Do You Know a Narcissist or Are You One?

Some traits at a glance…

1. Perfectionist (Their way or no way at all)

2. Snobbish (They believe they are superior to others)

3. Emotionally Detached (Stays away from true feelings)

4. Demeaning (Likes to bully and put others down)

5. Unremorseful ( Usually do not feel the need to be sorry or offer an apology)

6. Self-Absorbed ( everything is about them)

7. Addictive Personality ( hang on to bad habits, often as a way to cope with their feelings)

8. They Lack Empathy ( They have no interest in your experiences, self-compassion is pretty much all they can feel)

In my memoir Lords Hill “A Place Only God Could Save Me from” I was surrounded by Narcissists’ and I’m here to tell you it is not only a very painful experience at any age, but it destroys the worth and identity of a child (children). I believe for the narcissist that having children is like an obligation to continue the lineage of the family. So, for the most part it is/was “just the thing to do!”

I say this because I have heard several times over from narcissistic mothers Negative nasty comments about the burden and regret about these “extension” of themselves. “I had children, because it was the thing to do. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have any! My husband was Catholic and I had to. I had one and that’s enough of its kind. Children should be born in a closet like a litter of kittens, keep the ones you want and drown the rest! My life could have such and so if I didn’t have you. I was destined to do x y and z, but I got pregnant with you. We would have had a lot more money if we didn’t have all you kids!”

Now, I’m no doctor of phycology, but do these statements sound like they are coming from people who wanted to have children and cheerfully meet the needs of another human-being, outside of their own? What’s makes this even sadder is how they prepare the children for an adulthood of their passive-aggressive treatment. They put this nasty twist on their narcissism with the old bate and switch guilt game of passive aggressiveness. The parents start presenting themselves as the “victims” of rejection and poor treatment by the older and adult children. Somehow you, the child, are unappreciative of their years of love, support and devotion to the “family!” Now, they feel they should be elevated to martyrdom.

Take heart my friends out there, my life was saturated with and to some extent still is overshadowed with some narcissistic people, but we don’t have to live under the burden of their heavy yoke. We need to lug our own baggage and that’s it. These types of people are dragging boulders looking to crush every living thing in it’s path. They live off the identity, self-worth and the good character of others. They can not and will not easily tolerate being challenged.

So how do we live with, around and deal with the narcissist?

1. We set boundaries and limits not for them, but for ourselves as well. Time and space are both great interventions. You need to be armed and ready with mindful thinking before you interact with the narcissist. Have a believable reason / excuse for your time limit, lack of ability to connect with them or simple putting an immediate connection, like a phone call. “I have an appointment in 1 hour, so I will need to leave by such and a time. I was out when you called, it’s still the truth if you were only outside when the phone rang. I’ve been invited to such and such a party / place, but I would still like to see you at some point over the weekend, holiday, whatever. I need to get going, I’m not feeling well, and if you’re around them for very long the truth is your more than likely really not!

2. Sorry folks, but you CAN’T feel sorry for them. Sad for their constant choices to disregard others and drive people away? Yes. For their fate at their own hands? No. They can smell your empathy and it only feeds their self-righteousness. Your relationship is always has been or is very unhealthy and codependent. It was born that way, don’t feel a false sense of responsibility and guilt, because you are daring to live, feel some genuine peace and freedom. Usually when the narcissist is done feasting on one person for a while or as long as we let it happen, they just move on to the next target. Understand something right now, “You are not special” to this type of person. They are equal opportunity perpetrators.

3. Get some healthy well-balanced counseling. Surround yourselves with friends, groups and relationships that support fairness and equality. Reach out to God for not only yourself, but hand them over to Him. Their lives, choices and problems belong to Him, not you. They are to be pity only through His strength in you, not in the worlds version of pit. Remember, even God has rules and boundaries about what He will and will not allow in His kingdom. He does not frown on you being safe, loved and protected.

4. Last, but not least, if any of this sounds familiar to you, especially if you have younger children or any children for that matter. Get help before you destroy innocent lives. If you do not really want children, don’t have any. You will be guilty of bringing forth an unasked for life knowing that you will destroy it. You are and will be answerable to God regardless of whether you believe in Him or not. You can be forgiven, but you have to change and see a lot more in this life besides yourself. You have to demonstrate that you care and have changed and work at it.

It is my prayer that this empowers those who need it and comforts those who feel lonely, lost and alone. May God show us all how to treat one another and spare us what we deserve through His mighty mercy’s!

God Bless,

Maggie Miller