct it.
You listening, Sony?
But when you get there, your grandmother is somebody you don't recognize. She's taller. Younger. A completely different race. The grandma you grew up with favored floral prints and blue jeans, but this lady's wearing a pant suit. The grandma you knew wore bifocals, but this one isn't wearing glasses at all. Her sweet potato casserole isn't the same either. Your grandma's name was Mary, but this lady's name is Sarah.
What the hell is going on? Who is this woman? She's very sweet and not at all unpleasant to spend time with, but she's not your grandmother. This isn't the woman you spent the last forty years growing up with. This isn't the woman that helped change your diapers and feed you when your mom had to work. This isn't the woman that took you to the zoo when you were a kid and started your lifelong obsession with reptiles. This isn't the woman that slapped you for calling your brother a moron when you were twelve.
It's like aliens abducted her and carelessly replaced her with someone that didn't even make sense. Have you lost your mind? Have you developed a delusion?
The worst part--no one else seems to care. Well, except your uncle Dave, and he's as weirded out as you are. And your cousin Sharon seems to have noticed as well, but everybody else? They're fine with this bizarre impostor. Most of them prefer this stranger to the original. They say she's even more grandmothery than your actual grandmother was. In fact, some of them are getting angry at your accusations and want you to leave. You feel like you're taking crazy pills.
Even your grandfather is okay with it--in fact he's more than okay with it: you just saw the two of them dancing their stiff little jitterbug in the kitchen and his hands are all over her.
I know what you're probably thinking. You're probably thinking it before you've even started reading this article: you're a racist! You don't want Idris Elba to play Roland just because he's black!
And you'd be wrong.
His race has very little to do with my rationale for not wanting Elba to play Roland. Indeed, I wouldn't want Chris Hemsworth to play Roland either. Or Danny DeVito. Or John Goodman. Or George Clooney. Or Neal McDonough. Or Charlize Theron. Or Daniel Craig. Or Chris Pratt. And all those people are all white as fuck.
It's because none of them are Roland Deschain.Chris Hemsworth is the right height, but he's too young and the face is wrong.DeVito is about the right age, but he's too short and Roland isn't bald.Goodman is probably the right age, but the face is wrong and Roland is much skinnier than that--he's been walking through the Mohaine Desert for God knows how long. Thousands of years? Roland needs to look like he's halfway to roadkill.Clooney is close, but he doesn't have the personality and he's too handsome.Neither does McDonough, though he has the blue "bombardier eyes". He's also blond, though they could darken his hair--but he's got a babyface. He looks like the brother from Mary Poppins. If he shaved he could probably get carded for cigarettes.Charlize Theron has the personality down like a motherfucker (just look at Imperator Furiosa), but Roland Deschain isn't a woman, though I could very much love a different story about a Charlize gunslinger.Daniel Craig has the eyes and personality, and they could dye his hair, and he might be old enough, but his face is wrong.Chris Pratt is the right height, but everything else is wrong.
None of these people are the Roland that lives in the books and in our hearts. None of these people are the Roland that Michael Whelan painted for the covers of Stephen King's four-decade, 8-book magnum opus. People grew up with this series. It's damn near a religion for some folks. People have tattoos of these characters, their symbols, and the things that they say.
This isn't some third-rate back-alley property nobody cares about.
Roland is a tall, lean man that appears to be between 45 and 60, with pale blue eyes, a weatherbeaten face, and dark hair. He's white, or a similar race (Latino? Italian?). He's earnest, grave, and driven. His actions are dictated by a need to "set right," a man that straightens picture frames in strange motel rooms. He's not necessarily "handsome," but he bears at least a vague physical similarity to Clint Eastwood. That last one I can dither on--there's not a whole lot of folks in the business other than Clint's son Scott that look like him, but if they were going to cast Scott I feel like they already would have. And he's too young anyway.
Idris Elba has the personality. He's got that down to a T. But he doesn't have anything else. He's not Roland, he's someone cosplaying as Roland.
You see what I'm saying yet? I could probably list every actor in Hollywood that shouldn't play Roland Deschain, right here in this blog article, and it would take three months and be 100,000 words long, and 3/4 of the actors in the list would be as white as a snowman's asshole.
Look, they're going to have to rewrite the story to accommodate Elba. Half of The Drawing of the Three and The Wastelands is Susannah freaking out because she's been stolen by a white man out of a reality where she's very iconically battling with prejudice against blacks. Thanks to a mental illness caused by a brick to the head from Jack Mort, she's controlled by a deviant personality called "Detta Walker" and throws tantrums like some kind of insane witch-demon. Detta slings insults at Roland like "honky muhfuh" and "white-bread" and "greymeat." A lot of that dynamic between her and Roland and Eddie, and her personal character growth, centers around her taking control of herself from Detta and becoming one whole person again. That's not going to make a whole lot of sense if Elba is Roland. Take that away and what is Detta Walker going to rage against? That she's being pushed across the beach in a wheelchair by one of the sexiest black men on the face of the planet?
If you're going to rewrite the story that extensively, you might as well just keep on going. Let's just remove Jake, we'll never be able to shoot fast enough to keep his actor from growing out of the role. Why not have Oy be a thirty-foot-tall robot that turns into a Mustang with TruckNutz and eerily human lips? Instead of having Eddie be addicted to smack, let's turn him into a neckbeard and have him complain that he was abducted to Mid-World instead of Equestria. I look forward to the scene where he's lying on the ground sweating and shivering because he can't find any wifi.
Yeah. I think I like that. While we're at it, let's have Michael Bay produce it and Uwe Boll direct it.
You listening, Sony?
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Craig doesn't look like Roland to me either. The closest I've seen was someone suggested to me earlier today: Michael Biehn, the original Kyle Reese in the first Terminator movie.http://www.grouchoreviews.com/content...
S.A. wrote: "Craig doesn't look like Roland to me either. The closest I've seen was someone suggested to me earlier today: Michael Biehn, the original Kyle Reese in the first Terminator movie.http://www.grouc..."
Walton Goggins looks similar. Never thought of him as Roland. He might be too short, though, at 5'10". Still, a great badass actor. I agree with you completely about having to rewrite too much of the story if Idris gets the part.
Walter Groggins made me think of Timothy Oliphant, his role in Justified is kind of Rolandish. Yeah the original Kyle Reese would be good
Two come to my mind.. Though they could be a bit too old. Sam Elliot and Jeff Bridges. Or,
Karl Urban maybe?
And you're absolutely right about having to re-write the story, so many things about Roland's interactions with his Ka-tet would change if his character was actually black.
Sadly, I can't think of one white actor I'd like to see as Roland. hmmmmm....think think think. Daniel Craig...but he's too short